So my first full year on this blog is about to end, time for a recap of 2017.
Yeah, just... let's start with all the nice stuff, don't we? Let's have some good vibes over here!
Weirdly, the good vibes start with a very bittersweet memory: In March 2017, the guy who abused me sexually as a child finally got convicted. Even though it is a thing I wish never happened to anyone, even though it is a thing that opened up old wounds and put me in a bad place mentally, even though I am still recovering from seeing him in court and maybe even more from how some of the newspaper reporters treated me - it is a good thing that it happened and I am very glad I got to put an end to it all. It's finally completely over. And no one can take that from me. So I'll just stick to that. I refuse to let the bad parts tied to this spoil that it is actually a great, amazing thing.
While I am leaving this behind, let's move on to the actual good things, the ones that are completely great.
In June I passed my final exams of my bookseller apprenticeship - the oral exam with 100%. Three years of hard work and learning how to study completely payed off and I am very proud of myself and this accomplishment. A bit after that, after a long and frustrating job hunt, I nailed the only job interview I had and got myself a well-paid full time job back in my hometown. Also in June, same-sex marriage finally became legalized in Germany and I will never forget the joy I felt seeing people celebrate in the streets, even though it does not necessarily concern me personally - while I am pansexual, I am in a relationship with a man who I intend to spend the rest of my life with, so for the time being, personally, I could have done just fine without the new law. However, what is me being able to do okay worth if the people around me are not equally able to do okay?
In July, I finally went back to Exeter and had a lovely week introducing my partner to my friends over there and to the city I undeniably fell in love with a year earlier. After that, I moved back to my hometown, to my grannys place first, and started at the new job and thus, a new part of my life.
The best thing in August was my partners birthday: My gran, my aunt and I took him to a boat ride on a lake as a surprise - keeping that a secret for two weeks was propably one of the hardest things I ever had to do because he is the person I want to tell all the things that excite me. It was a really successful surprise and seeing him this happy and joyful like a little boy is everything to me. It will be hard to keep up to this next year. A bit later, we signed the rental contract to our dream flat.
In October, we finally moved in said flat, and after 2,5 years I moved in with my partner. While as every move ours was exhausting as well, I had loads of fun picking out furniture, arranging it in this awesome flat of ours etc. (did I mention that I love this flat a lot?).
On November 2nd, I got engaged. More specifically, I proposed to my partner. Even more specifically, I spontaneously bought two not too cheap but also really not expensive rings, put them in front of him and never actually got the question over my lips because I am awkward like that. So, technically, it could all be a huge misunderstanding but given he has told his family and all, I guess it is not. So I will definitely marry this guy. Not too soon (dude, weddings are expensive!) but propably in 2019 or so. All of this sounds very indifferent just written down like this, mostly because putting smileys in this text would be weird, but I am really, really happy, I swear!
In December, I went to Hamburg for my pirate crews annual christmas drink and had a really good time, had a lovely christmas dinner at my best friends place, went to Freiburg for a gigantic, decadent company christmas party and had a lovely christmas eve with my mum, fiance and my sister.
Put down like that, I think overall, it was a pretty good year. For that reason, I refuse to write a synopsis about the bad things as well - let's all concentrate on the nice things more, even though or maybe especially because of all the bad things that are happening around the world lately. This may be my first new years resolution: Focusing more on the positive things in my life. Not ignoring the bad things, simply not forgetting all the things that do make me smile.
20.12.17
Yes means yes
So there's a new law being discussed in Sweden.
This new law says that not only "no" does mean "no" but that an actual "yes", actual conscious consent has to be given for sex to not be rape.
That means: Silence isn't consent, unconsciousness isn't consent, a "yes" under the influence of drugs isn't consent (and yes, that includes being drunk), a "yes" given because you were threatened if you said no is not consent and so on.
Now this law still has it's flaws: It still doesn't cover power inbalances being the reason for a spoken "yes", it is still is word against word when it comes to proving wether or not someone gave consent, but it is propably the best law victims of sexual violence can get to defend themselves and their bodily autonomy.
The reason I am writing a blog post about it is definitely not that I would have a problem with it - if anything, I am shocked again how something that should be common sense is still something Scandinavia has so much ahead of the rest of the world. Blimey, that should be the law everywhere.
No, the thing I am actually shocked of is how the press is delivering those news and how people react to them.
In German newspapers, the title often was something along the line of "in Sweden only yes means yes - ideally in a written contract". We all know that a lot of people rarely read anything more than the headline, so this is all they get from it: I now need a written contract that I may fuck this person. Thus, these news are already dangerously close to being fake news.
Now the reaction of the people doesn't exactly shock me, I have lived in this world long enough to know that people can be absolute assholes. It's just the same boring, exhausting reactions we always get as soon as we discuss sexual rights, and personally, I am really tired of discussing them over and over again with people who do not want to discuss seriously.
"Best to have a notary in the bedroom at all times"
"It takes away the spontaneity that makes sex so good"
"Sure, maybe you should ask when it's a one night stand but in a relationship or even marriage you wouldn't say no ever so why ask?"
and so on. Those are not even the most disgusting ones I read so far.
Now how am we supposed to believe that rape culture is not a thing when new consent laws like the Swedish one are treated like this? When people believe that simply asking "Are you down for sexy times?" is, well, too much to ask for? When people still think others owe them their bodies for whatever reason?
But overall, I am glad that the rape statistics in Sweden will go up. Not because there will be more rape cases, but more cases where the rapists actually will get prosecuted. Thanks, Sweden. Really hope the rest of the world will live up to you at some point.
This new law says that not only "no" does mean "no" but that an actual "yes", actual conscious consent has to be given for sex to not be rape.
That means: Silence isn't consent, unconsciousness isn't consent, a "yes" under the influence of drugs isn't consent (and yes, that includes being drunk), a "yes" given because you were threatened if you said no is not consent and so on.
Now this law still has it's flaws: It still doesn't cover power inbalances being the reason for a spoken "yes", it is still is word against word when it comes to proving wether or not someone gave consent, but it is propably the best law victims of sexual violence can get to defend themselves and their bodily autonomy.
The reason I am writing a blog post about it is definitely not that I would have a problem with it - if anything, I am shocked again how something that should be common sense is still something Scandinavia has so much ahead of the rest of the world. Blimey, that should be the law everywhere.
No, the thing I am actually shocked of is how the press is delivering those news and how people react to them.
In German newspapers, the title often was something along the line of "in Sweden only yes means yes - ideally in a written contract". We all know that a lot of people rarely read anything more than the headline, so this is all they get from it: I now need a written contract that I may fuck this person. Thus, these news are already dangerously close to being fake news.
Now the reaction of the people doesn't exactly shock me, I have lived in this world long enough to know that people can be absolute assholes. It's just the same boring, exhausting reactions we always get as soon as we discuss sexual rights, and personally, I am really tired of discussing them over and over again with people who do not want to discuss seriously.
"Best to have a notary in the bedroom at all times"
"It takes away the spontaneity that makes sex so good"
"Sure, maybe you should ask when it's a one night stand but in a relationship or even marriage you wouldn't say no ever so why ask?"
and so on. Those are not even the most disgusting ones I read so far.
Now how am we supposed to believe that rape culture is not a thing when new consent laws like the Swedish one are treated like this? When people believe that simply asking "Are you down for sexy times?" is, well, too much to ask for? When people still think others owe them their bodies for whatever reason?
But overall, I am glad that the rape statistics in Sweden will go up. Not because there will be more rape cases, but more cases where the rapists actually will get prosecuted. Thanks, Sweden. Really hope the rest of the world will live up to you at some point.
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