Take your broken heart, make it into art (Part III)

 

And gods, has it been broken

many times

so many that sometimes

I feel like all that's left is scar tissue

and wouldn’t it be lovely if that only made it 

hard to pierce again

because have you tried getting through that shit

with a blade or needle?

That shit is strong

I’m not though

I just feel sore

and I can feel it aching with every move

it is still trying to make

and by god, does that make it hard to feel.

Not because I would be incapable,

I am way too capable for all the big emotions

but they hurt so much more

especially when they are supposed to not hurt at all.

In a way,
I am glad all this

has not hardened me

bittered me

made me cold to the world

but there are times where I wish

it was rather that

than endless aching

because gods, 

thats so exhausting

for me and everyone who loves me ever.

And yet

I am stubborn

as stubborn as I’ve always used to be

and I will gnaw and gnash my way through this

and just hope that someday

this will become easier

less painful

or only easier to bear.

My endless optimism

is just my stubbornness in disguise.

I refuse to have this be my forever.

I refuse to not fight for my chance

to be happy after all.

And so, 

once more,

I take my broken heart,

make it into art, 

like mother Carrie taught me to, 

like Frida said, 

like all these glorious women before me

who refused to be beaten by a hard life,

make it into art 

to show the world,

lay my vulnerabilities wide open

and have them be my armor

as contradictory as this may sound. 

Take my broken heart,

make it into art, 

trust the process

so that what evolves

may be whole again

or maybe

even just beautiful enough

to kill the pain

for good.

Take your broken heart, make it into art (Part II)

See, you understood that saying

You understood my connection to that quote

just as you understood me to my very core.

I remember

how scared I was of you

before we first met and I remember

this feeling of trust that I had within moments

as if I had never done anything else in my life

than trust strange men my own mums age.

It never mattered if we talked for hours on end

or if we spent our time in silence

and silence never felt as easy as with you

because I knew we still somehow shared a mind

beyond ages, beyond languages, beyond anything -

you, mate, you truly got me.

It never mattered how long the silence had lasted

picking up from where we left off

was effortless

as easy as breathing

and everything feels fake

now that this most natural thing

has left my life.

„Take your broken heart, make it into art“

You never had a broken heart though

I have never met anyone as happy and content

in his own existence as you were

And yet you understood mine

How truly special can a person be?

The love I have for you might be unmatched forever

the connection we shared was special and

the shoes you leave behind for anyone to step in

are gigantic.

Good night, my soulmate

Good night, brother that I never had

You are gone,

and everything is worse now.