Take your broken heart, make it into art (Part III)

 

And gods, has it been broken

many times

so many that sometimes

I feel like all that's left is scar tissue

and wouldn’t it be lovely if that only made it 

hard to pierce again

because have you tried getting through that shit

with a blade or needle?

That shit is strong

I’m not though

I just feel sore

and I can feel it aching with every move

it is still trying to make

and by god, does that make it hard to feel.

Not because I would be incapable,

I am way too capable for all the big emotions

but they hurt so much more

especially when they are supposed to not hurt at all.

In a way,
I am glad all this

has not hardened me

bittered me

made me cold to the world

but there are times where I wish

it was rather that

than endless aching

because gods, 

thats so exhausting

for me and everyone who loves me ever.

And yet

I am stubborn

as stubborn as I’ve always used to be

and I will gnaw and gnash my way through this

and just hope that someday

this will become easier

less painful

or only easier to bear.

My endless optimism

is just my stubbornness in disguise.

I refuse to have this be my forever.

I refuse to not fight for my chance

to be happy after all.

And so, 

once more,

I take my broken heart,

make it into art, 

like mother Carrie taught me to, 

like Frida said, 

like all these glorious women before me

who refused to be beaten by a hard life,

make it into art 

to show the world,

lay my vulnerabilities wide open

and have them be my armor

as contradictory as this may sound. 

Take my broken heart,

make it into art, 

trust the process

so that what evolves

may be whole again

or maybe

even just beautiful enough

to kill the pain

for good.