Dear monogamous people - we need to talk!

As a polyamorous person, I have to say: Monogamous people frustrate the hell out of me.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely respect monogamous folks, I understand the wish to be exclusive and would never try to forcefully "convert" anyone. I understand that polyamory is not for everyone, and I understand why. You are all valid as heck.
What I don't understand is the expectations they put on me as a polyamorous person. I am not even talking about a lot of folks thinking that "for the right person" I would ditch my polyamory and become monogamous again. On that note, my loves, I just believe that there is not one person that's right for me, I believe there are many, because there are so many awesome people in this world that are each in their own way special and right and sometimes even in ways that contradict so much that there could never be a single person combining all of them in themselves. Accordingly, in general, I believe that the expectation towards oneself to be somehow perfect enough to sustain a partner's social needs all on your own is absolutely fucking toxic. Give yourself (and others) some rest.
It's also not the fact that I have been rejected for being polyamorous. As I said, it is not for everyone, and if my polyamory is a deal-breaker for you as is your monogamy for me, that is fair and valid, guess we are not meant to be. It is basically the same thing as if a man I was into told me he is gay. Sometimes, our needs and preferences just don't match. That's sad, and it doesn't mean it won't hurt, but shit happens. That's life for you.
But what completely frustrates me is the notion that our ways to have relationships differ so widely that whatever advice I share with you for whatever situation in your life just doesn't apply.
The basis for my relationship concept is the non-exclusivity, and that's already the biggest difference here. Otherwise, I could live my relationships exactly like your basic monogamous relationship, just more of them. But that's not what I do. My polycule and I live the concept of relationship anarchy.
Relationship anarchy is the idea that whatever social bonds you form are "negotiated" from scratch based on the wishes and needs of the individuals involved. That doesn't only go for romantic relationships but friendships, family, etc. as well. Throw all societal expectations overboard and discuss what we actually want of each other and try to meet on a ground where everyone involved is comfortable. Yes, that is a lot of work, but it is worth it, believe me. At this point, shout out to my wonderful partner who introduced me to this concept and thus gave me something I have basically been looking for all my life without knowing it.
The great thing is that relationship anarchy can also be applied to monogamy because it is also about boundaries. One of the needs could be the need for exclusivity, and that is also valid.
The biggest key for this to work though is absolute honesty. It is the rough emotional labour of a) reflecting on your own feelings, finding out what bothers you and why, and be honest towards yourself about how you can deal with this and b) talking about your feelings with the people involved. I get that this is scary and exhausting but I promise that it will make you happier than bottling everything up and hope that change happens magically. And truth be told, the notion that communication and honesty are key for a relationship to work out is not new to me, it is something I have been advocating for all my life, in all my monogamous relationships that I had before I started living polyamorously. The only difference now is that I have a polycule that is not letting me get away with bullshitting myself, and I am incredibly grateful for that because it also helps me to understand myself a lot better. In the past ten months, I have learned more about myself, how my mind works, why some things affect me the way they do, etc. than in the 24 years of my life before that.
However, for some reason, ever since I started living polyamorously, monogamous people seem wary about this advice: Please just fucking talk to each other. Suddenly, it seems to be an incredibly unconventional concept even though it's probably the number one advice given in every bloody "Ask [insert name here]" section in newspapers, magazines, tv shows, etc. for decades. Because it is coming from me. Somehow, people seem to feel the need to distance themselves from my way to live relationships as far as possible, and I sense that there is a certain unconscious idea of me doing something perverted here in the way I live my life that they would never, ever do and accordingly, my advice can't possibly apply to them, and even every attempt of mine to be my honest self with them is read as an attempt to somehow convince them that polyamory is the one and only true way to be. I do not mind if you are monogamous, but why do you refuse to address issues openly as a first step towards having them solved so adamantly only to then be mad at me because unlike you, I do exactly that and also be mad because I somehow can still not read anyones mind? I can only solve problems I know about, and because I am a peace-loving person I will happily do my best to do so, but first I need to know that a) there is a problem and b) what it is. But even when I ask people, I often will rather get a lie of "no, everything is fine" instead of an honest answer, and I am so, so sick of doing that emotional labour just to be abandoned in the end for not knowing what someone needs from me. And that hurts. And with that, I am not even only speaking of romantic relationships but friendships, family matters, colleagues as well.
Dear monogamous people, please try to listen to what I am actually saying instead of assuming that as soon as I talk about my polyamory or take experiences from it to apply them to my everyday life I want to force you into living this as well. It reminds me of the whole idea that LGBT+ folks want to make everyone around them gay, and honestly, that is not a good look on you.
In return, I promise, I will also listen to your advice rather than thinking you want to see me be exclusive. Because I still think we are not so different. Only different amounts.

"So, how exactly does therapy work?"

TW
mental health, self harm/suicide mention, abuse, sexual violence/child molestation

Photo by Steven Blechvogel

In the past couple of weeks, two friends who have no connection whatsoever have approached me to ask about my experience with therapy. Apparently, I am now an expert on this topic - in reality, I am just a person who is very open about having mental health issues and being in therapy. In fact, I don't even know much about those topics, I'd say my knowledge is the tip of the iceberg at best. However, I get why they're asking - the idea of therapy can be scary, admitting you are not okay mentally is scary, because we live in a society where mental health issues are often dismissed, played down and/or demonized. Because of this I figured it might help if I write about my own issues and my experience with therapy - here we go!
In 2012 I was emotionally abused by my ex boyfriend. It was a really rough break up that left a lot of damage in my brain that I still suffer from that today. Back then, I was basically broken, for the first time in my life I actively hated myself, I was suicidal, ended up self-harming after just cutting my hair had worked as a coping mechanism for years, it was... really bad. Back then, I was 18 and still going to school, which hadn't gone super well before that and now I became even worse because, as I like to put it, I was too busy just staying alive and thus had trouble doing actual school work. Of course, getting bad grades didn't exactly help against my self-hatred. Everything spiraled. That was also when I started smoking - I had a lot of panic attacks and smoking helped regulate my breathing. None of this was healthy, obviously. At some point, my amazing mum, who is a social worker and thus has an eye for people needing help, made me go see a therapist.
The therapist I saw back then was specialized on children and teenagers, so I was just young enough to go see her. I don't exactly remember why I actually saw her instead of a therapist for grown up people, but it worked pretty well.
One thing I remember specifically about the first couple of sessions was that I was asked to fill in a table about big life events, either positive or negative, for different sections of my life - and I had such trouble finding positive things. My mind was literally clouded by my negativity and my self-hatred - your girl was fucking depressed, and easily diagnosed as such, plus a nice little school phobia that I had developed. Back then, I explained it as the school being a magnet, and I had another magnet in my chest, and those were polarized the same way and thus repelled each other - it felt like I was actually physically incapable of going to school. The mechanism was clear: Couldn't make myself do homework or study, went to school, got bad grades, felt worse. If I wasn't going to school I was actively avoiding that, except it was never that easy - if I didn't go, I would obviously have a harder time learning things, and thus have an even harder time getting everything down and still get bad grades. Additionally, I would feel bad for not going, worrying about people thinking I was faking it because I was just lazy, and thus I spiraled a lot.
My first therapist was a very understanding woman - she was very warm and kind, literally handling me with kid gloves (remember: specialized for children and teens). It was what I needed back then because I was very fragile and stuck in blaming myself for everything bad that ever happened to me and thinking I deserved it. I needed her to realize in the first place that my ex had abused me and he had no right to treat me the way he did treat me. I needed her to realize that I didn't have to take the repsonsibility for having been sexually abused as a 7-years-old. I needed her to realize that I deserved none of this and other things I had suffered through, and instead deserved that people took care of me while I processed those things instead of me taking care of everyone else who had to process the second hand experience.
She also taught me how to break out of the spirals in regard to school, how to calm myself down when I had a panic attack, and how to defeat the magnet in my chest. Sadly, too much damage was done for my education and I ended up dropping out and starting an apprenticeship as a bookseller instead in 2014. However, that apprenticeship was cathartic for me in a way: I ended up learning how I personally study best and thus had an overall good and successfull experience learning a thing which finally got me out of my anxiety about education.
Then 2017 came and with it two very big life events that tipped over the mental stability I had going on for me in the past three years.
In April 2016, after 14 years, my case regarding the sexual abuse I had gone through as a child got picked up again, I went back to the police to be questioned once more (as if I was more likely to remember any specifics 14 years later), half a year later they found the guy and in March 2017, eventually, his trial took place and I was invited to testify against him in court.
Before all of that, I was lucky enough to cope pretty well with what had happened to me as a child, it didn't effect me too much, I was able to lead a normal life. The trial retraumatized me, seeing that person, having my memory refreshed by the judge reading my testimony I had given as a child where my brain had done such amazing work repressing the memories and additionally, the terrible way I was treated by the present reporters and the thoughtless way I was treated by the judges. I did feel very unsafe for a while after that, started crying randomly and had panic attacks again. I aslo started getting actually triggered by things for the first time in my life. Instead of the closure I had hoped for, I got new issues to deal with. That was my first reason to seek out therapy again.
Sadly enough, actually finding a therapist with free capacities, is the hardest thing in the world. Originally, I wanted to go back to work with my first therapist since she already knew all the important background info, but since I was definitely not a child anymore she couldn't help me. I was facing endless waiting lists and at some point stopped looking and did what I did most of my life: Dealt with it myself. It got better eventually.
The other big life event was more positive at first: In June 2017 I finished my apprenticeship on an absolute high, and after a long and frustrating jobhunt I found my first fully paid job and moved back to my home town. Unfortunately, the job turned out to be not right for me. It was technically a good job, well-paid, flexible hours, nice colleagues, own office. It was just not what I was trained for, I missed actual bookselling a lot, and it started to weigh on me really badly to the point where I had trouble sleeping and got horrible stomach and back aches as soon as I entered the office. So I started looking around and had to finally face the reality - there are just not enough jobs in bookselling, especially not if you have to make an actual living from it. Again, it was my mum who kicked my ass to actually look for a therapist.
The next nine month were hard. Nine month on the waiting list, calling in every month to tell them I was still interested. The hardest part about this for me was that probably, I would've had a better chance getting a slot if I would've been honest with myself about how bad off I actually was, on the other hand I was not suicidal, not selfharming and functioning pretty well in my day to day life, so I tricked myself into thinking it wasn't really that bad and thus feeling like a fraud for actually asking for therapy.
My coping mechanism, as usual, was joking about it a lot. Gallows humor is my best friend in situations like that, and thus the first thing I said on the phone was "Hello, this is my monthly call to tell you I am still nuts!" and I ended it with "Alright, speak to you next month!".
At my ninth call, I had the bad luck to talk to a person who was very insistent on keeping things seriously and thus robbing me of my coping mechanism. A few days later, I got a call from my therapist - a slot had opened up for me.
That was in the end of 2018. I have been in therapy again for 5 months now, and we have just finished the preparatory sessions by now. Those actually take up ages and are a bit frustrating because as the name indicates it is only preparation - telling your life story, talking about your current life, finding out what is going on and, if you're lucky, why it's going on. No solutions yet.
I am a very impatient person and that is probably the first thing my therapist found out about me - I stumbled in and basically diagnosed myself (was actually off to a good start but not in-depth enough) and demanded solutions straightaway. "Okay, sure, now I know the problem but what do I have to do to fix it?" Sadly, it's not that easy.
My new therapist is a lot more hand-on, a very direct, kicking your ass type of person - no kids gloves here. This man takes no bullshit. And that is probably exactly what I need because by now; I have become very good at bullshitting myself.
Instead of diagnoses, my current therapist likes to talk about what he calls "problem pots". I have three of those: Self-worth issues, a low tolerance for frustration, and the mentioned trauma. Unlike diagnoses, those problem pots help us to talk about the direct issues that are making my life more complicated - the self-worth issues make me set incredibly high standards for myself that I can't possibly fullfill and lead to very heavy reactions to minor difficulties, as does the low tolerance for frustration which also leads to me being likely to avoid things that frustrate me. Those are the two things we are tackling primarily right now.
Even though I don't know yet how we will actually work on those problems, I already learned a lot about myself during those preparatory sessions - not only about my problems but also about my way to live my life on a daily basis. That is very down to my therapist forcing me to question everything. Twice. Lately, we have been focussing on my time and energy levels. First, I was asked to list the things that I was doing in my week: Work, my hobbies, social interactions like seeing my family or friends, my relationship, taking care of my dog etc. Then we assumed I had 100 hours in a week to do those things (sleep and hygiene not taken into account) - how much time was I spending on those things, how much time was I willing to spend on those things, did I have enough time for the things I was doing? I was also asked to estimate how much energy those things were requiring. Needless to say that I definitely was spending more time/energy than I actually had. Then we had a closer look: A thing that was pleasant should take less energy from me than time, a thing that wasn't necessarily pleasant but okay could take as much time as energy (for example, I spent around 50 hours for work including breaks and commute, so it was allowed to take up to 50% of my energy), a thing that took way more energy than time would be a thing that should be questioned mercilessly and probably ditched from my schedule. That also meant seriously questioning why I felt like I should be doing those things, what the consequences were to not doing them anymore, and if I would rather face the consequences and thus not do the things anymore or keep doing them so I didn't have to deal with the consequences. That goes as deeply as "I technically don't have to work but that would mean I don't make any money and would be living off welfare and have less money and social repercussions." It also brought me more in touch with my own aspirations and thus with what I feel are the framework for my own happiness - and with the price those come with.
Based on that, I was asked to imagine my life in 45 years: Where do I want to be, what do I want to do, how did my life have to be in 45 years for me to be happy? How much time and energy was I willing to invest in those things in 45 years? Based on that, I had to lay out the way to that goal - what would I have to be doing in 30 years, 5 years, one year, now to achieve those dreams? And again, we were questioning all of it: Did I actually want that, was I willing to pay the price, how realistic was all of that? We quickly found out that I had completely bailed on stuff like cleaning my flat in my plans. "You don't want to clean your flat at all?" "I mean... technically I don't want to but I guess I have to if I want a clean flat, huh?"
Even though it gets frustrating at times, I like my therapists approach of, I don't even know how to phrase this... let me do all the work. I have to work hard in this therapy. He isn't giving me answers. He is guiding me through the process of finding answers myself. He doesn't give me answers but he asks the right questions.
So when my friends ask me how therapy works I can only say: That highly depends. On your problem, on your therapist, and on you as a person. Even two therapies for the same person can be extremely different. But one thing that I can promise is that it's always worth trying it, and it's always good to reach out for help!

Let's talk about sex - The body part paradox

I realized something, and I wanted to share some thoughts about it.
In the past, I was often criticized by people I had sex with that apparently, I didn't do enough with my hands/arms. To this day, this is mainly down to the awkwardness of not knowing what to do with them.

Bear in mind that so far, my sexual history is exclusively people with a penis. I do know what do to with my hands when I have access to a dick but when I don't (e.g. during penetration), my arms become just two very useless limbs, at best holding my partner, at worst lying next to me. Caressing my partner during sex is a thing I have to focus on, and we all know how hard that can be when you are having good sex. But after receiving that criticism several times, I started thinking: Why don't I know what to do with my hands? Why is that so hard?

I have a theory.
Let's have a good hard look at how we view different bodies in sexual contexts in the media. Bodies that are read as female, according to the portrayal, have a lot of parts to offer that are very sexy - boobs, a nice ass, legs, all of those are viewed as hot and portrayed as hot. The actual genitals are usually less talked about - at most, we see a vulva in media when it is currently penetrated. The visibility of vulvas is a very new concept, and people still have to discuss a lot as soon as they include vulvas in art. Now shift that look towards people read as male. The focus for body parts that are supposed to arouse us is usually on the penis. Then maybe occasionally, you get an ass or some abs.

And here is where the problem starts - the male read bodies that are portrayed as sexy in media are usually very well-trained, there are butts made of steel, overly defined eight packs etc. I don't want to tell anyone they can't be attracted to that, you are all valid, but lets be real: Those bodies are hard to find in real life because they are hard to get, hard to maintain and if you also want to click with someone on a personal basis as well, that reduces the pool of people even more. Thus, when we are sleeping with bodies read as male when they don't have the unlikely set of muscles, we might not really know where to put our hands.

Another thing where this is very visible is the topic of nudes by the way - when a female-presenting person wants to take nudes or have them taken, the focus is mostly on the chest (especially when you are actually modeling for nude art), having photos of a vulva is rare and also viewed as the lewdest option - its more likely that your crotch is hidden in pictures. For male-presenting people who are not as jacked as the image media provides, there are hardly any ways to have photos without a penis considered to be nude art.

Its the complete opposite of how different bodies are viewed in non-sexual contexts by the way, because when it comes to fashion, for example, you can't seem to do it right as a female-presenting person, and it seems to be easier for male presenting folks to find something nice that actually fits their body shape no matter what it is.

So what do we take from this? Glorify other body parts than genitals for male-presenting people. Gush the shit out of them. Gush the shit out of bodies that are not super-muscular, not super slim, that in any way don't fit into the very narrow image of an ideal male-presenting body. Especially for your partners - make the beauty you see in them and the things you think are very sexy about them visible (with their consent only, obviously). Do the same for all the unusual/underrepresented body parts of your female-presenting partners, crushes, friends. We can only win here.

Going Polyam

 I have known for years that I am polyamorous.
Means, I have known for years that I can love several people simultaneously, and I while I have struggled with that for a while (because we always get taught that love has to be exclusive), it has also been years that I was very interested in actually living polyamorously as well - meaning, I liked the idea to have more than one relationship at the same time, my partners having more than one relationship as well and so on.

I can hereby happily inform you that I am now living polyamorously.
Some of you may remember me blogging about my engagement, my upcoming wedding, my fiance and how we started out our relationship - as an agreement for me to try being in a monogamous relationship with him because he was worth it to me. An experiment.
I think it is natural when planning a wedding to have some doubts and starting to question everything. After all, it is a promise to spend the rest of your lives together, even with the possibility to not do that and have a divorce if it doesn't work out, that still means you are at the very least in for the stress that comes with that. Either way, it is a huge commitment, and it should better be with the right person.

I think I started having doubts way earlier than I would want to admit to myself, and being me, I dealt with that by overcompensating. After all, I know myself well enough to know that I am very likely to sabotage pretty much everything I have going well for me. So my initial thought was clear: "This will blow over, you are just nervous". So instead of thinking about my feelings and talking to my partner about them (you know, the thing I keep telling others to do), I started working extra hard on preparing the wedding.

Fast forward to my birthday in November. I spent my birthday weekend in London meeting my discord family in real life for the first time and I had an amazing time. And then, when Sunday came and I was on my way back to Germany, I did not only realize that I did not want to leave (which, to be fair, is pretty normal for me), I noticed myself daydreaming about a life in the UK - and those daydreams did not involve my fiance.

I spent the next days having a particularly hard look at my relationship and on myself. Long story short - I was not happy anymore. And it was worse than expected: I wasn't only happy anymore because of the monogamous nature of our relationship - I just was not happy anymore in general, and I did not want to continue this relationship, even if my fiance had magically agreed to open our relationship up (which was definitely not happening).

Breaking up engagement is a lot harder than breaking up a normal relationship. Not only because you are living together and one of you has to move out, not only because you have to cancel so many things and it will potentially cost you a lot of money, but because the questions are breaking you.
I still think I have made the right decision. I am about to move out, I will start a new job in March to actually be able to survive on my own financially, and it feels like breaking free. My fiance is an amazing person who handled this break up with such strength for the both of us, so much fairness and peace and understanding, and I am very sure he will be the best person for someone else - he just isn't for me. At least not as a fiance, and eventually husband. I think we will do way better as friends (and co-owners of our beautiful dog).

At some point along that way, I fell in love with Nat. Nat is also a member of my discord family, and I knew they existed but then there was the London weekend and I got to fully know them. Technically, it hit me like a brick, and I had a massive crush on them. We started to talk a lot more regularly, got to know each other very well pretty quickly, got super close. And then there was Jay. Jay is also a member of the discord, and we have been friends for quite a while. They developed a crush on them as well and they and their partner opened their relationship. So Jay and I are both Nat's partners. I don't really know how exactly that happened but I am so so glad it did because now I get to experience polyamory, a thing I wanted to try for ages.

Obviously, being polyam is not necessarily easier than monogamous relationships. It is just difficult in a different way. A big part of what we have to figure out is how to communicate what we need with each other, what we are able and willing to give, what we are comfortable with, how we work as people and thus how to read each other - just like in every monogamous relationship. The big difference is that this time, it includes and effects more than two people, which makes it harder. On the other hand we have to unlearn a lot of what we like to call toxic monogamy - the idea that there is any kind of hierarchy between multiple partners or even other relationships like friendships or family, that there is any sort of priority and if there isn't, there's a problem, the idea that you are entitled to have your partners full attention at all times, the idea that there is any competition going on. To be honest, when I started this, I was very scared that I would turn out to be a massive fraud and would be very jealous as soon as my partner sleeping with other people would become an actual reality. I can gladly confirm: Nope, I really do not mind, as long as they are comfortable with me doing the same. I have a way bigger problem personally to unlearn monogamy, all the points mentioned above are a bit hard on me. Another thing that doesn't exactly make it easier is that every pairing in our polycule is a long distance relationship, so most of our communication works via texts and phone calls, which makes it harder to build intimacy. And yet, both Nat and Jay are doing such a great job catching me when I feel insecure or left out or anxious about anything, it's amazing! This might be the hardest relationship I have ever had, its so much effort and it is hard to be honest with myself and them about my feelings but it is so worth it because both of them are putting in just as much work and we are all willing to do the work this takes to make everyone as comfortable as possible.

A big part of why this makes me so happy is also that I feel like I am finally living my best queer life. I have identified as queer for the past 6 years, and yet so far, I have exclusively dated cis men. Now I am the only cis person in my polycule (everyone else is non-binary) and it's such a new experience. This plus the fact that we are polyamorous takes a lot of pressure off me, I feel like for the first time I don't have to walk on eggshells so much being worried to either emasculate my partner or them becoming jealous as soon as I am close with or attracted to anyone, and that is a great feeling. I feel very free.

I also feel very cared about - I have the incredible luck to have a partner and a friend who are both very sensitive for my bullshit and I they manage to reassure me, tell me they love me, appreciate me exactly when I need it, may it be when I have a thing going on in my own life or have an issue that we as a polycule have to discuss. They both manage to make me feel very good about myself, which is hard with all my self worth issues.
What can I say? I am very optimistic about this going well. I think I have found a way to do relationships that works really well for me. And I love my polycule and especially my partner very very much.

Love Letter to the Discord Family or Why everyone should have a solid support group

On March 6th 2018 I joined the Discord server "ThistleFly" and I think this day may have changed my life a bit.
This server is Liam Dryden's server, the internet dad whose content I have enjoyed for ages. You might think, ok, that is a fan group, and in a sense, I guess that's true. But mostly, it is just an amazing community with a lot of very wholesome people taking care of each other.

When I joined this server I was in a not so good place mentally: I had only two weeks left in a job that I had quit because even though it paid me well and apparently I was good at it, it did not make me happy, and despite my efforts I hadn't found a new job yet that would at the same time secure me a living and make me be happier. And I use the word "happier" on purpose because "actually happy" was off the table, given that happiness for me still is to be found in a field where propper jobs are very rare. So I felt a bit shitty about myself and everything.

Now there were all these new people and I didn't really know anyone yet, which usually is a situation I don't do too well in, especially when I am having a rough time. Gladly, I didn't need to - because all of them were incredibly welcoming to begin with, as if we'd known each other for years.
Off to a great start, I quickly became comfortable enough to share my worries, and without second question, people would catch me. I can't really put it much differently, because this is exactly how I felt: Caught when falling. By people who didn't even know me. I felt secure with those people ever since.

Of course a big part of this is down to Liam: The rules he set up are all designed to have a respectful, friendly basis with each other, and the people he made mods are incredibly good at enforcing those rules. However, it is very rarely that they even have to bring the rules up or even kick someone - those people are just respectful and friendly to begin with.

Now I have this great bunch who have my back, who I can talk to about everything, may it be negging about stuff I am angry or sad about, may it be my period, literally everything. I can post my art there or my blogposts or selfies and there's always someone to tell me I am good and encourage me to continue what I do. There's people reminding me to hydrate, telling me that I should be asleep right now, telling me my feelings are valid and that it's ok to feel like I feel even if how I feel may not be good or happy at that point. They are taking care of me. And I am taking care of them. We keep holding each other up and I think this is beautiful.

Honestly, I have never felt so loved and seen ever in my life before. Of course, I have friends and my family and my fiance and I would not want to weigh them up against the people in the Discord. But the big difference is that due to timezones, there's always someone up, and due to the sheer number of people there's always someone who is up for the task in that moment. And that is something I truly wouldn't want to do without again ever.
Dear Discord Family, I love you so so much. Thank you for being there.

Where am I?

This blogpost was originally published in German as part of the Retales series on countessleto.wordpress.de. 

"Where am I?"
This seems to be a question that customers just love to ask themselves but only after entering a shop and asking the assistants one or two questions. Or not at all. You usually get whether or not they did based on what they ask you.

During my bookseller apprenticeship, there were two types of people. Type 1 was all the people (and yes, they were quite a lot) entering and saying something like: "Hello, I'd like a book please." Internally, I'd roll my eyes at them and make a huge gesture around the room, as if to say: "IF ONLY WE HAD BOOKS!?" Of course you can't really do that. Instead, I'd ask a simple counter-question: "Would you like to specify that question a bit?" Usually, that'd do the deal.

Not with type 2 though - type 2 enters and asks for everything except for books. Sure, we can help out with some of those things, like calendars, planners, notebooks and so on. But then... all the times people asked me for stamps. Kind of related, sure, but no, you get stamps at the post office just down the road. Usually, they said that's too far away. But people also requested completely unrelated things like CD-players. And the best thing about that is: When you start explaining that you don't have what the customer was asking for - they start discussions. "That's incredibly bad service!" I mean, sure, but that doesn't make the thing appear magically out of thin air. I'll order any available book for you overnight, it would be my pleasure, really, but I can't get my hands on a CD-player just like that. That's not my job either. I'm a bookseller after all.

Now, about a year after I finished my apprenticeship, I work at a crafts shop because the job market for booksellers is shit. Maybe that would be different if people would ask us for books for once instead of CD-players. But oh well... crafts shop it is. Don't you think that kind of conversation was done now, oh no, it just changed.

"Hello, I'd like to present my gift of money in a lovely way, do you happen to have a good idea for that?" (By the way, I love it when the word 'idea', which is the name of the shop as well, gets emphasized like that and then the customer thinks they made the greatest pun ever. Didn't hear that one before. Yes, you came up with that as the first person ever. So funny.) Yes, I have one or two ideas. Look, here, frame with cords, you can hang your money on there and put some stuff around that matches the occasion or the presentees interests. "Oh, that's too elaborate for me, that would require crafting." Thanks to some colleagues I know it's perfectly fine here to answer: "Well, you are in a crafts shop here..." Doesn't help though. Crafting ideas in a crafts shop, who would come up with that crazy kind of ideas? Then the customer lays an eye on the models in the shelf for inspiration and asks if they could buy that one instead. In some cases, they can, for example, the Schultüten (school cones, google it, that's pretty specific for Germany). When you tell them the price though, they usually lose it within seconds. They absolutely love to make a counteroffer that doesn't only disrespect the hours of work one of my colleagues put into it but also is way below the mere cost of the used materials. But buying ready for use packaging for gifts of money somewhere else is bad because you want something individual and not staple goods.

And here, as well, there are customers that go completely wild and yell and curse when you don't have what they are looking for. My favourite so far was an elderly man, I still don't know what he was actually looking for because his explanation was really inadequate before he started yelling at me, cursing on about todays youth and, anyway, no surprise retail is dying when we don't have what he wants. I could only smile about that. Because at some point you learn that those kind of moments are actually reeeeally funny when you yourself actually have nothing to do with them at all.

Excursion To Poetry #4 - Aug. 2018

Dear sir,

allow me to stick to my principles,
the most important one being that
I treat everyone
with basic human decency,
and thus I will not insult you
or belittle you,
even though I couldn't loathe you more.
Ironically,
this is a thing you helped me learn,
even while you had so much trouble doing so youself.

You met me as a teenager, and as a teacher,
it was your job to teach me,
not only for your class and exams but for life,
and so you did.
Just very differently than you thought you would,
I guess.

You were one of the so thinly spread male teachers I ever had, and yet,
you tought me to be a feminist.
Not because you were one yourself,
but because you were not,
and you showed me problems in our society from your perspective 
I just approach them a way
you propably never intended me to.

You taught me linguistics
that language is in constant change
that the limits of my language mean the limits of my world
and I took from it that
as long as the generic masculine
is the norm in my mother tongue
this world will be a mans world indeed.
Pardon me for writing this letter in English:
it is easier to use a language that doesn't deny my existence.

You taught me
that people become aggressive
and violent when they're about to lose something
or someone they value.
I have to thank you for that
because it prepared me for everything to come
every moment when someone really valued me.

And in the same lection
you taught me that
the best way to show
an enemy your teeth
is a smile.
So I will smile at you.
I will give you the warmest
most genuine smile
if we ever meet again.

Dear sir,
it is a shame we loathe each other so much.
The things that we could learn
together
if just we could have
a no-nonsense talk,
just once.

Making a wedding: A good location is a good location is a good location

Our final location, the Parkgaststätte in Leipzig. Photo by Mario Reizig

When I first read up on how to plan a wedding, step one was always: One year before the wedding, you should find a venue.
Now I am lucky enough to live in a city with dozens of suitable venues and something for every taste. So far, so good. Planning with 70 people (including me and my future husband plus people like the photographer and the DJ) didn't sound too unreasonable too. So I started extra early and googled for locations and started sending out inquiries about the conditions. My checklist for a good venue included that it had to be within a good range of public transport (because most of my guests don't have a car), ideally also within range of hotels (because most guests will be from out of town), big enough to seat 70 people and still have a dance floor, of course somewhat pretty (but I was open about what kind of pretty) and I wanted it to be possible to have my mum do a cocktail bar. As a little background info: My mum is not a huge fan of weddings and is happy when she has something to do and isn't forced to do small talk with anyone. Also she makes awesome cocktails, so it's really a win-win situation.

I had one location specifically in mind that, from photos, I liked a lot. But when they answered, I think my jaw dropped a bit: While the cocktail bar thing was not possible (so they couldn't meet our wants), they would have cost 9000 Euros. That is almost our entire budget. And I did have that problem with more than one location. So alternatives had to be found.
It was also my mum who suggested a venue in her area that seemed to be perfect: Pretty, close to public transport and a few hotels, the cocktail bar was no problem and it was well within our budget - actually, it was way below out budget, so thats a good thing.

Or would be, if it wasn't so complicated to get an appointment for visiting it first. I inquired first in late April. They said visits were possible from Monday to Friday from 10am to 2pm. If I was to plan a birthday party for myself or something like that, I could have made those hours either on one of my days I have off during the week in excharge of working Saturdays or during a day where I have a late shift, but since this is our wedding, it is important to me that my fiance and I get to do this together, make a decision together etc., especially because he will pay the lions share of this wedding and even if he wasn't, he is very good at keeping my enthusiam and impulsiveness contained. After all, he is the Ben Wyatt to my Leslie Knope (insert "Awwwww!"). The thing is, my fiance works in that time span and the next time he would have had some days off were in June. I explained that to the guy on the phone and he said he could give me an appointment for a later hour in late May.

May comes, the day comes, and a few hours before the appointment, he calls and cancels - because the room is booked in that time. Who could have known earlier? I am not exactly thrilled about this, but we move the appointment to two weeks later. Two weeks later comes, this time, he at least calls me a few days before the appointment - and cancels again because he and his boss have to go get a donations check for their organisation. This time, I am angry. Its not that the appointment has to be cancelled, it is that it has to be cancelled because of absolutely preventable things and bad planning. If they cancelled because someone got sick or something like that, that would have been perfectly fine. So I tell him that yes, we can move the appointment one more time, but if that third appointment gets cancelled again, we're out. While I mean it as just telling things the way they are, he understands it as a threat and tells me that someone else is interested in renting the room for that date as well (which I already know) and brings up the lamest argument ever that he had brought up several times before already: "I told you you could come Monday to Friday from 10 to 2, I mean, how do you handle dentists appointments with that attitude?" And then I basically held a speech on the phone to him: I am a grown up woman and can handle dentists appointments very well without my fiance, thus, all I need to line up is my calender and the dentists calender. For this, I need three schedules to work together. If I was doing this on my own, I could do 10 to 2, but I am not marrying myself - I am marrying a guy who propably would like to have this wedding to his liking as well. And the reason we can't do Monday to Friday 10 to 2 is that we are working during that time which is necessary to earn the money that is necessary to pay for renting a room, and for the first appointment I already took a day off so I could make the appointment which then was cancelled, so maybe you can understand that by now, we are pretty worn down and if the third appointment doesn't happen again, we will have had enough of waiting. So this will be next week, 5pm?

After I hung up I was shaking a lot because I really held myself back from saying a lot of things that would have blown every chance of us ever renting that room. Also, I felt like a suburban soccer mum and I hated it. But the other option would have been to be a pushover and not say anything about this, right? So I had a cigarette, and then I searched for alternatives because I wasn't too sure about that room anymore. If I even still wanted to have our party there after all this. I inquired for a few other locations and made an appointment to visit another one the day before the final appointment for the first room. Everything was so smooth with the new alternative: A 5pm appointment was no problem, no one cancelled, we got there, they guy who showed us around got there, the quote he offered us wasn't too much higher than the other one, the only downsides were that the location was a bit further away from public transport and in another style than I originally wanted, but I could work with this. The next day, we actually got to see the room. It was less pretty than I thought it would be from the photos, it would have been a problem to fit all our guests in there, we would have to put a lot of extra work and organisation into making it fit our wishes... so we chose the alternative. So after all, the guy from the first location just postponed us opting out of renting that room by 1,5 months. He could have gotten that earlier.

After all this fuss with the first location, I am actually positively surprised how well everything went with the second one. Sure, we did have some waiting for replies because they were busy with graduation parties at the time, but apart from that the communication was perfect. So this is step 1 set for planning our big day - if everything else goes a bit more smoothly, things are going to be just fine!

Making a wedding: I'm a strong independent woman who... can't ask

So, as I mentioned since November - I am engaged.
No worries, this is not going to become a wedding blog or something, but I figured I'd really like to share my experiences along the way of planning a wedding, especially as someone who a) is a feminist and b) is a big fan of doing things differently and (hopefully) less expensive.
First of all, let me tell you: When I was a child, I was not a big fan of weddings and marriage in general. I had grown up in a family where a lot of people were divorced or didn't get married in the first place mostly because of that history of divorce. My family is pretty matriarchal due to that as well, because its the mothers (grandmothers, aunts, you name it) who usually stayed part of the family. My mum never married and always told me that she thinks that love doesn't need a wedding. And you know what? I still think she is right.

However, the older I got, the more I started dreaming of having this huge party. I like to celebrate love, and I like to break standards. So why not throw this huge party with someone you love? Sure, you could do it without the ceremony and all that fuss and without the comitment that comes with marriage. But that'd be only half the deal, right?

So generally, I'd like to get married for the experience which might be a pretty millenial approach, but here we go. The biggest problem about this is - I am also not big at long-term relationships. The half-life for my relationships is usually around 4 months. Not exactly a great basis for getting married.
Then I met my fiance. To be honest, this relationship started out like an experiment, I was by then pretty sure that I was more of a polyamorous person, he knew that he wanted monogamy - so basically the deal was "We try the monogamy thing, and see if it works for me and if not, we have a calm, mature talk about it and see what we can do about it or if we break up because it doesn't fit (which would be perfectly fine too)". So basically we did what should be the standard: Commiting to communicate. What can I say - so far, we didn't have any talk like this yet, mostly because this guy trusts me a lot and there is zero jealousy because of that. He trusts me that if I have urges I want to follow I will be honest with him, and he believes that if that happens, it just doesn't work and that would be ok too. So basically we are both very calm, not stressing out about the future too much and enjoying our time together. We are not the type for "forever" but more for "for now as long as it makes us happy" and thats great. And "for now" has lasted for 3 years already.
We had talked about our mutual wish to get married for pretty long already before there was an actual proposal, so we both knew that as long as we stayed together we'd both be in - not necessarily at any given time, but just in general.

After two and a half years, in October 2017, we moved in together for the first time and to me, it really felt like this was a huge milestone and at the same time a test to our relationship. Living with someone else is something I am not very good at either - I get easily annoyed by people when I need time on my own and past shared living situations showed that my idea of tidiness and others ideas of tidiness usually differ a lot. However, after a month, we still were absolutely chill with each other and when there were problems we managed to (boom, here it goes again) talk them out peacefully.
Now at the end of the month, something happened that made me really angry of my fiance (for the sake of the privacy of everyone involved we agreed not to disclose that any further on here - don't worry, while it was a pretty big deal to me, it wasn't something inherently toxic or even dangerous). Of course he apologized, but I still had a hard time swallowing what happened that evening.
The next day, I was in town for an appointment, and after that was done, I started to wander around a bit. I really like to do that from time to time, just walking through different shops not really buying anything, no music on my ears, just walking and thinking. And I thought about the last evening and how angry I had been... and somehow I started to randomly look at rings. Not expensive ones, actually really cheap rings. The idea to propose formed and finally I bought a set of rings for 24€ combined, asked the shop assistants for a box to put them into and to wish me luck. Because if after being so angry at him I still didn't spare even a thought to maybe ending the relationship, this was something.

So I had two rings in a box and went home, my heart beating very fast. At home, I didn't really manage to do the thing at first, but at some point, I sat on the couch and he somehow sat on a stool right in front of me which was pretty ideal, so I put the box in front of him and told him I brought something. He opened it, got all teary-eyed and started to grin like an idiot and kissed me and finally I asked "So, what do you say?" and he replied "Well, you haven't asked anything yet." It dawned on me that he was right, I hadn't. I propably blushed and went "I... I can't say it!" because it felt so weird to even think about saying those words out loud: Do you want to marry me?
So even while it was pretty awkward he did say yes, and I still like to end this story with the notion that it could all be a huge misunderstanding - because no one ever actually asked the question.
(By the way, he planned on proposing as well, wanted to do it on my birthday two weeks later.)

Why I won't delete my Facebook

The last few days have been rough. Really rough. I had a lot of discussions with alt-righters and alt-right apologists, about if the left are just as bad and dangerous as the alt right and so on. The last few days have been frustrating and demanding and have cost me an awful lot of enegery. My blood pressure is propably way beyond a healthy level right now and there have been moments where I really wanted to break down in tears due to all the frustration. All of those discussions were held on Facebook, in various comment sections. There was the one in the comment section of a statement a local goth club made after being called out for firing DJs and bar staff for being openly antifascist (as in, against nazis, not more not less), quote: "We're against all kinds of extremism." as if being against literal nazis is that much of a radical idea. There was the one in the comment section of a newspaper article about the commemoration of the bombing of Dresden in World War II which the alt right used to talk about everything but the bombing of Dresden in World War II (namely, they talked about refugees and Angela Merkel, both have nothing to do with World War II), got blocked with a sit-in by the left counter demonstrators who they then beat up also using pepper spray while the police turned a blind eye and even encouraged their violence. And there are all the different smaller discussions I keep having. Throughout the past days, my fiance suggested that I should consider deleting my Facebook because clearly, it is something that hurts, exhausts and stresses me. He does have a point there, if I deleted my Facebook (or at least stopped going to those comment sections or even just stopped participating in them), I would be way less stressed and not constantly angry, upset, in a horrible mood. Here is why I will stay on Facebook, keep going to those comment sections and keep discussing:

1. Discussing with the alt-right shows them that not everyone is on their side.

Sometimes it is as simple as that: Those comment sections basically belong to the alt right and their supporters nowadays. I know what to expect when I go there and that I will be disgusted by their ignorance, inhumanity and hate. They feel like when there's no one interfering with their comments, they're right, especially since they are so many that the opposite happens, they keep agreeing each other. Discussing with them shows them that not everyone is agreeing.

2. Discussing with the alt-right shows minorities that someone is on their side.

No, I don't think all the energy I put in discussions like that make a change in alt-right peoples minds. It's very unlikely I can make them question their own stances. However, people who are targeted by the alt-right might feel better if racist/homophobic/transphobic/sexist/etc. comments are interfered with. People who are targeted by them and people who think alike will not feel alone not thinking like the alt-right. Which leads us right to the next point.

3. Discussing with the alt-right might influence the opinions of people who have not "chosen a side" yet.

Especially young people may not have an opinion on many political topics yet and they may learn stuff and get to know different viewpoints from reading discussions like this. If they only get to see the racist rethoric, they might just take it as a given, no one is disagreeing so it must be right. By having discussions on social media, we help undecided peope get more than one viewpoint and different approaches to toppics to build their own opinions from.

4. Discussing with the alt-right... simply because someone has to. 

Someone has to fight, for all the reasons above and more. Now you might wonder why I specifically have to, since it obviously hurts me. The answer to that is as sad as it is simple: Who if not me? In both discussions I wrote about in the beginning of this post, I was the only one discussing against the alt-right. Sure, people liked my comments which signals approval, and that does help me a bit to not feel alone and unheard, but it would have helped a lot more to know that if I lost all energy to discuss, someone else would take over. Or someone giving arguments I don't think of in the moment or can't give because I don't know things they know. Or simply someone supporting me in this fight. This is supposed to be a team effort, and I felt very alone in the past few days discussing with several people simultaneously all on my own.Which is innitially a reason why I feel like I have to keep going.

So I won't delete my Facebook, I will keep going to comment sections and interfere with their filterbubble. I really hope that this post might motivate some of you reading this to actively participate in discussions more. When we give up because of demotivation, exhaustion or whatever, they have won. If we are many, we can take turns so others can take breaks. Stay active, peeps.

I quit my job

So I told you about my new job last year, and I also told you about how much I missed working in an actual bookshop. Then I wnt pretty quiet for a bit, then I told you about how I wanted to concentrate more on the good things in my life and then I qnet even more quiet. All while I passive-agressively vague tweeted about how I did, in fact, not like my job. But let's start from the beginning.
I already applied elsewhere in autumn, because I already knew that this job definitely wasn't for forever. Then December came, and with it my companys christmas party - we went there on a nine hour bus trip and it was a huge, gigantic party that I couldn't help but compare to the party in the Capitol in Hunger Games. Everything was decadent, a little too much, everyone was oh so important in their suits and coctail dresses, and I was in there and thought: Yes. This is the epitome of capitalism. All of this must have cost a fortune, just so all of us could tell ourself how very important we were, in a business that does not contribute to the everyday life of normal people but to other companies only.
It was a bit of a shock for me. But I guess this is business. And definitely a business that is not for me. I mean, objectively it is a good job, I get paid more than usual for my profession, I have flexible working hours, I do like my colleagues, and the work I do is not too demanding. And yet, I didn't feel good about it. I wasn't happy doing it. So I applied even more, actively looked for jobs that would suit me better, aware that I had until the end of January to quit on short notice before my probation ended and I had to give 3 months notice before leaving.
And then my mental health dropped it like it's hot. My mood went straight downhill, and with it, I got chronic stomach cramps. The day before my probation ended, I started crying the second I got home and pretty much didn't stop for hours. I had trouble falling asleep that night. My partner, who before advised to not quit until I got a new job, told me to do it anyway. I did not have a new job.
The next morning, I wrote a termination letter, printed it and took it with me to work, just in case. Then I had a long talk about it with a colleague/friend. And then, in a meeting, one of my superiors said something like "The company lives because of its passionate employees" and that settled it. I was not a passionate employee. So I went to speak to my manager about it.
It was rough. It was really rough. Quitting is hard. But I am very lucky because my manager was really understanding about it. He did offer me to try to change aspects that made me unhappy, but since we noticed quickly that the most important ones could not be changed, he said that he thinks it's great how I reflected what happened in those 6 months working here and took my conclusions from it. And that it was great how I listened to my guts. All in all, he respected my decision and made sure that we would make it work best for all, both the company and me. We expanded the notice to 8 weeks. This way, I have more time to find a new job and they have time to find a new employee to work my current job when I am gone. It's a great solution.
Now for the stomach aches, they are gone. After I quit, they slowly disappeared and have not resurfaced yet. Overall, I feel at peace, even though there is a bit of stress due to having to find a new job, but I guess that's normal.
There's a lot of people who think it's stupid what I have done. That I shouldn't have quit a job that gave me financial security. But is it worth my mental health and my happines? I don't think so.
In a lot of discussions there was the realization that this might me a millenial thing: We are painfully aware that financial security is not what it used to be. No one can assure me that this financial security will last anyway. It is more than unlikely for us to work for the same company for the rest of our life. Thus, it is more than unlikely to increase our wage by staying long. And for me as a bookseller, it is impossible to actually be paid enough to not have to think about money anymore. A friend put it like that: "We're generation internship. We are used to getting paid very little, if anything at all. Thus, the decision for us to make is: Do we want to work a shit job for little money or a job that we love for little money?" The answer is pretty clear. We just don't value money higher than happiness anymore, because we get less money anyway.
I feel really good about my decision and I will see what the future brings. If anything, I kept my integrity and stuck to being myself. So I guess that's something.

Good things that happened to me in 2017

So my first full year on this blog is about to end, time for a recap of 2017.
Yeah, just... let's start with all the nice stuff, don't we? Let's have some good vibes over here!
Weirdly, the good vibes start with a very bittersweet memory: In March 2017, the guy who abused me sexually as a child finally got convicted. Even though it is a thing I wish never happened to anyone, even though it is a thing that opened up old wounds and put me in a bad place mentally, even though I am still recovering from seeing him in court and maybe even more from how some of the newspaper reporters treated me - it is a good thing that it happened and I am very glad I got to put an end to it all. It's finally completely over. And no one can take that from me. So I'll just stick to that. I refuse to let the bad parts tied to this spoil that it is actually a great, amazing thing.
While I am leaving this behind, let's move on to the actual good things, the ones that are completely great.
In June I passed my final exams of my bookseller apprenticeship - the oral exam with 100%. Three years of hard work and learning how to study completely payed off and I am very proud of myself and this accomplishment. A bit after that, after a long and frustrating job hunt, I nailed the only job interview I had and got myself a well-paid full time job back in my hometown. Also in June, same-sex marriage finally became legalized in Germany and I will never forget the joy I felt seeing people celebrate in the streets, even though it does not necessarily concern me personally - while I am pansexual, I am in a relationship with a man who I intend to spend the rest of my life with, so for the time being, personally, I could have done just fine without the new law. However, what is me being able to do okay worth if the people around me are not equally able to do okay?
In July, I finally went back to Exeter and had a lovely week introducing my partner to my friends over there and to the city I undeniably fell in love with a year earlier. After that, I moved back to my hometown, to my grannys place first, and started at the new job and thus, a new part of my life.
The best thing in August was my partners birthday: My gran, my aunt and I took him to a boat ride on a lake as a surprise - keeping that a secret for two weeks was propably one of the hardest things I ever had to do because he is the person I want to tell all the things that excite me. It was a really successful surprise and seeing him this happy and joyful like a little boy is everything to me. It will be hard to keep up to this next year. A bit later, we signed the rental contract to our dream flat.
In October, we finally moved in said flat, and after 2,5 years I moved in with my partner. While as every move ours was exhausting as well, I had loads of fun picking out furniture, arranging it in this awesome flat of ours etc. (did I mention that I love this flat a lot?).
On November 2nd, I got engaged. More specifically, I proposed to my partner. Even more specifically, I spontaneously bought two not too cheap but also really not expensive rings, put them in front of him and never actually got the question over my lips because I am awkward like that. So, technically, it could all be a huge misunderstanding but given he has told his family and all, I guess it is not. So I will definitely marry this guy. Not too soon (dude, weddings are expensive!) but propably in 2019 or so. All of this sounds very indifferent just written down like this, mostly because putting smileys in this text would be weird, but I am really, really happy, I swear!
In December, I went to Hamburg for my pirate crews annual christmas drink and had a really good time, had a lovely christmas dinner at my best friends place, went to Freiburg for a gigantic, decadent company christmas party and had a lovely christmas eve with my mum, fiance and my sister.
Put down like that, I think overall, it was a pretty good year. For that reason, I refuse to write a synopsis about the bad things as well - let's all concentrate on the nice things more, even though or maybe especially because of all the bad things that are happening around the world lately. This may be my first new years resolution: Focusing more on the positive things in my life. Not ignoring the bad things, simply not forgetting all the things that do make me smile.

Missing retail - A Love Story

Due to christmas shopping I went to a tiny little bookstore this week. I found it right in the middle of our city, it has always been there, but since it technically isn't on one of the big High Streets, I never noticed it before.
I tend to buy a lot of books as christmas presents, I guess it's a habit very typical for people of my profession. So we went in there and went out half an hour later with 5 books in my fiances backpack and one more being ordered for us for two days later. It was a lovely shop, two floors, one with German books and one with English ones, all decorated with a lot of love and care. The employees were typical booksellers, you could just sense their love for their goods, they were authentic and with burning passion for their work, and of course helpful and polite as they should be.
When I left the shop I bursted into tears. Being in such a lovely little bookshop hurt.
Why? Because I miss this. I miss being one of those passionate booksellers instead of one of those indifferent office job workers. I miss caring for my work. I miss burning for my work.
I always did burn for selling books. I burned for every bit of it, from unpacking the boxes full of new books in the morning to handling even the most tedious customer with a smile to counting the cash in the evening, hell, I even burned for dusting the shelves for hours. All the boring, unnerving, exhausting tasks I thought I'd be happy to leave behind when I started at my current job, I even miss those. I miss all of this a lot.
Sure, my current job is not too bad. It does pay more than I'd get in a bookshop, I don't have to do physically demanding works like carrying several kilos of books up and down stairs, I don't have to deal with customers too often and if I don't feel like smiling I don't have to, my colleagues are lovely, my superiors take pretty good care of me, I can work flexible times and I have a lot of chances to learn and grow as a person work-wise. This job does have a lot of perks. But it is not what I burn for. I don't really care for what I am doing here. If it wasn't for paying my bills, I propably would not go here everyday, 40 hours a week. It's a bearable job, it's pretty ok, but it isn't great. It doesn't make me happy.
Now this would be a lot different if I would have actively decided to do this instead of working in a bookshop. Then it would be a) my fault and b) changable. However, the reason it hurts even more is that it was never my decision to make. There are simply too few jobs in book selling, especially if you want them to pay you a living (there are mostly part time jobs that would hardly cover my rent and food) and limit yourself to one city. Thus, I never stood a real chance to decide if I wanted to stay in bookselling or do something else. I was kicked out of my personal paradise and took my current job only for the sake of having a job at all.
For the first time in my life I feel truly betrayed by capitalism, personally offended. In Germany, several hundreds of booksellers are trained, but there are not even closely enough jobs for them after they finished their apprenticeship. There are a few lucky ones who can stay in the shops where they did their apprenticeship, there are some who find work in other shops and some who don't want to be a bookseller anymore, and then there's people like me who would die to keep doing this job but don't find a job in their field. A lot of booksellers are basically bread for unemployment and it is frustrating. It is frustrating having worked so hard for years below minimum wage for nothing. It's even more frustrating wanting to highly recommend this work field because it makes you so happy just to realise you couldn't possibly bear to see someone becoming that disappointed as well.
In the end, it feels a bit like being in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings. It hurts a lot but you can't change it, they can't change it either, it just is what it is: Not meant to be. Their feelings might change at some point, but you have no guarantee for it, so it is the best for everyone to move on for now.

New job, new me - Update

When I leave at 2.30 pm today, I'll be 4 weeks into my new job.
It's surreal taking that in. Four weeks working for this new company, four weeks living in my hometown again, almost 9 weeks since I finished my apprenticeship. I guess I am a grown-up now? (I hope not)
I am not exactly working as a bookseller anymore. I am, in the broadest sense, but I am not spending my days standing in a shop, advising customers, recommending books, carrying shitloads of books anymore. I've got an office job now, and I like it a lot better than I thought, to be honest.
My job title is Customer Success Manager. Well, doesn't that sound fancy? Mostly, my work is managing subscriptions for university libraries. I make sure everything goes as smoothly as possible, have an open ear for complaints when something doesn't go smoothly, and on the side I do a bit of marketing as well. So far, everything goes well. I have a bit of trouble adjusting to the new software and learning a whole lot more about how eBooks work and suddenly having to write business corespondation in English (because you bet your ass I am hella insecure already when confronted with being professional in German to start with). But I learn and grow more confident every day.
Speaking of the company size (in my old job we were 5 people, now we're 60-something), I was pretty sure a lot would change for me transferring to such a (comparably) huge company. But I am good, actually? The people here are very lovely, welcoming me with open arms, taking care of me when I need help learning something, and the working conditions are great as well. I have flexible working hours, the possibility to get further education to do a better job at all times, we get informed about all the important stuff going on (for example, the re-organisation that is about to happen) and get a say in the stuff happening, and on top of that, I am paid well. What more do I want?
Right now, I am just a stand in for a colleague in maternity leave, so this job is only temporary right now, I'll work here until Autumn next year. But that's the great thing about this re-organisation - I might be able to stay because of that. I have a great opportunity here - everyone wish me luck things turn out as I plan. 

Books to read to make you feel better

Reading can help a lot with things, I think if you, dear reader, found this humble blog, you propably know that already. Throughout my life, I struggled with a lot of different things, from things as simple and survivable as break-ups up to actual depression. And even though I tend to prefer books about the saddest, heartbreaking topics, there are some that helped, either anyway, or because I picked up something carefree for once. I will not go as far as pretending books could cure mental illness, rest assured, but what I am going to say is that personally, I found peace in reading books that are supposed to make you happy, I found calm within pages as I found useful advise from time to time when characters went through things comparable to my own situation at this point. So I don't guarantee for anything, but here are a few books that help bring me up again when I am feeling down and maybe they can help you too.

"Hectors Search For Happiness" by Francois Lelord

 See, this is one of those carefree books. The style of writing is very pure as if Hector wasn't a grown-up psychiatrist but, well, a little boy viewing the world as a very happy place to begin with (which propably makes his search for happiness easier). The movie with Simon Pegg and Rosamund Pike is very recommendable too, even though it is a lot more realistic because we rather watch Hector on his journey than seeing the journey through his own eyes.
I read this book when I just started my apprenticeship and the town I newly moved to was still a bit scary and strange and I was just starting to get a bit better after the really dark few months - it did help me with my recovery, and I still like to watch the movie on bad days (and cry like a happy little baby in the end).




"Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert

Another book turned into a movie, but this time, for the love of god, please don't watch the movie (or, if you have already, don't let the movie stop you from reading the book). I came to read this pretty coincidentally, I got a used copy somewhere for free and thought "okay, this is said to be a so called 'womens book' (=aka cheesy and lovey dovey and just not my type of books), but it's hyped a lot, so let's see what all the fuss is about, after all it's free"- this one one of the luckiest coincidences in my life so far (and I do have a lot of lucky coincidences).
"Eat Pray Love" is non-fiction but still pretty much written like a novel. It is about Elizabeth Gilbert herself recovering from her divorce by spending a trimester each in Italy (where she basically eats her own body weight in pizza and pasta to enjoy wordly things), India (where she joins an Ashram to embrace spirituality) and on Bali (to find a way to combine both). I read this book when I was recovering from a pretty rough break-up myself and found some useful advise on how to deal with my own feelings in the way Elizabeth dealt with hers, as well as advise on how to go about my love life in the future. I have since been a lot more chill about dating, so this book actually had a long-term positive influence on me.

"The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho

 I actually just finished this book last week, I picked it because it's a classic and pretty short (less than 200 pages) so it was a nice read after I finished "The Blackthorn Key" and waited for the second Blackthorn book to be released. "The Alchemist" isabout following your destiny and your dreams and having trust that somehow, everything will work out.
After realizing that the next two months will be rough financially and being frustrated with the infamous German bureaucracy, this book really calmed me down - it's right, I will survive this and everything is going to be so much better after going that one last mile on my way to a life with a new, well-paid job and a new flat etc. "I'll be okay, even if everything sucks from time to time" is the message this book shouts in your face.



Other examples would be the Harry Potter books, for example, or "Ronia, the Robbers Daughter" by Astrid Lindgren, just books from my childhood in general because they always take me back in time a bit to a time where things were just easier. Of course that wouldn't work for everyone, but it works for me, and I'm glad reading helps me cope. Do you have books as well that you keep going back to when everything sucks?

So it's been quiet.

People who remember my awkward trys as a YouTube person will also remember how this is a sentence I say a lot, (I should definitely stop to remind people that I tried to be a YouTube Person) as will people who follow my art page on Facebook. Me not having any continuity with my social media content output is a classic, really. That is mostly due to me having creative output in general in phases, no matter what it is what I do, drawing, writing, (ugh) making awkward videos etc., it doesn't matter. The other reason for this is me getting too caught up in life, I still do have a fulltime job, so far still with school going on next to that and, of course, a social life to keep up with. While other content creators seem to juggle all this very vell and still create every week or even daily, I am horrioble at even attempting this. However, I decided I will not apologize for silence anymore.

Here's the thing: Given that I am creative in phases, I have the choice between posting content I stand behind very irregularly, or posting stuff I am not entirely happy with regularly. We all know which of those is the more favourable choice for me and for the people who are interested in my content.

In detail, this time, I simply didn't have much to write about. Sure, there is a lot going on in my life right now, but nothing that would justify a single, long blog post. And even if there was, there are specific reasons I don't do it.
For example, a few weeks ago I had the court appointment following that thing I posted about in December (TW sexual abuse). To state the short version: It was horrible, I am not okay after this, but I know that I will be. Also, the sentence is 5,5 years. Yes, there is a lot more to talk about in detail, but I prefer to do so privately, since I don't want my blog to be about that every other month. I don't want my life to be about this every other month. I don't want to make that my topic and I am afraid if I posted more than this one post, it might stain this blog and me to be honest.
Then there's, well, life. I'll have my written final exam in May, my oral exam in June, so I have to study now, and more importantly, I have to find a new job because right the second they'll tell me that I've passed my oral exam and I am a fully-trained bookseller now - I am unemployed. Since I am planning to go back to my hometown, I not only have to find a new job but also have to cancel all sorts of contracts here, organize everything, so it's a lot to do, but not a lot to actually write about.
After telling those two things, it will be no surprise to anyone to hear that I did not read too much lately, didn't go to the movies often or enjoyed anything that I could review on here. I do read, I do watch movies etc., but not really for review - just for me. Yes, there is a huge difference between consuming media for your own enjoyment or doing it for review purposes.

So far, so well. However, at this point I want to share two YouTube videos with you, dear reader, that found the way into my heart this week.

First of all, there's "Foundation" by my all-time-favourite muse Liam Dryden. Liam has been very quiet as well on YouTube for a while now - and then he uploaded this. I don't feel like it is my place to talk about the adressed event because it has nothing to do with me (as in, I am not directly effected in any way nor involved) and Liam did "offer" an explanaitory video on his Twitter so let's wait for that instead because all I know is more or less rumors, I don't know which of those are true and which ones aren't and thus will keep my mouth shut. However, regardless of wether you know what this is about, it is a beautifully worded poem about a feeling I think a lot of us can relate to. I am very glad Liam made this honest thing.

The other one is "Comfort food", a short film by Sam Saffold, which might be one of the most beautiful pieces of art that anyone ever made about love just being love with all its ups and downs. Also, it's got food and books, so of course I'm hooked!

Definitely check out those videos while I'll hit the books again - and hopefully don't write my next review about my textbook.

Reverse Q&A

A few months ago, I subscribed to SuperSamStuff on YouTube. To be honest, I think I am growing apart with YouTube in general. I've been there for 10 years now, watching a shitload of videos, I think there has been a phase in my teenage years where I literally did nothing else in my freetime, but now, I found other stuff to do and thus only watch rarely and not everything the channels I subscribed to create. That's why I am especially glad I found Sams video „Let's get personal“ in which he answers a few questions. Those questions originate from a video by Sammy Paul. The overall idea is to have a reverse Q&A, Sammy asking the questions, people answering.
People who know me for some time may have realized by now that I quite enjoy answering questions about myself. Yes, that might be a bit self-centered, but that may be because I am in general really bad at asking questions. I prefer the conversation just coming up as you go. Start by asking me a question, listen to my answer, then tell me yours and we'll have follow-up questions, anecdotes that spring to mind because of our answers and so on, that's how I like to talk.
Anyways, I really liked the questions Sammy asked the world, and I'd like to answer them. Since the days when I tried to make YouTube videos myself are long, long gone and I don't fancy giving it the millionth try, I decided to use this little blog here to do so – also because I am way better at writing than talking in front of a camera to keep my thoughts in order and easy to follow. Trust me, I'm doing you a favor by not talking to the camera again!

There we go:

1 - In this moment, what are you most excited for?

Next year, I will finish my apprenticeship. I'll have my written exam in April, my oral exam in June or July, and then I will be a fully trained bookseller. That also means that I'll officially start applying for a new job in January – and I'll move back to my home town. I'll live with my grandma for a couple of months before my boyfriend is finished studying and we can move in together. This whole 'future' thing is really exciting if a bit scary, but mostly, I am really looking forward to living closer to my family again, getting a new place to work at (disclaimer: I love my current work place, but I am a fan of change, of new things, so bear with me), and of course to go apartment hunting and (YAY!) furnish a whole new place to fit both my boyfriend and me, especially since our financial possibilities will be something entirely else than what we have now. No, I cannot stop thinking of that future – and I am looking forward to it!

2 - What do you risk regretting about your current lifestyle in five years time?

Smoking of course. I will stop at some point in the next 3 years. Hear me out: I know I should do it now, and I keep telling that myself as well (literally every time I am about to finish a pack of cigarettes), but on the other hand, since (I hinted it above) my financial situation is everything but safe right now, that's a thing I get upset about a lot and what I really need when I am upset (I repeat: A LOT) is to calm down. Cigarettes help with that. I'd prefer my life in general to be more stable when I quit because I am actually scared I'll be a complete asshole when I do that. Correction: I KNOW that I will be a complete asshole, and I'd like to keep collatoral damage as small as possible. So yeah, give me time. It will happen eventually. Just not yet.

3 - If you had to raise a child with one other person in your life, who you are not romantically engaged with, who would it be and why?

Propably my best friend. We'd raise the most woke child in the history of wokeness.
On the other hand, my mum would be a great candidate as well. My mum is awesome at raising children, my amazing sister and I are proof for that.

4 - If I were to say "home", what's the first image that comes to mind?

I cannot answer that clearly. On one hand, it's the place I grew up at, where I sit in the yard with my parents and drink and talk. The whole neighbourhood I grew up in, actually.
On the other hand, it's the future place I imagine having next year with my boyfriend. More details on that will follow at some point, but this is not the post for that. Propably when things get serious next year.
And on the third hand (is that something people say?), in a future a bit further away, Devon. Ever since I spent a month living and working in Exeter, I keep missing it like hell. I have rarely ever felt so welcome somewhere, and the overall atmosphere of Exeter and Exmouth clicks with me. I discovered an empty shop in Exmouth that looked perfect to open up what I have in mind for my own bookshop at some point in my life, and I keep dreaming of that, of the whole month I spent there. I miss that place and especially the people there just as much as I kept missing my family for the past 2 years living in a different place, so I guess that means a lot.

5 - What doesn't scare you that should?

To be honest, the very few things that do pop up are either things that actually should not scare me or that I am actually scared of and just pretend not to be. I am a general a very scared person, even if I don't show it too often. The question would be easier to answer if it was „What scares you that shouldn't“. I guess I have to spare this one.

6 - What's the angriest you've ever been?

I am also a very angry person in general. I can't really decide on a moment. Because that's my secret, I am always angry. No, actually, moment a) was when I realized that my phone company fucked up my contract which is why I have to pay 10 bucks more each month on an already expensive contract – and I can't even cancel it because of that. At least, not before the minimum contract duration of 2 years is met.

b) would be last year, when a guy comissioned me for 100 bucks, I delivered including sending him several „work in progress“ asking if he likes it or if I should change something, and he just downright refused to pay me. And blocked me everywhere. Via a friend I got told he didn't like the artwork. Fuck that guy. That's when I started working with a contract only.

7 - What are the three most justifiable reasons someone might dislike you?

1. I do discuss a lot. I am a feminist, anti-racist, LGBT-supporting – well, let's face it, I am a social justice warrior. Even if we actually agree on those topics, I tend to be pretty obsessed with issues quickly, and that's exhausting for people – for me as well, to be honest. I understand if people prefer to not get to close to me because of that.
2. Actually, I just talk a lot in general – that can be exhausting too, even if it is about a topic that's completely harmless. I get that this is not something everybody likes.
3. I do swear a lot and am pretty casual in my everyday language. And very open. Sometimes a bit tmi. Not everyones thing.

8 - Select a random aqcuaintence in your life. What's the biggest favour that person could do for you?

My boyfriend could come over and cuddle me while I fall asleep. That would be nice. Does he count as an aquaintance? I don't know, but I know him, so I guess yes.

9 - In contrast, what's the biggest favour you could do for that person?

Cuddle back. (Can you tell I miss having him here every day when he had his break from uni?)

10 - What compliment has meant the most to you?

Even though I don't talk to that person anymore for different reasons, someone once told me that when I discuss topics, I put my arguments very well and they usually started to overthink and question their own views because of me. That was an awesome compliment and it made me smile for a few days straight.

Well, now y'all do know a bit more about me. I'd really enjoy to read some of your answers in the comments – let's make it a conversation!