One of the good guys

Meeting you is like finding a unicorn. „What are we even discussing here?“ you keep asking when I try to explain my world to you and you realize we live in the same one. I don’t have to show you my opinions and principles with arguments, you already did the thinking and came to the same conclusions. „We are only discussing to give each other a bit of an echo“, you say. So I stop discussing and start accepting that I don’t have to teach you the basics of my morality because, hey: You are one of the good guys.

The fact that my morality is so adamant is based on dozens before you hurting it, hurting me, harming me, all my life because the basics weren’t clear, and I trust that this won’t happen with you, a bit more every day. But this trust is shaky, full of doubt because people lie, all the time, we are great at deluding each other and ourselves, and that’s why I need time. That hurts you. That disappoints you. Why do I need that long to give you my trust? After all, you are one of the good guys!

So I don’t explain the basics to you but the details, the application of the rules, we all know it from back in school, you already know how it works, now finally do it. You really know the theory, you keep telling me that I can trust you, that you are not like the other guys, that you want me to feel good around you, so many pretty words, and then you fail with the practice, hurt me, overstep my boundaries, rip open old wounds from previous battles all over again, and I keep trying to remember with all my willpower: You are one of the good guys and you would never hurt me.

And because you are one of the good guys I only notice the little stings with the knife when they turn into real cuts and threaten to let me bleed out. But I do notice them. And I warn you. Keep warning you, “You hurt me! You are harming me!” Because you are one of the good guys and you want me to feel good around you and if you need my hints for that you would never hurt me! You just don’t know what you are doing! You are one of the good guys after all!

But you’re not listening to my hints. Try to convince me that I am actually not really bleeding. That it’s not a knife in your hand but a feather that is gently caressing me instead of cutting me up. For a moment I am starting to doubt myself because it fits way better with you actually being one of the good guys, but the cuts and the pain and the blood, I am not making that up, even if decide to not see them. So I growl so you finally start taking me seriously, and you are angry about that because obviously, I am wronging you. How can I growl at you when you don’t actually want to do me any harm? So you push me further into a corner, and it’s narrow, and by now you keep cutting deeper and deeper, again and again, before I finally snap and, out of desperation, bite.

Panting you back off, and now you finally see the cuts too. Feel the weight of the knife in your hand. And you are shocked. What is this damn knife doing in YOUR hand? Why would you have a knife? You would never hurt me, you are one of the good guys!

In the next few months, you will tell yourself and others that I cut myself and blamed you for it because you held the knife. I kept running into it, it was not your fault, and when you just wanted to put the knife away I simply left. You never wanted to hurt me, you are one of the good guys, if only I had given you more chances, if only I had explained to you for a twentieth time how you are hurting me, whatever you need to tell yourself to still be able to believe yourself the good guy. Because as long as you keep telling yourself that vehemently enough, tell it to yourself and everyone around you, as long you are going to be a good guy and won’t have to face the uncomfortable truth that those who are actually the good guys are working on themselves for that. Because those who are actually the good guys don’t have to tell it. They simply have to show it with their actions too.

The future isn't female, but the present is male

Last week, I read an article on the German blog Im Gegenteil titled "The future isn't female - a plea for more cooperation between the genders" that was, in my eyes, pretty ill-informed and not fully thought through. I decided to write an article myself, an alternative to what the other author wrote and made feminism out to be. This article was originally published on Im Gegenteil in German as well. 

Oh, when will we finally get rid of that old fairytale that feminists want to get rid of men. When will critics of feminism finally realize what feminists already know: That feminists, of course, don't want to get rid of men, because a) it's simply impossible and b) doesn't help at all?
Why do so many people still believe this nonsense? Probably because they lack the willingness to abstract. Because the thing feminism wants to get rid of is the patriarchy, the supremacy of men - and when we say "men", we mean masculinity as a social concept, not "each and every individual man has to cease to exist". Maybe that is because we are not a children's playtime club, no fancy trend that is in right now, but individuals with a political opinion - opinions, that is, which can differ a lot and can be expressed differently as well, of course. Because that is basically the main point of feminism: We are not a homogenous group. Because women are not a homogenous group. Men aren't either, by the way.

Now some may say: "When neither men nor women are a homogenous group, why do you fight against the supremacy of men, isn' t that a contradiction?"
Let's start at the very beginning, with the idea that "man" and "woman" are merely categories that we as humans use for ourselves. The failure of those begins when we are asking for definitions: What makes someone a man or a woman? A lot of people love to answer that with genitals or chromosomes. I'm sorry to disappoint you: Even from a biological view there are not only man and woman, two categories existing strictly like this. There's way more variety than XX and XY and there's a spectrum between vagina and penis. I know, all of us learned that differently in school but just because our curriculum is simplified that doesn't mean reality is as well.

So it's natural to just assume that gender is a social construct and that also means that so-called femininity and masculinity are only learned behaviours. And now we are at the roots: We live in a society that works within these exact categories. We humans just really love our labels. In the end, the aim is that each and every person can do what he or she or they or every other pronoun should be able to do whatever they want. Every person should be able to live however they want and however it makes them happy. Of course with the usual limits: My freedom ends where it limits the freedom of someone else. That goes in every direction - doing things that don't fit your socially assigned gender role, doing exactly those things, everything in between.

And yes, sure, by law we already got pretty far, but only because it already got better that doesn't mean we are already done. When I go on vacation I don't stop half-way down the road either and say "Ok, here we are, vacation time!" when I'm still in France but originally planned to go to Portugal. Sure, by law we can live our lives quite freely already. The problem is mainly the reactions of others to how we live - sure, women can have a career, but there's still always the worry that they could get pregnant the next second and go on maternity leave. Even when they can't have children. Which is not anyone's business, really. And even if they get pregnant: Why does it harm the professional life of the person giving birth so much, but not the person who impregnated them? When we always say that it takes two people to make a child (which is correct), why is only one of them taking the responsibility for it? Why isn't it more normal for both parents to equally take care of their child? We are having a structural problem here, a vicious circle that needs to be broken. And that isn't only the case here but also when the topic is the choice of profession, the gender pay gap, and many more.

The point is: Yes, theoretically, women can be and do everything they want in Germany, but it will be so much harder as soon as they want to be or do something that is viewed as masculine. The other way around as well. Ever seen the drama when a man wants to be a nurse or a kindergarten teacher?
My favourite argument is still that it is women making other women's lives miserable. And again: yes! It was never about blaming one gender. Sometimes I wish it was that easy because that would make these problems way easier to solve. The sad truth is: women are sexist. Of course they are. All of us are sexist. Simply because we live in and are socialized by a sexist society. Vicious circle, again.

So when we agree that everyone should be able to live a life in equality and well-being regardless of gender and that neither women are the only victims of the patriarchy nor men are the only ones responsible for it: Why call it feminism and not humanism? That's basically not wrong. On the German Wikipedia page about humanism you can read the following definition: "[Humanism] drafts an ideal society where the best possible personal development of every individual person should be enabled. This is linked to criticism of current circumstances which are opposing this goal from the viewpoint of humanism." So you could say in your best conscience: Feminism is always humanistic. The reason to still call it feminism is explained just as quickly: When everything that is viewed as masculine by humanity is valued more than everything that is categorized as feminine we have to bring both to an equal level. And only then we have a chance to get rid of those categories for good.
So yes, I do agree: The future isn't female. The future is diverse and great for everyone. And yes, for that to happen all of us have to work together regardless of gender. So please: Reflect on yourself, your thoughts, your behavious, talk to your friends, family and everyone you know, raise your children to be individuals and maybe, in a few generations, we can be truly humanist. Because feminism is only necessary as long as sexism exists.

#MenAreTrash - A discourse

Embroidery by Fembroidery (Instagram), please check her out and give her all the love and money!

The place is German Twitter. One of the trending hashtags is #MenAreTrash. It started with a brown feminist trying to explain that sexism is a structural problem and can't be solved by individuals only - no matter how nice and cool individual men are, men as a social group and masculinity as a social construct are a problem. We can't sustain on the few individual men that are reflecting their behaviour when they stay exceptions to a norm that stays sexist. I'd say that is a pretty simple thing to understand. Now you might say "but you haven't been called trash, you're a woman, you are not adressed by this" - true! But as a white cis woman I do get adressed when trans people call cis people trash, or when people of colour call white people trash. And I accept that. I accept that there is things going wrong between different social groups here, and that no one actually means that I am trash because of the colour of my skin or for agreeing with the gender I was assigned at birth. What they mean is: White people, cis people and, yes, men hold the privilege and the power to actually change something, and yet they don't most of the time - either they actively work against the change, or they refuse to reflect on themselves to start change from within their own behaviour, or they don't actively citicize their peers when they show problematic behaviour. And I recognize that I am by far not an exception and could do more when people tell me that cis people are trash or white people are trash for not speaking out for their fellow human beings who are not as privileged.

Now the first reaction to hashtags like #MenAreTrash are defensive ones. That is just natural - no one wants to be insulted, that's normal. The problem is that this defense very quickly turns into aggression - "I am not trash because I am a man, you deserve to be raped and killed" is a thing I have read way too often in the past few hours. Let me make one thing clear: When you're trying to proof that you are not an asshole, behaving like one and threatening others is propably not the best approach unless you really, really want to confirm the original statement. Now if that was only the reaction of very few people, that would be almost ok. Would be bearable. But it isn't. It's so so many.

Another reaction that is incredibly common is people arguing that aggressive hashtags like #MenAreTrash are a not helping the cause and only paint feminism in a bad light (and provoking reactions like the one above). That it would be the better approach to discuss peacefully and friendly. While I agree that this would be the ideal way: It doesn't really matter anymore how you talk about feminism. Ninetynine percent of the time, you won't be taken seriously anyway. You will be laughed at, belittled at best, insulted and threatened, at the worst you will actively experience physical and sexual violence or even be killed. These are all things that happen at a shockingly high rate when women speak out for equal rights, no matter how calm and friendly they are being. No matter what a fucking ray of sunshine we are being while trying to discuss this, we will get the same reactions. So why should we always take the high road? Why not yell out all the anger and frustration that sticks to our hearts all the time, each and every day, if it makes no difference anyway? To me, #MenAreTrash is an outlet for all the things we usually don't say, all the anger we bottled up over the years, everything we usually swallow in the naive hope that we could somehow be understood and be taken seriously, that we somehow could induce reconsideration and change if we just stayed calm while our counterparts give us shit. That's the thing: No one tries to police the tone of the ones we are talking to. But everyone asks us to be nice and polite while being harrassed and threatened, additionally to all the micro-aggressions we endure on a daily basis when feminism/sexism isn't even the topic. It's frustrating. And this is what is exploding right now with this hashtag. This is a telling-off.
Basically, #MenAreTrash is like when two people fight face to face and one calls the other one an asshole. Not necessarily because the other one is definitely and irreversibly an asshole, but because you are so incredibly angry about the actual reason for the fight. And when the other person just says: "Sure, you have absolutely legit criticism here with all the arguments and stuff but you called me an asshole so I won't listen to anything you just said no matter how reasonable it is!" - well, they can't be helped then.

So the overall insight of this is: Feminism is angry. Feminism is uncomfortable. Because it sometimes has to be - at least, it got people talking. Maybe, some day, they'll also start to listen. And then, only then, we can start to work on the problem all together.

Excursion To Poetry #4 - Aug. 2018

Dear sir,

allow me to stick to my principles,
the most important one being that
I treat everyone
with basic human decency,
and thus I will not insult you
or belittle you,
even though I couldn't loathe you more.
Ironically,
this is a thing you helped me learn,
even while you had so much trouble doing so youself.

You met me as a teenager, and as a teacher,
it was your job to teach me,
not only for your class and exams but for life,
and so you did.
Just very differently than you thought you would,
I guess.

You were one of the so thinly spread male teachers I ever had, and yet,
you tought me to be a feminist.
Not because you were one yourself,
but because you were not,
and you showed me problems in our society from your perspective 
I just approach them a way
you propably never intended me to.

You taught me linguistics
that language is in constant change
that the limits of my language mean the limits of my world
and I took from it that
as long as the generic masculine
is the norm in my mother tongue
this world will be a mans world indeed.
Pardon me for writing this letter in English:
it is easier to use a language that doesn't deny my existence.

You taught me
that people become aggressive
and violent when they're about to lose something
or someone they value.
I have to thank you for that
because it prepared me for everything to come
every moment when someone really valued me.

And in the same lection
you taught me that
the best way to show
an enemy your teeth
is a smile.
So I will smile at you.
I will give you the warmest
most genuine smile
if we ever meet again.

Dear sir,
it is a shame we loathe each other so much.
The things that we could learn
together
if just we could have
a no-nonsense talk,
just once.

Yes means yes

So there's a new law being discussed in Sweden.
This new law says that not only "no" does mean "no" but that an actual "yes", actual conscious consent has to be given for sex to not be rape.
That means: Silence isn't consent, unconsciousness isn't consent, a "yes" under the influence of drugs isn't consent (and yes, that includes being drunk), a "yes" given because you were threatened if you said no is not consent and so on.
Now this law still has it's flaws: It still doesn't cover power inbalances being the reason for a spoken "yes", it is still is word against word when it comes to proving wether or not someone gave consent, but it is propably the best law victims of sexual violence can get to defend themselves and their bodily autonomy.
The reason I am writing a blog post about it is definitely not that I would have a problem with it - if anything, I am shocked again how something that should be common sense is still something Scandinavia has so much ahead of the rest of the world. Blimey, that should be the law everywhere.
No, the thing I am actually shocked of is how the press is delivering those news and how people react to them.
In German newspapers, the title often was something along the line of "in Sweden only yes means yes - ideally in a written contract". We all know that a lot of people rarely read anything more than the headline, so this is all they get from it: I now need a written contract that I may fuck this person. Thus, these news are already dangerously close to being fake news.
Now the reaction of the people doesn't exactly shock me, I have lived in this world long enough to know that people can be absolute assholes. It's just the same boring, exhausting reactions we always get as soon as we discuss sexual rights, and personally, I am really tired of discussing them over and over again with people who do not want to discuss seriously.
"Best to have a notary in the bedroom at all times"
"It takes away the spontaneity that makes sex so good"
"Sure, maybe you should ask when it's a one night stand but in a relationship or even marriage you wouldn't say no ever so why ask?"
and so on. Those are not even the most disgusting ones I read so far.
Now how am we supposed to believe that rape culture is not a thing when new consent laws like the Swedish one are treated like this? When people believe that simply asking "Are you down for sexy times?" is, well, too much to ask for? When people still think others owe them their bodies for whatever reason?
But overall, I am glad that the rape statistics in Sweden will go up. Not because there will be more rape cases, but more cases where the rapists actually will get prosecuted. Thanks, Sweden. Really hope the rest of the world will live up to you at some point. 

A new face - Thoughts about the 13th Doctor

SPOILERS AHEAD! DO NOT READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHO THE NEXT DOCTOR'S GOING TO BE! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

So the new Doctor aka the actor who's playing the 13th Doctor has been announced two hours ago. And I really should say actress because yes, it is a woman. Jodie Whittaker is our new Doctor.
Now I, personally, couldn't be happier about that. Apart from having a strong and popular character like the Doctor being the same gender as me, the lead of the oldest Sci-Fi show in the world be the same bloody gender as me (which feels pretty good tbh), to me it just makes a lot of sense.
I mean, we are talking about an alien race that regenerates into completely random new forms, an alien race that can regenerate into literally everything - at this point I am kind of wondering why it never struck me as weird that even with those endless possibilities the Doctor has always been a white male. Thus, I was rooting for number 13 to be anything but a white male - a white woman, a man of colour or even a woman of colour (now wouldn't that be just extraordinary????), I'd love all of those, just give me a break from the same type all over again.
And here we are. Female Doctor. And with it, the backlash. Of bloody course.
Now I already explained why I think a female Doctor is a great idea. But I think I should also explain why I think it is definitely not a bad idea. Sounds like the same thing? Just wait...
Many people have voiced how they think that a female Doctor would change everything and it would not be the Doctor anymore. Personally, I don't think it would change anything about the character. Here's the thing: character traits rarely if ever are gender specific. I can't think of a character trait any of the former Doctors had that was inherently male. Jesus, I can't think of a character trait that I have that is in any way tied to me being a woman. I am actually pretty certain that I'd be the exact same person I am now if I was a man. Except maybe from me being socialized as a female and experiences I have made that are completely tied to be being female (as in, experiencing misogyny). Now we have been shown repeatedly that timelords don't seem to give two shits about gender. Not that they don't have gender or don't acknowledge it, they do understand the concept, but they just don't really make a fuss about it - mostly because, given female and male representations are a possibility for regenerations, it can be assumed that all time lords are inherently non-binary. So why would the Doctors behaviour and personaility change more than it usually does with this regeneration? She couldn't be socialized as a female because gender binary socialization isn't a thing on Gallifrey and the Doctor hasn't been a woman before (as far as we know). The only thing I can imagine actually changing is the reactions she gets from others. She could not be taken as seriously, she could experience all the misogyny a human woman faces, I guess more in episodes set in the past than in the future because if there's one thing Doctor Who has shown us then it is that the future and aliens are a lot more progressive, really. But I don't think her core characteristics change at all just because now she has a vagina. If she has a vagina, because I am not quite sure how similar human and timelord reproductve organs are. For all we'd know, we could see the same we see on a Barbie/Ken doll when a timelord ever pulls down their pants (and I bet that'll never happen, it's still a family show after all, for gods sake).
In general, I'd say wether or not a female Doctor works is down to the writers and wether or not they make it work. It is down to their ability to write a female character just as multifaceted as they write their males. But if it doesn't work out, I know who I am definitely not blaming: Jodie Whittaker. So let's just wait and see what they make of it. For now, all we have is a new face as always.

Edit: My friend Ryan wrote this amazing piece that you should definitely check out!