30.12.17

Good things that happened to me in 2017

So my first full year on this blog is about to end, time for a recap of 2017.
Yeah, just... let's start with all the nice stuff, don't we? Let's have some good vibes over here!
Weirdly, the good vibes start with a very bittersweet memory: In March 2017, the guy who abused me sexually as a child finally got convicted. Even though it is a thing I wish never happened to anyone, even though it is a thing that opened up old wounds and put me in a bad place mentally, even though I am still recovering from seeing him in court and maybe even more from how some of the newspaper reporters treated me - it is a good thing that it happened and I am very glad I got to put an end to it all. It's finally completely over. And no one can take that from me. So I'll just stick to that. I refuse to let the bad parts tied to this spoil that it is actually a great, amazing thing.
While I am leaving this behind, let's move on to the actual good things, the ones that are completely great.
In June I passed my final exams of my bookseller apprenticeship - the oral exam with 100%. Three years of hard work and learning how to study completely payed off and I am very proud of myself and this accomplishment. A bit after that, after a long and frustrating job hunt, I nailed the only job interview I had and got myself a well-paid full time job back in my hometown. Also in June, same-sex marriage finally became legalized in Germany and I will never forget the joy I felt seeing people celebrate in the streets, even though it does not necessarily concern me personally - while I am pansexual, I am in a relationship with a man who I intend to spend the rest of my life with, so for the time being, personally, I could have done just fine without the new law. However, what is me being able to do okay worth if the people around me are not equally able to do okay?
In July, I finally went back to Exeter and had a lovely week introducing my partner to my friends over there and to the city I undeniably fell in love with a year earlier. After that, I moved back to my hometown, to my grannys place first, and started at the new job and thus, a new part of my life.
The best thing in August was my partners birthday: My gran, my aunt and I took him to a boat ride on a lake as a surprise - keeping that a secret for two weeks was propably one of the hardest things I ever had to do because he is the person I want to tell all the things that excite me. It was a really successful surprise and seeing him this happy and joyful like a little boy is everything to me. It will be hard to keep up to this next year. A bit later, we signed the rental contract to our dream flat.
In October, we finally moved in said flat, and after 2,5 years I moved in with my partner. While as every move ours was exhausting as well, I had loads of fun picking out furniture, arranging it in this awesome flat of ours etc. (did I mention that I love this flat a lot?).
On November 2nd, I got engaged. More specifically, I proposed to my partner. Even more specifically, I spontaneously bought two not too cheap but also really not expensive rings, put them in front of him and never actually got the question over my lips because I am awkward like that. So, technically, it could all be a huge misunderstanding but given he has told his family and all, I guess it is not. So I will definitely marry this guy. Not too soon (dude, weddings are expensive!) but propably in 2019 or so. All of this sounds very indifferent just written down like this, mostly because putting smileys in this text would be weird, but I am really, really happy, I swear!
In December, I went to Hamburg for my pirate crews annual christmas drink and had a really good time, had a lovely christmas dinner at my best friends place, went to Freiburg for a gigantic, decadent company christmas party and had a lovely christmas eve with my mum, fiance and my sister.
Put down like that, I think overall, it was a pretty good year. For that reason, I refuse to write a synopsis about the bad things as well - let's all concentrate on the nice things more, even though or maybe especially because of all the bad things that are happening around the world lately. This may be my first new years resolution: Focusing more on the positive things in my life. Not ignoring the bad things, simply not forgetting all the things that do make me smile.

20.12.17

Yes means yes

So there's a new law being discussed in Sweden.
This new law says that not only "no" does mean "no" but that an actual "yes", actual conscious consent has to be given for sex to not be rape.
That means: Silence isn't consent, unconsciousness isn't consent, a "yes" under the influence of drugs isn't consent (and yes, that includes being drunk), a "yes" given because you were threatened if you said no is not consent and so on.
Now this law still has it's flaws: It still doesn't cover power inbalances being the reason for a spoken "yes", it is still is word against word when it comes to proving wether or not someone gave consent, but it is propably the best law victims of sexual violence can get to defend themselves and their bodily autonomy.
The reason I am writing a blog post about it is definitely not that I would have a problem with it - if anything, I am shocked again how something that should be common sense is still something Scandinavia has so much ahead of the rest of the world. Blimey, that should be the law everywhere.
No, the thing I am actually shocked of is how the press is delivering those news and how people react to them.
In German newspapers, the title often was something along the line of "in Sweden only yes means yes - ideally in a written contract". We all know that a lot of people rarely read anything more than the headline, so this is all they get from it: I now need a written contract that I may fuck this person. Thus, these news are already dangerously close to being fake news.
Now the reaction of the people doesn't exactly shock me, I have lived in this world long enough to know that people can be absolute assholes. It's just the same boring, exhausting reactions we always get as soon as we discuss sexual rights, and personally, I am really tired of discussing them over and over again with people who do not want to discuss seriously.
"Best to have a notary in the bedroom at all times"
"It takes away the spontaneity that makes sex so good"
"Sure, maybe you should ask when it's a one night stand but in a relationship or even marriage you wouldn't say no ever so why ask?"
and so on. Those are not even the most disgusting ones I read so far.
Now how am we supposed to believe that rape culture is not a thing when new consent laws like the Swedish one are treated like this? When people believe that simply asking "Are you down for sexy times?" is, well, too much to ask for? When people still think others owe them their bodies for whatever reason?
But overall, I am glad that the rape statistics in Sweden will go up. Not because there will be more rape cases, but more cases where the rapists actually will get prosecuted. Thanks, Sweden. Really hope the rest of the world will live up to you at some point. 

30.11.17

Missing retail - A Love Story

Due to christmas shopping I went to a tiny little bookstore this week. I found it right in the middle of our city, it has always been there, but since it technically isn't on one of the big High Streets, I never noticed it before.
I tend to buy a lot of books as christmas presents, I guess it's a habit very typical for people of my profession. So we went in there and went out half an hour later with 5 books in my fiances backpack and one more being ordered for us for two days later. It was a lovely shop, two floors, one with German books and one with English ones, all decorated with a lot of love and care. The employees were typical booksellers, you could just sense their love for their goods, they were authentic and with burning passion for their work, and of course helpful and polite as they should be.
When I left the shop I bursted into tears. Being in such a lovely little bookshop hurt.
Why? Because I miss this. I miss being one of those passionate booksellers instead of one of those indifferent office job workers. I miss caring for my work. I miss burning for my work.
I always did burn for selling books. I burned for every bit of it, from unpacking the boxes full of new books in the morning to handling even the most tedious customer with a smile to counting the cash in the evening, hell, I even burned for dusting the shelves for hours. All the boring, unnerving, exhausting tasks I thought I'd be happy to leave behind when I started at my current job, I even miss those. I miss all of this a lot.
Sure, my current job is not too bad. It does pay more than I'd get in a bookshop, I don't have to do physically demanding works like carrying several kilos of books up and down stairs, I don't have to deal with customers too often and if I don't feel like smiling I don't have to, my colleagues are lovely, my superiors take pretty good care of me, I can work flexible times and I have a lot of chances to learn and grow as a person work-wise. This job does have a lot of perks. But it is not what I burn for. I don't really care for what I am doing here. If it wasn't for paying my bills, I propably would not go here everyday, 40 hours a week. It's a bearable job, it's pretty ok, but it isn't great. It doesn't make me happy.
Now this would be a lot different if I would have actively decided to do this instead of working in a bookshop. Then it would be a) my fault and b) changable. However, the reason it hurts even more is that it was never my decision to make. There are simply too few jobs in book selling, especially if you want them to pay you a living (there are mostly part time jobs that would hardly cover my rent and food) and limit yourself to one city. Thus, I never stood a real chance to decide if I wanted to stay in bookselling or do something else. I was kicked out of my personal paradise and took my current job only for the sake of having a job at all.
For the first time in my life I feel truly betrayed by capitalism, personally offended. In Germany, several hundreds of booksellers are trained, but there are not even closely enough jobs for them after they finished their apprenticeship. There are a few lucky ones who can stay in the shops where they did their apprenticeship, there are some who find work in other shops and some who don't want to be a bookseller anymore, and then there's people like me who would die to keep doing this job but don't find a job in their field. A lot of booksellers are basically bread for unemployment and it is frustrating. It is frustrating having worked so hard for years below minimum wage for nothing. It's even more frustrating wanting to highly recommend this work field because it makes you so happy just to realise you couldn't possibly bear to see someone becoming that disappointed as well.
In the end, it feels a bit like being in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings. It hurts a lot but you can't change it, they can't change it either, it just is what it is: Not meant to be. Their feelings might change at some point, but you have no guarantee for it, so it is the best for everyone to move on for now.

23.11.17

Justice League - Review


When it comes to movie adaptions of comics, I am definitely on the Marvel side of life. Sure, I like Heath Ledgers Joker as much as the next guy (and already know I might be roasted for this statement), but Marvel is just a lot more fun for me. Also, I think Superman is the lamest super hero ever (c'mon please, roast me!).
But I am also a highly impressionable person and when the whole of the internet praises Wonder Woman I can't resist the urge to go watch it (the only reason I did not review it is that I was too much in awe to form any straight thoughts about it that could word an actual review - please note the very intentional use of the word straight in that sentence). And when my lady, my wife, the mother of my adopted children returns to the screen, I am impressively able to endure Superman and Ben Afflecks Batman.
Let's start with Batman, actually. I did not see any of the movies building up to Justice League (except WW), and I don't plan to change that. I think it is clear by now that I don't care for Superman, but what is my problem with Batsy? Well... I actually did like the Dark Knight Trilogy a lot. But never necessarily for Batman himself. I never liked any of Batman for Batman himself, to be honest. What I do like is all the characters surrounding him. The villains, obviously, but also characters like Comissioner Gordon, Alfred and Lucius Fox, and for a good part, I liked them in the TDK trilogy because they were cast incredibly well. Therefore, my problem with Ben Afflecks Batman is neither Batman nor Ben Affleck (even though, despite him apparently being one of Hollywoods nice guys, I am not a big fan of his either. It's Alfred not being Michael Caine anymore. It has to be Michael Caine. It's Lucius Fox not being Morgan Freeman anymore - it has to be Morgan Freeman. It's Gordon not being Gary Oldman anymore - you get the drift. Ben Affleck actually plays a quite decent Batsy (but his chin looks weird in the mask, just saying), but everything surrounding him feels wrong.
But let's talk about the newcomers instead because they are the ones who are actually interesting.
The Flash is a character I never dealt with before. I don't know shit about the Flash, so I can't compare the Flash I saw in Justice League with anything. What I saw is a young, quirky character, so quick not only physically but mentally as well that he stumbles, again, not only physically but vocally as well - he's awkward and clumsy, and for the later, I think that little flaw makes him interesting and human. Yeah, I can run super fast but I trip a lot while doing so. He is the main comic relief of the movie without it feeling like laughing at his cost. He brings a bit of Marvel into this DC movie, and I really hope to see a stand alone Flash movie in the future. Also, Ezra Miller is briliant, as always.
Then there's Cyborg who, in my opinion, has the biggest character developement to show for. We have this kid who should have died in the car accident he went through and who is bitter about being alive but not human. He hurts a lot. Wonder Woman, as the compassionate being with the giant heart that she is, tries to take care of him, but it's everything but easy to get through to him. Yet, he learns to embrace his everchanging super body and the opportunity to do good in this world with it.
Last but not least: DC finally managed to make Aquaman cool, but I guess everyone is cool when played by Jason Momoa.The lovely thing about this is that they picked up a lot of the things that made Aquaman so ridiculous before and turned them around for himself to make fun of them. Sadly, of all the less established characters, Aquaman is still the one least threedimensional.
Now what happens to all those characters that makes Justice League an actual story?
The premise for JL is that after Supermans death, the world is pretty much broken and very vulnerable. This opens up a chance for the mother boxes to be activated again. The three mother boxes serve both as a powerful weapon when combined and as portals for the one using the weapons: Steppenwolf, a godlike creature, who attempts to conquer and reimagine planet Earth with his army of parademons. Thousands of years ago, he was defeated by the combined powers of mankind, the amazons, the atlanteans, the olympic gods and the green lanterns, and the mother boxes were separated and hidden away: One was guarded on Themyscira, one in Atlantis and one was burried by the humans so no leader could try to use the power against other human tribes. But step by step Steppenwolf reclaims the boxes kept by the amazons and the atlanteans. Leaves the one burried by the humans, and thus the Justice League gets together to protect it and protect Earth from Steppenwolf and his army.
Boiled down like this, the plot is in fact pretty thin, it is a simple good vs. bad story, but the characters and their side-plots are what keeps Justice League alive and going. Of course it was not an epiphany, but it was solid entertainment and I really enjoyed watching it and would watch it again.
But next time, let Patty Jenkins do it. Just let Patty Jenkins do all of the DC movies from now on. Yeah, Zack Snyder, I saw what you did. Making the amazons outfits more revealing again and make Gal Gadots butt peek out occasionally makes it worse. 

24.9.17

Welcome to Third Reich 2.0

This morning, I woke up at 11am, drank a cup of coffee and then my grandma and I went to the polling station to vote in the federal election. Now it's 9pm, just 10 hours later, and I am depressed.
After the presidential election in November and the Brexit referendum I sure did lose some hope in humanity but somehow, I was able to be optimistic enough to not completely lose hope that our election in Germany wouldn't turn out as bad. Yes, I actually hoped for Germany to still remember that fascism is not a good idea, as we learned from our past. Apparently, a lot of people just took a lot of naps in History lessons.
For the ones who don't know yet: With over 13%, the relatively new right wing party AfD is the third strongest in our parlament now. To give you a remote idea exactly how right wing they are, a quote from their top candidate Alexander Gauland from just a few hours ago: "We will hunt them down and take back our country and our people." In this case, 'them' includes, for example, Angela Merkel. I think that says enough.
As my mum perfectly stated: This is basically just showing us directly, how very right wing this country still is. We now know for sure that about 1 in 5 people actually thinks that way. And we also know that 1 in 4 people couldn't be bothered to go vote to make their chance to get into the parlament smaller. Dear non-voters, this is on you too.
My friend asked me if I'd come to the town hall for a spontaneous demonstration, and as much as I wanted to, I had to realize that I can't do it tonight. I don't have the energy. So tonight I'm going to try to resist the urge to get drunk. Tomorrow, I'll try to somehow get out of bed. Next week, I'll resist the urge to take this as the final reason to move to Exeter (sorry Exeter friends). But when that is done... I'll fight. For the next four years, I'll fight for an openminded, caring Germany. I'll fight for kindness and for freedom and for equality. I'll not punch every Nazi I see because when it comes to physical violence I'm a bloody coward, but I will support anyone who has the courage to do so. I will never shut up against people who are racist, homophobic, misogynistic, transphobic, fascist etc. I will be loud, I will be aggresive, I will be uncomfortable to those who think they won for good now. I'll refuse to live in Third Reich 2.0. We all should. The 87% who voted against them. My fellow Germans - make those 4 years hell for AfD. We will not give up yet.


10.9.17

Excursion To Poetry #3 - Sep. 2017

Not here
nor there
a ghost wherever I go
not really here
nor there
nor anywhere.
What is home?
What exactly does home mean?
Home is where your heart is, they say,
but what if your heart is all over the place?
Little pieces left in every corner of the world
no matter where I go, there‘s always pieces missing,
not here, nor there, nor anywhere,
is fully home to me.

And with every place I go,
I leave bigger pieces behind,
hoping to find home in places
where I left the biggest one
and all the pieces,
all the places,
all the people,
combined in one,
make the biggest home just right inside my mind.

18.8.17

New job, new me - Update

When I leave at 2.30 pm today, I'll be 4 weeks into my new job.
It's surreal taking that in. Four weeks working for this new company, four weeks living in my hometown again, almost 9 weeks since I finished my apprenticeship. I guess I am a grown-up now? (I hope not)
I am not exactly working as a bookseller anymore. I am, in the broadest sense, but I am not spending my days standing in a shop, advising customers, recommending books, carrying shitloads of books anymore. I've got an office job now, and I like it a lot better than I thought, to be honest.
My job title is Customer Success Manager. Well, doesn't that sound fancy? Mostly, my work is managing subscriptions for university libraries. I make sure everything goes as smoothly as possible, have an open ear for complaints when something doesn't go smoothly, and on the side I do a bit of marketing as well. So far, everything goes well. I have a bit of trouble adjusting to the new software and learning a whole lot more about how eBooks work and suddenly having to write business corespondation in English (because you bet your ass I am hella insecure already when confronted with being professional in German to start with). But I learn and grow more confident every day.
Speaking of the company size (in my old job we were 5 people, now we're 60-something), I was pretty sure a lot would change for me transferring to such a (comparably) huge company. But I am good, actually? The people here are very lovely, welcoming me with open arms, taking care of me when I need help learning something, and the working conditions are great as well. I have flexible working hours, the possibility to get further education to do a better job at all times, we get informed about all the important stuff going on (for example, the re-organisation that is about to happen) and get a say in the stuff happening, and on top of that, I am paid well. What more do I want?
Right now, I am just a stand in for a colleague in maternity leave, so this job is only temporary right now, I'll work here until Autumn next year. But that's the great thing about this re-organisation - I might be able to stay because of that. I have a great opportunity here - everyone wish me luck things turn out as I plan. 

19.7.17

Oh Exeter...

There once was a girl who learned about the possibility of doing an internship abroad as part of her bookseller apprenticeship. Via an aquaintance she found his brother, a comic shop owner in Exeter, Devon, England, UK and spent a month there working in said shop, living with said brother and having the time of her life. That girl was me (now imagine a real loud gasp from an imagined audience).
That was last year in April. This year, my boyfriend and I decided to go to Exeter for a week to visit all the friends I've made during my time there and I fell in love with South England all over again.


Our journey began last Saturday. Early. Really early. We left the house at 7am to catch our flight in Düsseldorf at 10.55 am. I kinda sorta hate my boyfriend for being that keen about being early (rather than late, yes, it's the responsible thing but come on). We spent ages at the airport and to be honest, after security checks there's really not much to do in Düsseldorf airport. But oh well.
The one thing that is really annoying about Exeter is that it's not that easy to get there. You can't just take a flight straight from Düsseldorf to Exeter, no - you take a flight to London and then get on a coach to drive for another 3 hours until you finally arrive. Still absolutely worth it though.

Exmouth


Jup, I'm going to do the thing and write about Exmouth first thing in my post about Exeter. To be honest, to me they're more one city than two seperate ones. So we spent our sunday in Exmouth where my friend Lewis' parents live. They are definitely two of my favourite people in the world - when I met them in April last year they just welcomed me with open arms, they are almost ridiculously kind and warm people and I am very glad I got to meet them again.
Before we actually met them we went for a little walk on the beach and through town and I found it again - the shop of my dreams.


Look at this front. Look at the windows. I am dreaming of buying this shop one day and have my own bookshop inside it, along with a coffee place a friend would lead - it'd be amazing. Of course it would actually need a lot of touching up before that, so I'd need to become ridiculously rich to be able to afford that. If someone has a proper plan how to become rich like that, let me know.

The Glorious Art House


The Glorious Art House is a coffee shop I already fell in love with last year. It's located on Fore Street, which is in general heaven. If Frida Kahlo was a building, she'd be the Glorious Art House. It's just a really colourfull, happy place with friendly people, amazing coffee and couches I could spend weeks on. Thus we went there almost every day.


The couch right in the front might be one of my favourite places in the world. It's great to just sit there, read a book, sketch or, you know, talk to people sitting there with you. Also, I can highly recommend their moccha, and my boyfriend was all over the Glorious hot chocolate (because it had all the marshmallows). Another reason to just go there, of course, it that it's one of the many local independent places on Fore Street.


 The Quay

Exeters quay is a thing I didn't see last time - according to Lewis, it's no fun at all in April? I can only tell that in June, it's quite nice down there, even though you have to climb all the way up again when you're leaving.
We went to the quay two times, the first time for a nice lunch (I can recommend going to Mango's!) and the second time for a pedaloe tour on the river.




Well, to be honest, the boat ride has been a bit disappointing. We rented the pedalo for an hour, and while we got in we got told how small the area was where we were allowed to go. Also, I underestimated how anxious I'd be about my stuff falling into the river... accordingly, we only spent half an hour on the river before we gave the pedalo back and instead took a little walk through the neighbourhood to discover what was going on there.


The Museum

Another thing I can recommend checking out is the Royal Albert Memorial Museum And Art Gallery. It's got free admission so it's definitely worth checking out, and it has a broad variety of things to be discovered, from, well, art to fossils to stuffed animals.


There's so much stuff there, and they also give you activities and you can try on different costumes (which I didn't because my hair but the boyfriend was all over this).



So what else?

Other than that we just spent a lot of time drinking coffee in general. Another really nice spot for this is Camper Coffee Co. in McCoys Arcade on Fore Street. 


We also spent some time in the park and on the lawn in front of the cathedral sitting around, reading, enjoying the lovely weather and a burrito from Taco Macho (which is, hands down, the thing I missed most about Exeter).


At the end of the week we finally managed to go out with our friends and I ended up having a nice little hangover on our way back...



...which made the fact that Heathrow airport doesn't have a smoking area after the security checks a lot more annoying. Especially since that wasn't stated anywhere before the security checks. Which we entered about 2,5 hours before our actual flight. So yeah, the actual trips were quite unpleasant, but I still think it was worth it and will be every time in the future.

16.7.17

A new face - Thoughts about the 13th Doctor

SPOILERS AHEAD! DO NOT READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHO THE NEXT DOCTOR'S GOING TO BE! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

So the new Doctor aka the actor who's playing the 13th Doctor has been announced two hours ago. And I really should say actress because yes, it is a woman. Jodie Whittaker is our new Doctor.
Now I, personally, couldn't be happier about that. Apart from having a strong and popular character like the Doctor being the same gender as me, the lead of the oldest Sci-Fi show in the world be the same bloody gender as me (which feels pretty good tbh), to me it just makes a lot of sense.
I mean, we are talking about an alien race that regenerates into completely random new forms, an alien race that can regenerate into literally everything - at this point I am kind of wondering why it never struck me as weird that even with those endless possibilities the Doctor has always been a white male. Thus, I was rooting for number 13 to be anything but a white male - a white woman, a man of colour or even a woman of colour (now wouldn't that be just extraordinary????), I'd love all of those, just give me a break from the same type all over again.
And here we are. Female Doctor. And with it, the backlash. Of bloody course.
Now I already explained why I think a female Doctor is a great idea. But I think I should also explain why I think it is definitely not a bad idea. Sounds like the same thing? Just wait...
Many people have voiced how they think that a female Doctor would change everything and it would not be the Doctor anymore. Personally, I don't think it would change anything about the character. Here's the thing: character traits rarely if ever are gender specific. I can't think of a character trait any of the former Doctors had that was inherently male. Jesus, I can't think of a character trait that I have that is in any way tied to me being a woman. I am actually pretty certain that I'd be the exact same person I am now if I was a man. Except maybe from me being socialized as a female and experiences I have made that are completely tied to be being female (as in, experiencing misogyny). Now we have been shown repeatedly that timelords don't seem to give two shits about gender. Not that they don't have gender or don't acknowledge it, they do understand the concept, but they just don't really make a fuss about it - mostly because, given female and male representations are a possibility for regenerations, it can be assumed that all time lords are inherently non-binary. So why would the Doctors behaviour and personaility change more than it usually does with this regeneration? She couldn't be socialized as a female because gender binary socialization isn't a thing on Gallifrey and the Doctor hasn't been a woman before (as far as we know). The only thing I can imagine actually changing is the reactions she gets from others. She could not be taken as seriously, she could experience all the misogyny a human woman faces, I guess more in episodes set in the past than in the future because if there's one thing Doctor Who has shown us then it is that the future and aliens are a lot more progressive, really. But I don't think her core characteristics change at all just because now she has a vagina. If she has a vagina, because I am not quite sure how similar human and timelord reproductve organs are. For all we'd know, we could see the same we see on a Barbie/Ken doll when a timelord ever pulls down their pants (and I bet that'll never happen, it's still a family show after all, for gods sake).
In general, I'd say wether or not a female Doctor works is down to the writers and wether or not they make it work. It is down to their ability to write a female character just as multifaceted as they write their males. But if it doesn't work out, I know who I am definitely not blaming: Jodie Whittaker. So let's just wait and see what they make of it. For now, all we have is a new face as always.

Edit: My friend Ryan wrote this amazing piece that you should definitely check out!

13.7.17

Spider-Man: Homecoming - Review


One great thing about being in England this week is that I got to see Spider-Man: Homecoming a week earlier than in Germany. I am pretty sure waiting another week might have killed me. No, patience is not one of my strong features.
First of all, I am very glad they did not repeat the usual Spider-Man origin story. We all know by now that Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider, thus got superpowers, then his uncle got killed etc. etc. with great power comes great responsibility - we've seen it several times and are informed at this point (in case you have not seen it before, were not aware of Peter Parkers backstory and are not informed... spoiler?). This backstory was not told again in Homecoming, and it gave room to a lot more plot after all of that. Of course we knew about the lack of backstory because we have seen Tom Holland as Spider-Man in Civil War already - the story of Homecoming starts off right after that. Peter is told by Tony Stark to "not do anything [he] would do, certainly not do anything [he] wouldn't do, there's a little grey area between those and that is were [he - Peter] should operate" (greatest advise ever) and that he will be called by someone if there's another operation for the Avengers Peter can help with. So Peter is dropped back into his usual life, going to school, being an awkward teen and, secretly, also the friendly Spider in the neighbourhood. And, of course, Peter is ridiculously keen to get on another mission with the big guys. So instead of just doing little things to help everyone around, he also gets in trouble with a huge group of people who develop weapons from the remainings of the alien attack 8 years ago (as seen in the first Avengers movie), some comparedly harmless like a anti-gravity gun, some really everything but harmless, like granates. So of course Peter does all the things Tony Stark would and wouldn't do and gloriously fucks up both as Spider-Man and at being a normal teenager for everyone else - which, obviously, has consequences.
Spider-Man: Homecoming got the whole teenage thing right. For the first time, with Tom Holland, we have a believable 15-years-old Peter Parker - he looks young enough to be 15, he and his peers at school have believable teenage vocabulary and interests, and personally, I think Marisa Tomei is great as May as well - after all, she's supposed to be the sister of a mother of a 15-years-old boy, so why exactly did everyone look so old so far? In my honest opinion, an Aunt May in her late 30s to early 40s makes a lot more sense - even though Marisa Tomei is 52, she does pull that kind of age portayal off very well.
Another point that I really like about this movie is the diversity we see in Midtown High and around the neighbourhood - another point that makes perfect sense since a) America has a diverse population, b) New York sure as hell has a diverse population and c) god, when will the day come when natural diversity actually been shown in movies is something that isn't outstanding? So of bloody course Peters best friend Ned Leeds (Jacob Batalon) is Filipino, his love interest Liz Allan (Laura Harrier) is black, then theres Zendaya as Michelle (who might be the most relatable character ever, at least for me) - it's a proper percentage of brown people in there, and personally, I love it. Yay Marvel!
So we have all of that, plus amazing dialogues, just the right amount of Tony Stark (and other characters from the other movies) making appearances, just the right mix of awesome fighting scenes and a proper plot and a really nice sound track (Marvel clearly learned something from making two Guardians of the Galaxy movies which live from the sound track). Overall, Spider-Man: Homecoming has been a really good experience and I might want to enjoy it a few times more.

20.6.17

Books to read to make you feel better

Reading can help a lot with things, I think if you, dear reader, found this humble blog, you propably know that already. Throughout my life, I struggled with a lot of different things, from things as simple and survivable as break-ups up to actual depression. And even though I tend to prefer books about the saddest, heartbreaking topics, there are some that helped, either anyway, or because I picked up something carefree for once. I will not go as far as pretending books could cure mental illness, rest assured, but what I am going to say is that personally, I found peace in reading books that are supposed to make you happy, I found calm within pages as I found useful advise from time to time when characters went through things comparable to my own situation at this point. So I don't guarantee for anything, but here are a few books that help bring me up again when I am feeling down and maybe they can help you too.

"Hectors Search For Happiness" by Francois Lelord

 See, this is one of those carefree books. The style of writing is very pure as if Hector wasn't a grown-up psychiatrist but, well, a little boy viewing the world as a very happy place to begin with (which propably makes his search for happiness easier). The movie with Simon Pegg and Rosamund Pike is very recommendable too, even though it is a lot more realistic because we rather watch Hector on his journey than seeing the journey through his own eyes.
I read this book when I just started my apprenticeship and the town I newly moved to was still a bit scary and strange and I was just starting to get a bit better after the really dark few months - it did help me with my recovery, and I still like to watch the movie on bad days (and cry like a happy little baby in the end).




"Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert

Another book turned into a movie, but this time, for the love of god, please don't watch the movie (or, if you have already, don't let the movie stop you from reading the book). I came to read this pretty coincidentally, I got a used copy somewhere for free and thought "okay, this is said to be a so called 'womens book' (=aka cheesy and lovey dovey and just not my type of books), but it's hyped a lot, so let's see what all the fuss is about, after all it's free"- this one one of the luckiest coincidences in my life so far (and I do have a lot of lucky coincidences).
"Eat Pray Love" is non-fiction but still pretty much written like a novel. It is about Elizabeth Gilbert herself recovering from her divorce by spending a trimester each in Italy (where she basically eats her own body weight in pizza and pasta to enjoy wordly things), India (where she joins an Ashram to embrace spirituality) and on Bali (to find a way to combine both). I read this book when I was recovering from a pretty rough break-up myself and found some useful advise on how to deal with my own feelings in the way Elizabeth dealt with hers, as well as advise on how to go about my love life in the future. I have since been a lot more chill about dating, so this book actually had a long-term positive influence on me.

"The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho

 I actually just finished this book last week, I picked it because it's a classic and pretty short (less than 200 pages) so it was a nice read after I finished "The Blackthorn Key" and waited for the second Blackthorn book to be released. "The Alchemist" isabout following your destiny and your dreams and having trust that somehow, everything will work out.
After realizing that the next two months will be rough financially and being frustrated with the infamous German bureaucracy, this book really calmed me down - it's right, I will survive this and everything is going to be so much better after going that one last mile on my way to a life with a new, well-paid job and a new flat etc. "I'll be okay, even if everything sucks from time to time" is the message this book shouts in your face.



Other examples would be the Harry Potter books, for example, or "Ronia, the Robbers Daughter" by Astrid Lindgren, just books from my childhood in general because they always take me back in time a bit to a time where things were just easier. Of course that wouldn't work for everyone, but it works for me, and I'm glad reading helps me cope. Do you have books as well that you keep going back to when everything sucks?

7.6.17

"The Blackthorn Key" by Kevin Sands - Review



Christopher Rowe is extremely lucky in an otherwise unfortunate life – after growing up in an orphanage he gets the opportunity to become an apothecary’s apprentice and ends up with Benedict Blackthorn who is probably the only apothecary in London in 1665 who would never beat him. He studies hard, the recipes and how to encode them, and he finds a father figure in Master Benedict who tries to bring his curiosity under control when he almost blows up the apothecary shop again with one of his unauthorized experiments. Actually, everything could be perfect, if it wasn’t for the mysterious murders that keep happening in the city – the victims primarily being apothecaries. Christopher worries for his master and a race against time begins where he has to try, with the help of his masters codes, to lift the secret of the murderers.
Kevin Sands’ debut “The Blackthorn Key” is an exciting mix of adventure, crime and a tad of fantasy that gets a slight historic spin from its setting. Young Christopher Rowe and his master grow close to the reader very quickly, the other characters are designed with a lot of love as well, and the plot is worked out with loads of details and pretty much impossible to solve by yourself. “The Blackthorn Key” is recommended for children between 10 and 13, but the now grown up Harry Potter- and Bartimæus-fans will probably like it just as much.

29.5.17

Soulfood - Spinach Salad



Oh my god it. is. hot.
Nap season has officially begun where I have to take a nap as soon as I get home because the heat is so physically exhausting, and I am sure I am not the only one who can't stand the thought of a warm meal when it's 31°C outside. So I switch over to a lot of vegetables and less carbs, when it's warm I get a weird desire for healthy food (well, at least things that feel healthy). Last weekend I was visiting my mum, and since my sister was out and my boyfriend was at a fancy dinner for doctors/med school students/anyone who is somehow involved in the whole health care business we made a lovely dinner for ourselves and since my boyfriend is weirdly opposed to raw fish, we tried a recipe I found on Buzzfeed the other day and made a salmon poke bowl which was really, really good. At this point I want to stress that even though I spend a great evening with my mum and had a great meal, I am a bit pissed that just this one time I would have liked to submit to gender roles and play my boyfriends arm candy to get awesome food for free but no, they wouldn't let me. Yes, I am a bit sulky about that.
Anyways: Salmon is quite expensive, so I don't feel like making this just for myself would be worth it. Plus, even though I am not a vegetarian anymore (because I am a weak ass bitch), I try to keep eating meat and fish to a minimum, so today I decided to make a salad a bit similar to the poke bowl.

Ingrediences

  • 2 hands full of fresh spinach
  • 1/2 cucumber
  • 4 cherry tomatoes
  • 1 avocado
  • 1 shallot
  • 2 tbsp. of sesame
  • 2-3 tbsp. of soy sauce
  • 1 tbsp. of olive oil
  • pepper and chili to taste
  • optional: Nori leaves for garnishing
How to make the thing 

  1. Cut the spinach in stripes.
  2. Dice the cucumber, tomatoes, shallot and avocado.
  3. Put everything in a big bowl and add the oil, soysauce and sesame.
  4. Mix everything. 
  5. Season.
 Et voila. You can eat this as a normal salad but you could also put it in a wrap, on rice, on toast etc. if you're missing some carbs here. If you want to buy a house anytime soon you can, of course, skip the avocado as well. 

14.5.17

Excursion To Poetry #2 - Apr. 2015

I see how you look at me.
I see your look
that always brushes me when we meet
how it wanders up my body
inch by inch
until it rests on my face.

I see the way you look at me and I think
I know what that means:
desire.
Craving.
Wild emotions in a heart
that can rarely be wild,
if ever,
the heart of a person that seems as if
in regards of softness,
a lack of impulsivity
could compete with a rabbit:
for flight reasons, tops,
but fully unfit for the hunt.
And it's good as it is.

I enjoy that look way too much,
enjoying the attention,
enjoying feeling more than welcome,
as if you and I,
in this room full of people,
share a secret that was never has been told,
never spoken aloud,
that maybe doesn't exist at all.

I enjoy this feeling to be special,
a fobidden fruit,
a jewel displayed on a velvet pillow,
ready to be grabbed but surrounded by alarm systems.
Look, don't touch,
or your world will collapse on you.

It is good as it is,
that you are reserved,
because I enjoy it too much to tempt you,
being the emboyment of a fantasy
that mustn't come true
and, in the next moment,
blinking innocently,
wallowing in my own guilt.

I am torn between monster and moralizer,
and I am sure that if you were not you
we'd already boarded
the night train to the brink,
but I dream. I am allowed to dream.
My thouhts are free,
and I will think, dream,
as long as my conscience lets me.

Dreaming of fingers running through my hair,
touching nose tips,
only half open eyes,
only quiet, muffled breaths,
of the dawn,
just standing on the ledge a few more minutes
staring down, fascinated by not seeing the bottom of the pit,
dropping a pebble down from time to time
to estimate how far down it goes
before you hit the ground.

And then taking a respectful step back,
one step, two steps,
to safety where no one has to catch me,
until the echo of the pebble fades away
and I can finally sigh with relief
and then pretend nothing ever happend,
and that I never saw that look of yours.

7.5.17

Soulfood - Hangover fried rice



No, I am not actually hungover right now as I am writing down this recipe. What I am is drinking red wine late at night while watching the new season of Sense8 and it does get to my head a bit faster than expected (I am still at my first glass and I am a little dizzy already and I have no idea how that happened). Anyways, this dish is easy to make (great when you're not as capable as your fully sober well rested self), takes little time and is full of carbs aka great for soaking in that alcohol - and it tastes great, so here we go.

Ingrediences (for 1-2 servings)
  • 1 bag of rice (125g)
  • 1 medium shallot
  • 2 gloves of garlic
  • 1 big or 2 medium champignons
  • 2 hands full of fresh spinach
  • 2-3 tbsps of olive oil
  • 2-3 tbsps of soy sauce
  • 50g sesame
  • 1 egg
  • pepper, chili
  • 1-2 spring onions
How to cook the thing

  1. Cook the rice. 
  2. Cut the garlic, the shallot and the champignon and stir-fry them on high heat in a pan with the olive oil. When they start to get brown, add the spinach. 
  3. Mix the soy sauce and the sesame and add them to the pan. 
  4. At this point, your rice should be all cooked. Add it to the pan and mix everything in there before adding the spices and the egg. 
  5. Put it in a bowl and sprinkle it with spring onion. 
Tonight, I garnished my bowl with a bit of avocado and a leftover mini schnitzel, you could also add salmon, literally any meat, shrimps, or to keep it vegetarian carrots or cheese. Or, if you're not in the mood for this fancy shit, leave it as it is, I am not the boss of you.

2.5.17

Soulfood - Sweetpotato Stew



As I might have mentioned in my very own so very subtle way I am really bloody stressed lately. My written final exam is next week, I have to work a lot, and to be very honest, job hunting isn't going great (and to be absolutely honest it is going like shit, so bear with my whining on that topic).
The only thing that is keeping me going is food. Really delicious, wholesome food. And cooking said food. Those of you who have been on my Instagram already know that I really love to cook and I thought since maybe some of you are having a hard time as well, I might share some recipes for the dishes that keep me running somehow and calm me down after a hard day - so here is the first one.

Ingrediences (for 3 servings)
  • 2 big sweet potatoes
  • half of a big zucchini
  • 3-4 medium champignons 
  • ca. 80 g of sesame
  • ca. 100 ml red wine
  • 2 shallots
  • 2 gloves of garlic
  • 2-3 hands of fresh spinach
  • 1 can of diced tomatoes
  • ca. 80 g butter
  • salt, pepper, chili, nutmeg 
How to cook the thing 

  1. Cut the sweet potatoes, the zucchini, the champignons, the shallots and the garlic into dices.
  2. Melt the butter in a big pot.
  3. Add the sesame and the vegetables and fry everything for a few minutes.
  4. Add the tomatoes, the wine and the spinach. 
  5. Add the spices to taste and let everything boil until the potatoes are soft enough to be picked up with a fork. 
And that's it. It's really easy, takes about 15 minutes to make and warms your heart and your belly after a rough day. I like to garnish the bowl with grated cheese, a fried egg, fried onions and/or a few slices of avocado. This dish is also very versatile,  you could add or change one of the vegetables mentioned above with celery, asparagus or leeks, for example. Change the butter for olive oil and use vegan wine and you have an A+ vegan stew. You see, the possibilities are endless!

1.5.17

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 - Review



Ooga chaka ooga chaka ooga chaka I CAN'T STOP THIS FEELING that there is a new Guardians of the Galaxy movie and it's really awesome again!
That's it. That's the review. Peace out.
No, of course not, I do have to go in detail with all the gushing I have to do for this movie.
First of all, I want you all to know that when it comes to Marvel (or DC, for that matter), I am not a big comic reader. All those endless series is a bit too much for me to be honest. Don't hate me for that.
Accordingly, as in 2014 when I went to see the first Guardians of the Galaxy, I had really no idea what the second one would be about either, other than a group of... people? In space? The trailers are really vague about that. What it is about is that Peter Quill aka Star-Lord finally meets his dad. In the first movie we already learned that Peters father is not human. Instead, he turns out to be a celestial being with, apparently, unlimited godly powers. However, Gamora remains sceptical about him when Peters father takes her, Peter and Drax with him on his home planet. Might be due to his name, Ego, which does sound like you should stay woke around him, I'll give her that. With Ego is Mantis, a girl with feelers who can sense and, to a certain degree, change someones emotions by touching them. She is very sweet, naive and shy - and accidently reveals Peters love for Gamora in public which is a problem due to the "unspoken thing" between them. 
The second plot line is the Sovereign, a golden perfectionist race, chasing the Guardians of the Galaxy all through space because Rocket stole some batteries that they originally were hired to protect from a giant monster.
And last but not least there is Yondu standing against all Ravagers since he did not fulfill the codex and his own crew wants him gone since they think he's become "soft". With the help of Rocket and Groot, Yondu escapes and starts a new life helping the Guardians.
Admittedly, it is hard to summarize the plot without spoilers (I hope I did well) since there are a lot of puzzle pieces scattered all over the place but I promise you that all those pieces come together perfectly when you watch the whole movie.
Once again I am really in love with all the characters. While with the Avengers, I have favourites and characters I don't like that much, I couldn't do that with the Guardians of the Galaxy. The characters are so well-written, threedimensional and loveable, asking me who was my favourite would be like asking me which one of my children I love most. Within the movie, each one of them has a good amount of character developement going on, it is not much but the perfect amount to still have a proper plot and multiple very awesome fighting scenes. The new characters (Ego and Mantis) follow that direction perfectly.
I have one little bit of criticism for Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, but that's really complaining about first world problems: This movie, as the second one, lives from the amazing soundtrack, the Awesome Mix Vol. 1 is iconic by now. While Awesome Mix Vol. 2 is really cool too, it is, in comparison, a bit forgettable. I am missing a signature song or two, but that's it. That's all I can say about this movie (negatively). Other than that, it is another must see for everyone who enjoys space, aliens, talking raccoons and trees (baby Groot is the cutest) and a humorous Marvel masterpiece.

22.4.17

Excursion To Poetry #1 - Jan. 2015

I think I love you.
You dance through the world on your tiptoes,
fleet-fooded, lighthearted, free,
like a dandelion seed.
I admire the child-like lightness you live your life with,
admire how underneath the facade of a young man,
a grown man,
there's always the little boy glacing from behind the curtain,
mischievously grinning,
winking,
laughing out loud
before running back into the forrest
to climb trees
build forts
play cops and robbers.
It seems like I could never stop
to count the invisible freckles in your face
the tiny metaphors of your boyishness
that aren't really there.

I think I love you.
Your words sound like those of an old man
wise
well-read
versed
but mentally and physically
alert and
firing on all cylinders.
When you tell of your wars
your revolutions
your politics
as if you lived through all of it
I'd love to sit in your lap
and listen
with wide eyes
fascinated by your stories
as if I'd never heard them before.
I didn't.
Not with that buzz, that passion
that you tell them with.
You fascinate me with your multifacetedness
and with your thousand faces.
Young and old and timeless.
Happy and sad all at once.
Weak and strong.

 I don't understand you
and reading you, like others can,
is impossible to me.
I think I love you.
Life feels so easy with you.
With you, life feels
like an endless summer
like making a night of it
like rainy sundays spent half-naked with a cup of tea in bed
like pizza with infinite cheese
like Come On Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners
like dancing in the summer rain
like a glass of red wine while taking a bath
like endless holidays, forever
like a perfectly sweetened cup of hot chocolate
like Hooked On A Feeling by Blue Swede
and like Come And Get Your Love by Redbone.

I think I love you.
It's a strange kind of love.
I don't know if I want to be with you
and I know even less how you feel about it.
I only know that I want to have you here with me
my head on your lap
your hand playing with my hair
and your lips on mine
from time to time.

If you don't want me
it's not going to fret me
and it wouldn't change my feelings for you
because my love for you is independent
of your reciprocation
and from my validation.
I only want you to know
how special you are to me.
I want you to know
that you are loved.
I want you to know
that you are marvelous.
Yes.
I think I love you. 

6.4.17

So it's been quiet.

People who remember my awkward trys as a YouTube person will also remember how this is a sentence I say a lot, (I should definitely stop to remind people that I tried to be a YouTube Person) as will people who follow my art page on Facebook. Me not having any continuity with my social media content output is a classic, really. That is mostly due to me having creative output in general in phases, no matter what it is what I do, drawing, writing, (ugh) making awkward videos etc., it doesn't matter. The other reason for this is me getting too caught up in life, I still do have a fulltime job, so far still with school going on next to that and, of course, a social life to keep up with. While other content creators seem to juggle all this very vell and still create every week or even daily, I am horrioble at even attempting this. However, I decided I will not apologize for silence anymore.

Here's the thing: Given that I am creative in phases, I have the choice between posting content I stand behind very irregularly, or posting stuff I am not entirely happy with regularly. We all know which of those is the more favourable choice for me and for the people who are interested in my content.

In detail, this time, I simply didn't have much to write about. Sure, there is a lot going on in my life right now, but nothing that would justify a single, long blog post. And even if there was, there are specific reasons I don't do it.
For example, a few weeks ago I had the court appointment following that thing I posted about in December (TW sexual abuse). To state the short version: It was horrible, I am not okay after this, but I know that I will be. Also, the sentence is 5,5 years. Yes, there is a lot more to talk about in detail, but I prefer to do so privately, since I don't want my blog to be about that every other month. I don't want my life to be about this every other month. I don't want to make that my topic and I am afraid if I posted more than this one post, it might stain this blog and me to be honest.
Then there's, well, life. I'll have my written final exam in May, my oral exam in June, so I have to study now, and more importantly, I have to find a new job because right the second they'll tell me that I've passed my oral exam and I am a fully-trained bookseller now - I am unemployed. Since I am planning to go back to my hometown, I not only have to find a new job but also have to cancel all sorts of contracts here, organize everything, so it's a lot to do, but not a lot to actually write about.
After telling those two things, it will be no surprise to anyone to hear that I did not read too much lately, didn't go to the movies often or enjoyed anything that I could review on here. I do read, I do watch movies etc., but not really for review - just for me. Yes, there is a huge difference between consuming media for your own enjoyment or doing it for review purposes.

So far, so well. However, at this point I want to share two YouTube videos with you, dear reader, that found the way into my heart this week.
First of all, there's "Foundation" by my all-time-favourite muse Liam Dryden. Liam has been very quiet as well on YouTube for a while now - and then he uploaded this. I don't feel like it is my place to talk about the adressed event because it has nothing to do with me (as in, I am not directly effected in any way nor involved) and Liam did "offer" an explanaitory video on his Twitter so let's wait for that instead because all I know is more or less rumors, I don't know which of those are true and which ones aren't and thus will keep my mouth shut. However, regardless of wether you know what this is about, it is a beautifully worded poem about a feeling I think a lot of us can relate to. I am very glad Liam made this honest thing.
The other one is "Comfort food", a short film by Sam Saffold, which might be one of the most beautiful pieces of art that anyone ever made about love just being love with all its ups and downs. Also, it's got food and books, so of course I'm hooked!

Definitely check out those videos while I'll hit the books again - and hopefully don't write my next review about my textbook.