Free fall

 You know

how all my life, I’ve been afraid of falling

stunned by the image

of my shattered body on the ground

so afraid that I refused to jump

if not absolutely inevitable

and when you asked me to jump

you promised I could trust you

promised you would break my fall

would catch me

would make sure I would not get hurt

convinced me that it wasn’t even that deep

and then

when I finally believed you

believed I would certainly survive

finally gathered all my courage 

closed my eyes and leaped

you were scared of the weight that came with it

the weight of me

despite me giving you the numbers

and you stepped aside in the last moment

and when I saw the ground coming closer and closer

I realized once more 

why I never jumped before

Time and again

Time and again

breaks for silence

who would have thought that quiet can be so loud

who would have thought that seconds can be so painful

even more so when they accumulate

you say you like me

don‘t believe it

a bit because I can so rarely even really stand myself

a bit because you say it but I can only vaguely see your doing

this soft glow is hard to make out in the dark

and seems like nothing

when I am ablaze next to you

tell me

are you burning just as bright as me?

Are you burning up from the heat inside of you?

Or is it more, like

a bit of warmth

just what is needed

when all else is cold

Do you desire me?

I always desire you

constantly, really

every second I can‘t touch you

feels like a waste of time

how will it be when we meet?

Will you finally burn

for me

as much as I do for you?

You slow me down

and smother me time and again

but this is magnesium, baby

you can not smother me

only make it harder

to endure the burning

are you burning just as bright as me?

Can I only not see your fire because we are both ablaze?

Take your broken heart, make it into art

If you had a dollar for every time I said this

for every time I quoted Carrie Fisher

you‘d be a millionaire.

If I had a dollar for every time

you brought up this dollar thing

I‘d be a billionaire.

We just easily fell into place

with our quirks and

our scars

and

I lifted you up

when you grounded me

I kicked your ass to do things

when you made me chill the fuck out

for once in my goddamn life

and

now I am afloat.

Hundreds of feet above the ground

a balloon in the night sky

being nudged further away by the wind

Slowly drifting away

Its calm up here

Quiet

Not a sound between the stars

And cold

Freezing

And I wonder how I ever breathed

and did I ever need to, really?

I lost my ground

casting off

anchor gone

And I am scared

and yet a weight was lifted

but still scared of what‘s ahead

and scared ‚cause I‘m not burning

(why am I not burning)

Why do I feel so calm

and so cold

And nothing feels real anymore

I‘m just floating higher

and higher

(They say sky is the limit but

they didn‘t account for the infinity of space)

and forget that I have ever breathed

or moved

or felt

crystals on my face

that used to be tears

as I drift away

so much faster than I thought

Into emptiness

Take your broken heart

make it into art

but right now

art feels shallow

How can I make it art

when my heart has

yet to be shattered by the ice

Making art is just a habit

but how can I express what I feel

when I can‘t feel anything?

I am just floating off

it's so easy to fly when you weigh nothing

‚cause you‘re empty

Staring into space

and space stares back

as we become one

calm

and

cold

and

infinite nothing

and it will feel like peace

until I finally

implode

One of the good guys

Meeting you is like finding a unicorn. „What are we even discussing here?“ you keep asking when I try to explain my world to you and you realize we live in the same one. I don’t have to show you my opinions and principles with arguments, you already did the thinking and came to the same conclusions. „We are only discussing to give each other a bit of an echo“, you say. So I stop discussing and start accepting that I don’t have to teach you the basics of my morality because, hey: You are one of the good guys.

The fact that my morality is so adamant is based on dozens before you hurting it, hurting me, harming me, all my life because the basics weren’t clear, and I trust that this won’t happen with you, a bit more every day. But this trust is shaky, full of doubt because people lie, all the time, we are great at deluding each other and ourselves, and that’s why I need time. That hurts you. That disappoints you. Why do I need that long to give you my trust? After all, you are one of the good guys!

So I don’t explain the basics to you but the details, the application of the rules, we all know it from back in school, you already know how it works, now finally do it. You really know the theory, you keep telling me that I can trust you, that you are not like the other guys, that you want me to feel good around you, so many pretty words, and then you fail with the practice, hurt me, overstep my boundaries, rip open old wounds from previous battles all over again, and I keep trying to remember with all my willpower: You are one of the good guys and you would never hurt me.

And because you are one of the good guys I only notice the little stings with the knife when they turn into real cuts and threaten to let me bleed out. But I do notice them. And I warn you. Keep warning you, “You hurt me! You are harming me!” Because you are one of the good guys and you want me to feel good around you and if you need my hints for that you would never hurt me! You just don’t know what you are doing! You are one of the good guys after all!

But you’re not listening to my hints. Try to convince me that I am actually not really bleeding. That it’s not a knife in your hand but a feather that is gently caressing me instead of cutting me up. For a moment I am starting to doubt myself because it fits way better with you actually being one of the good guys, but the cuts and the pain and the blood, I am not making that up, even if decide to not see them. So I growl so you finally start taking me seriously, and you are angry about that because obviously, I am wronging you. How can I growl at you when you don’t actually want to do me any harm? So you push me further into a corner, and it’s narrow, and by now you keep cutting deeper and deeper, again and again, before I finally snap and, out of desperation, bite.

Panting you back off, and now you finally see the cuts too. Feel the weight of the knife in your hand. And you are shocked. What is this damn knife doing in YOUR hand? Why would you have a knife? You would never hurt me, you are one of the good guys!

In the next few months, you will tell yourself and others that I cut myself and blamed you for it because you held the knife. I kept running into it, it was not your fault, and when you just wanted to put the knife away I simply left. You never wanted to hurt me, you are one of the good guys, if only I had given you more chances, if only I had explained to you for a twentieth time how you are hurting me, whatever you need to tell yourself to still be able to believe yourself the good guy. Because as long as you keep telling yourself that vehemently enough, tell it to yourself and everyone around you, as long you are going to be a good guy and won’t have to face the uncomfortable truth that those who are actually the good guys are working on themselves for that. Because those who are actually the good guys don’t have to tell it. They simply have to show it with their actions too.

Dear monogamous people - we need to talk!

As a polyamorous person, I have to say: Monogamous people frustrate the hell out of me.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely respect monogamous folks, I understand the wish to be exclusive and would never try to forcefully "convert" anyone. I understand that polyamory is not for everyone, and I understand why. You are all valid as heck.
What I don't understand is the expectations they put on me as a polyamorous person. I am not even talking about a lot of folks thinking that "for the right person" I would ditch my polyamory and become monogamous again. On that note, my loves, I just believe that there is not one person that's right for me, I believe there are many, because there are so many awesome people in this world that are each in their own way special and right and sometimes even in ways that contradict so much that there could never be a single person combining all of them in themselves. Accordingly, in general, I believe that the expectation towards oneself to be somehow perfect enough to sustain a partner's social needs all on your own is absolutely fucking toxic. Give yourself (and others) some rest.
It's also not the fact that I have been rejected for being polyamorous. As I said, it is not for everyone, and if my polyamory is a deal-breaker for you as is your monogamy for me, that is fair and valid, guess we are not meant to be. It is basically the same thing as if a man I was into told me he is gay. Sometimes, our needs and preferences just don't match. That's sad, and it doesn't mean it won't hurt, but shit happens. That's life for you.
But what completely frustrates me is the notion that our ways to have relationships differ so widely that whatever advice I share with you for whatever situation in your life just doesn't apply.
The basis for my relationship concept is the non-exclusivity, and that's already the biggest difference here. Otherwise, I could live my relationships exactly like your basic monogamous relationship, just more of them. But that's not what I do. My polycule and I live the concept of relationship anarchy.
Relationship anarchy is the idea that whatever social bonds you form are "negotiated" from scratch based on the wishes and needs of the individuals involved. That doesn't only go for romantic relationships but friendships, family, etc. as well. Throw all societal expectations overboard and discuss what we actually want of each other and try to meet on a ground where everyone involved is comfortable. Yes, that is a lot of work, but it is worth it, believe me. At this point, shout out to my wonderful partner who introduced me to this concept and thus gave me something I have basically been looking for all my life without knowing it.
The great thing is that relationship anarchy can also be applied to monogamy because it is also about boundaries. One of the needs could be the need for exclusivity, and that is also valid.
The biggest key for this to work though is absolute honesty. It is the rough emotional labour of a) reflecting on your own feelings, finding out what bothers you and why, and be honest towards yourself about how you can deal with this and b) talking about your feelings with the people involved. I get that this is scary and exhausting but I promise that it will make you happier than bottling everything up and hope that change happens magically. And truth be told, the notion that communication and honesty are key for a relationship to work out is not new to me, it is something I have been advocating for all my life, in all my monogamous relationships that I had before I started living polyamorously. The only difference now is that I have a polycule that is not letting me get away with bullshitting myself, and I am incredibly grateful for that because it also helps me to understand myself a lot better. In the past ten months, I have learned more about myself, how my mind works, why some things affect me the way they do, etc. than in the 24 years of my life before that.
However, for some reason, ever since I started living polyamorously, monogamous people seem wary about this advice: Please just fucking talk to each other. Suddenly, it seems to be an incredibly unconventional concept even though it's probably the number one advice given in every bloody "Ask [insert name here]" section in newspapers, magazines, tv shows, etc. for decades. Because it is coming from me. Somehow, people seem to feel the need to distance themselves from my way to live relationships as far as possible, and I sense that there is a certain unconscious idea of me doing something perverted here in the way I live my life that they would never, ever do and accordingly, my advice can't possibly apply to them, and even every attempt of mine to be my honest self with them is read as an attempt to somehow convince them that polyamory is the one and only true way to be. I do not mind if you are monogamous, but why do you refuse to address issues openly as a first step towards having them solved so adamantly only to then be mad at me because unlike you, I do exactly that and also be mad because I somehow can still not read anyones mind? I can only solve problems I know about, and because I am a peace-loving person I will happily do my best to do so, but first I need to know that a) there is a problem and b) what it is. But even when I ask people, I often will rather get a lie of "no, everything is fine" instead of an honest answer, and I am so, so sick of doing that emotional labour just to be abandoned in the end for not knowing what someone needs from me. And that hurts. And with that, I am not even only speaking of romantic relationships but friendships, family matters, colleagues as well.
Dear monogamous people, please try to listen to what I am actually saying instead of assuming that as soon as I talk about my polyamory or take experiences from it to apply them to my everyday life I want to force you into living this as well. It reminds me of the whole idea that LGBT+ folks want to make everyone around them gay, and honestly, that is not a good look on you.
In return, I promise, I will also listen to your advice rather than thinking you want to see me be exclusive. Because I still think we are not so different. Only different amounts.

Going Polyam

 I have known for years that I am polyamorous.
Means, I have known for years that I can love several people simultaneously, and I while I have struggled with that for a while (because we always get taught that love has to be exclusive), it has also been years that I was very interested in actually living polyamorously as well - meaning, I liked the idea to have more than one relationship at the same time, my partners having more than one relationship as well and so on.

I can hereby happily inform you that I am now living polyamorously.
Some of you may remember me blogging about my engagement, my upcoming wedding, my fiance and how we started out our relationship - as an agreement for me to try being in a monogamous relationship with him because he was worth it to me. An experiment.
I think it is natural when planning a wedding to have some doubts and starting to question everything. After all, it is a promise to spend the rest of your lives together, even with the possibility to not do that and have a divorce if it doesn't work out, that still means you are at the very least in for the stress that comes with that. Either way, it is a huge commitment, and it should better be with the right person.

I think I started having doubts way earlier than I would want to admit to myself, and being me, I dealt with that by overcompensating. After all, I know myself well enough to know that I am very likely to sabotage pretty much everything I have going well for me. So my initial thought was clear: "This will blow over, you are just nervous". So instead of thinking about my feelings and talking to my partner about them (you know, the thing I keep telling others to do), I started working extra hard on preparing the wedding.

Fast forward to my birthday in November. I spent my birthday weekend in London meeting my discord family in real life for the first time and I had an amazing time. And then, when Sunday came and I was on my way back to Germany, I did not only realize that I did not want to leave (which, to be fair, is pretty normal for me), I noticed myself daydreaming about a life in the UK - and those daydreams did not involve my fiance.

I spent the next days having a particularly hard look at my relationship and on myself. Long story short - I was not happy anymore. And it was worse than expected: I wasn't only happy anymore because of the monogamous nature of our relationship - I just was not happy anymore in general, and I did not want to continue this relationship, even if my fiance had magically agreed to open our relationship up (which was definitely not happening).

Breaking up engagement is a lot harder than breaking up a normal relationship. Not only because you are living together and one of you has to move out, not only because you have to cancel so many things and it will potentially cost you a lot of money, but because the questions are breaking you.
I still think I have made the right decision. I am about to move out, I will start a new job in March to actually be able to survive on my own financially, and it feels like breaking free. My fiance is an amazing person who handled this break up with such strength for the both of us, so much fairness and peace and understanding, and I am very sure he will be the best person for someone else - he just isn't for me. At least not as a fiance, and eventually husband. I think we will do way better as friends (and co-owners of our beautiful dog).

At some point along that way, I fell in love with Nat. Nat is also a member of my discord family, and I knew they existed but then there was the London weekend and I got to fully know them. Technically, it hit me like a brick, and I had a massive crush on them. We started to talk a lot more regularly, got to know each other very well pretty quickly, got super close. And then there was Jay. Jay is also a member of the discord, and we have been friends for quite a while. They developed a crush on them as well and they and their partner opened their relationship. So Jay and I are both Nat's partners. I don't really know how exactly that happened but I am so so glad it did because now I get to experience polyamory, a thing I wanted to try for ages.

Obviously, being polyam is not necessarily easier than monogamous relationships. It is just difficult in a different way. A big part of what we have to figure out is how to communicate what we need with each other, what we are able and willing to give, what we are comfortable with, how we work as people and thus how to read each other - just like in every monogamous relationship. The big difference is that this time, it includes and effects more than two people, which makes it harder. On the other hand we have to unlearn a lot of what we like to call toxic monogamy - the idea that there is any kind of hierarchy between multiple partners or even other relationships like friendships or family, that there is any sort of priority and if there isn't, there's a problem, the idea that you are entitled to have your partners full attention at all times, the idea that there is any competition going on. To be honest, when I started this, I was very scared that I would turn out to be a massive fraud and would be very jealous as soon as my partner sleeping with other people would become an actual reality. I can gladly confirm: Nope, I really do not mind, as long as they are comfortable with me doing the same. I have a way bigger problem personally to unlearn monogamy, all the points mentioned above are a bit hard on me. Another thing that doesn't exactly make it easier is that every pairing in our polycule is a long distance relationship, so most of our communication works via texts and phone calls, which makes it harder to build intimacy. And yet, both Nat and Jay are doing such a great job catching me when I feel insecure or left out or anxious about anything, it's amazing! This might be the hardest relationship I have ever had, its so much effort and it is hard to be honest with myself and them about my feelings but it is so worth it because both of them are putting in just as much work and we are all willing to do the work this takes to make everyone as comfortable as possible.

A big part of why this makes me so happy is also that I feel like I am finally living my best queer life. I have identified as queer for the past 6 years, and yet so far, I have exclusively dated cis men. Now I am the only cis person in my polycule (everyone else is non-binary) and it's such a new experience. This plus the fact that we are polyamorous takes a lot of pressure off me, I feel like for the first time I don't have to walk on eggshells so much being worried to either emasculate my partner or them becoming jealous as soon as I am close with or attracted to anyone, and that is a great feeling. I feel very free.

I also feel very cared about - I have the incredible luck to have a partner and a friend who are both very sensitive for my bullshit and I they manage to reassure me, tell me they love me, appreciate me exactly when I need it, may it be when I have a thing going on in my own life or have an issue that we as a polycule have to discuss. They both manage to make me feel very good about myself, which is hard with all my self worth issues.
What can I say? I am very optimistic about this going well. I think I have found a way to do relationships that works really well for me. And I love my polycule and especially my partner very very much.

Excursion To Poetry #5 - Untitled

And boom, there you are.

All of a sudden,

as if you had always been there,

as if it was no big deal.

Boom, here you are.

And we click,

as if it was the most natural thing in the world,

as if we hadn‘t been doing anything else our entire lives.

All of a sudden,

you are here,

and I can say all the things that have wandered my mind for eternity,

say them out loud and even before you respond,

I know that you understand me.

We share a language all on our own,

even though I have to google every second word because we don‘t,

and yet you still always get what I am trying to say.

You are miles away and yet I feel at home just hearing your voice.

I should feel bad for all of this.

I should not feel that way for another person.

And I feel like all of this should blow over soon,

like I should get it out of my system

and then go back to normal.

I don‘t want this to end.

I want to spend the rest of my life staying up all night on the phone.

Or better, up all night on your side.

But I gave this promise to someone else already.

And I don‘t want this to end either.

So I spend my nights talking

happier than I have been in ages

hiding away my bitterness

about this having to end at some point.

Because I am not that kind of person.

I don‘t want this to end.

So I live in the moment

until it does.

Love Letter to the Discord Family or Why everyone should have a solid support group

On March 6th 2018 I joined the Discord server "ThistleFly" and I think this day may have changed my life a bit.
This server is Liam Dryden's server, the internet dad whose content I have enjoyed for ages. You might think, ok, that is a fan group, and in a sense, I guess that's true. But mostly, it is just an amazing community with a lot of very wholesome people taking care of each other.

When I joined this server I was in a not so good place mentally: I had only two weeks left in a job that I had quit because even though it paid me well and apparently I was good at it, it did not make me happy, and despite my efforts I hadn't found a new job yet that would at the same time secure me a living and make me be happier. And I use the word "happier" on purpose because "actually happy" was off the table, given that happiness for me still is to be found in a field where propper jobs are very rare. So I felt a bit shitty about myself and everything.

Now there were all these new people and I didn't really know anyone yet, which usually is a situation I don't do too well in, especially when I am having a rough time. Gladly, I didn't need to - because all of them were incredibly welcoming to begin with, as if we'd known each other for years.
Off to a great start, I quickly became comfortable enough to share my worries, and without second question, people would catch me. I can't really put it much differently, because this is exactly how I felt: Caught when falling. By people who didn't even know me. I felt secure with those people ever since.

Of course a big part of this is down to Liam: The rules he set up are all designed to have a respectful, friendly basis with each other, and the people he made mods are incredibly good at enforcing those rules. However, it is very rarely that they even have to bring the rules up or even kick someone - those people are just respectful and friendly to begin with.

Now I have this great bunch who have my back, who I can talk to about everything, may it be negging about stuff I am angry or sad about, may it be my period, literally everything. I can post my art there or my blogposts or selfies and there's always someone to tell me I am good and encourage me to continue what I do. There's people reminding me to hydrate, telling me that I should be asleep right now, telling me my feelings are valid and that it's ok to feel like I feel even if how I feel may not be good or happy at that point. They are taking care of me. And I am taking care of them. We keep holding each other up and I think this is beautiful.

Honestly, I have never felt so loved and seen ever in my life before. Of course, I have friends and my family and my fiance and I would not want to weigh them up against the people in the Discord. But the big difference is that due to timezones, there's always someone up, and due to the sheer number of people there's always someone who is up for the task in that moment. And that is something I truly wouldn't want to do without again ever.
Dear Discord Family, I love you so so much. Thank you for being there.

Excursion To Poetry #2 - Apr. 2015

I see how you look at me.
I see your look
that always brushes me when we meet
how it wanders up my body
inch by inch
until it rests on my face.

I see the way you look at me and I think
I know what that means:
desire.
Craving.
Wild emotions in a heart
that can rarely be wild,
if ever,
the heart of a person that seems as if
in regards of softness,
a lack of impulsivity
could compete with a rabbit:
for flight reasons, tops,
but fully unfit for the hunt.
And it's good as it is.

I enjoy that look way too much,
enjoying the attention,
enjoying feeling more than welcome,
as if you and I,
in this room full of people,
share a secret that was never has been told,
never spoken aloud,
that maybe doesn't exist at all.

I enjoy this feeling to be special,
a fobidden fruit,
a jewel displayed on a velvet pillow,
ready to be grabbed but surrounded by alarm systems.
Look, don't touch,
or your world will collapse on you.

It is good as it is,
that you are reserved,
because I enjoy it too much to tempt you,
being the emboyment of a fantasy
that mustn't come true
and, in the next moment,
blinking innocently,
wallowing in my own guilt.

I am torn between monster and moralizer,
and I am sure that if you were not you
we'd already boarded
the night train to the brink,
but I dream. I am allowed to dream.
My thouhts are free,
and I will think, dream,
as long as my conscience lets me.

Dreaming of fingers running through my hair,
touching nose tips,
only half open eyes,
only quiet, muffled breaths,
of the dawn,
just standing on the ledge a few more minutes
staring down, fascinated by not seeing the bottom of the pit,
dropping a pebble down from time to time
to estimate how far down it goes
before you hit the ground.

And then taking a respectful step back,
one step, two steps,
to safety where no one has to catch me,
until the echo of the pebble fades away
and I can finally sigh with relief
and then pretend nothing ever happend,
and that I never saw that look of yours.

Excursion To Poetry #1 - Jan. 2015

I think I love you.
You dance through the world on your tiptoes,
fleet-fooded, lighthearted, free,
like a dandelion seed.
I admire the child-like lightness you live your life with,
admire how underneath the facade of a young man,
a grown man,
there's always the little boy glacing from behind the curtain,
mischievously grinning,
winking,
laughing out loud
before running back into the forrest
to climb trees
build forts
play cops and robbers.
It seems like I could never stop
to count the invisible freckles in your face
the tiny metaphors of your boyishness
that aren't really there.

I think I love you.
Your words sound like those of an old man
wise
well-read
versed
but mentally and physically
alert and
firing on all cylinders.
When you tell of your wars
your revolutions
your politics
as if you lived through all of it
I'd love to sit in your lap
and listen
with wide eyes
fascinated by your stories
as if I'd never heard them before.
I didn't.
Not with that buzz, that passion
that you tell them with.
You fascinate me with your multifacetedness
and with your thousand faces.
Young and old and timeless.
Happy and sad all at once.
Weak and strong.

 I don't understand you
and reading you, like others can,
is impossible to me.
I think I love you.
Life feels so easy with you.
With you, life feels
like an endless summer
like making a night of it
like rainy sundays spent half-naked with a cup of tea in bed
like pizza with infinite cheese
like Come On Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners
like dancing in the summer rain
like a glass of red wine while taking a bath
like endless holidays, forever
like a perfectly sweetened cup of hot chocolate
like Hooked On A Feeling by Blue Swede
and like Come And Get Your Love by Redbone.

I think I love you.
It's a strange kind of love.
I don't know if I want to be with you
and I know even less how you feel about it.
I only know that I want to have you here with me
my head on your lap
your hand playing with my hair
and your lips on mine
from time to time.

If you don't want me
it's not going to fret me
and it wouldn't change my feelings for you
because my love for you is independent
of your reciprocation
and from my validation.
I only want you to know
how special you are to me.
I want you to know
that you are loved.
I want you to know
that you are marvelous.
Yes.
I think I love you.