Dear monogamous people - we need to talk!

As a polyamorous person, I have to say: Monogamous people frustrate the hell out of me.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely respect monogamous folks, I understand the wish to be exclusive and would never try to forcefully "convert" anyone. I understand that polyamory is not for everyone, and I understand why. You are all valid as heck.
What I don't understand is the expectations they put on me as a polyamorous person. I am not even talking about a lot of folks thinking that "for the right person" I would ditch my polyamory and become monogamous again. On that note, my loves, I just believe that there is not one person that's right for me, I believe there are many, because there are so many awesome people in this world that are each in their own way special and right and sometimes even in ways that contradict so much that there could never be a single person combining all of them in themselves. Accordingly, in general, I believe that the expectation towards oneself to be somehow perfect enough to sustain a partner's social needs all on your own is absolutely fucking toxic. Give yourself (and others) some rest.
It's also not the fact that I have been rejected for being polyamorous. As I said, it is not for everyone, and if my polyamory is a deal-breaker for you as is your monogamy for me, that is fair and valid, guess we are not meant to be. It is basically the same thing as if a man I was into told me he is gay. Sometimes, our needs and preferences just don't match. That's sad, and it doesn't mean it won't hurt, but shit happens. That's life for you.
But what completely frustrates me is the notion that our ways to have relationships differ so widely that whatever advice I share with you for whatever situation in your life just doesn't apply.
The basis for my relationship concept is the non-exclusivity, and that's already the biggest difference here. Otherwise, I could live my relationships exactly like your basic monogamous relationship, just more of them. But that's not what I do. My polycule and I live the concept of relationship anarchy.
Relationship anarchy is the idea that whatever social bonds you form are "negotiated" from scratch based on the wishes and needs of the individuals involved. That doesn't only go for romantic relationships but friendships, family, etc. as well. Throw all societal expectations overboard and discuss what we actually want of each other and try to meet on a ground where everyone involved is comfortable. Yes, that is a lot of work, but it is worth it, believe me. At this point, shout out to my wonderful partner who introduced me to this concept and thus gave me something I have basically been looking for all my life without knowing it.
The great thing is that relationship anarchy can also be applied to monogamy because it is also about boundaries. One of the needs could be the need for exclusivity, and that is also valid.
The biggest key for this to work though is absolute honesty. It is the rough emotional labour of a) reflecting on your own feelings, finding out what bothers you and why, and be honest towards yourself about how you can deal with this and b) talking about your feelings with the people involved. I get that this is scary and exhausting but I promise that it will make you happier than bottling everything up and hope that change happens magically. And truth be told, the notion that communication and honesty are key for a relationship to work out is not new to me, it is something I have been advocating for all my life, in all my monogamous relationships that I had before I started living polyamorously. The only difference now is that I have a polycule that is not letting me get away with bullshitting myself, and I am incredibly grateful for that because it also helps me to understand myself a lot better. In the past ten months, I have learned more about myself, how my mind works, why some things affect me the way they do, etc. than in the 24 years of my life before that.
However, for some reason, ever since I started living polyamorously, monogamous people seem wary about this advice: Please just fucking talk to each other. Suddenly, it seems to be an incredibly unconventional concept even though it's probably the number one advice given in every bloody "Ask [insert name here]" section in newspapers, magazines, tv shows, etc. for decades. Because it is coming from me. Somehow, people seem to feel the need to distance themselves from my way to live relationships as far as possible, and I sense that there is a certain unconscious idea of me doing something perverted here in the way I live my life that they would never, ever do and accordingly, my advice can't possibly apply to them, and even every attempt of mine to be my honest self with them is read as an attempt to somehow convince them that polyamory is the one and only true way to be. I do not mind if you are monogamous, but why do you refuse to address issues openly as a first step towards having them solved so adamantly only to then be mad at me because unlike you, I do exactly that and also be mad because I somehow can still not read anyones mind? I can only solve problems I know about, and because I am a peace-loving person I will happily do my best to do so, but first I need to know that a) there is a problem and b) what it is. But even when I ask people, I often will rather get a lie of "no, everything is fine" instead of an honest answer, and I am so, so sick of doing that emotional labour just to be abandoned in the end for not knowing what someone needs from me. And that hurts. And with that, I am not even only speaking of romantic relationships but friendships, family matters, colleagues as well.
Dear monogamous people, please try to listen to what I am actually saying instead of assuming that as soon as I talk about my polyamory or take experiences from it to apply them to my everyday life I want to force you into living this as well. It reminds me of the whole idea that LGBT+ folks want to make everyone around them gay, and honestly, that is not a good look on you.
In return, I promise, I will also listen to your advice rather than thinking you want to see me be exclusive. Because I still think we are not so different. Only different amounts.

"Nicotine" by Nell Zink - Review

First of all, I want to say that "Nicotine" was not an easy read. It took me about 10 weeks to finish it. To be completely honest with you, I still don't know what exactly to think of it, because it was very strange. It was not exactly good in a classic sense, not the kind of book you just want to celebrate, but that doesn't mean it was bad either. Not at all! But I'm getting ahead of myself, let's try to give you a summary of what it is about first.

Penny Bakers life has never been normal or ordinary: Her father, a cult leader of sorts, married her mother, who's younger than his oldest son, after originally adopting her (yes, that does have a very Woody Allen vibe to it, you are not the only one thinking that). Penny used to rebell against her family by being the more conventional one until her father dies and with him the rental contract for the flat she lives in. Since she is unemployed this makes her face the problem of eventually becoming homeless as well. When she visits her grandparents house that is supposed to be a ruin and finds it alive and well and occupied by a jolly group of passionate smokers (who gave it the name "Nicotine") and falls in love with Rob, a self-proclaimed asexual bike repairman, she decides to not tell him and the others that this house belongs to her family and instead dives into the squatters culture and anarchist life style. All would be well if it wasn't for Pennys oldest brother Matt, who inherited the house from his father and wants to claim it - and also falls in love with Jazz, another occupant of the Nicotine, leading to a very unhealthy obsession with her.

I think its safe to say that "Nicotine" is a very unconventional book. To be honest it wasn't easy to narrow down the plot to the summary above because it has a lot going on given that it only has 336 pages. As someone who has experienced squatters and anarchist circles, I did recognize a few things as very familiar, other things seemed very odd or even wrong to me, but who am I to judge if that isn't exactly how people are like in the United States? If there aren't mostly occupied houses where all people occupying it are activists for the same cause (for example "smokers rights", or climate activists etc.)?

A thing I kinda liked was the uninhibited portrayal of sexuality and especially female sexuality, desire and pleasure (since that is still very thinly spread). However, it often gave me a somewhat voyeuristic feeling, the feeling of the reader being intrusive. It made me uncomfortable, and I guess that is the point. Not porn or overly romaticising, but absolute intimacy including things that only work in said intimacy between everyone involved, which makes the portrayal of sex in this book feel very natural, real and true.

On the other hand, we have the portrayal of sexual orientations which rubbed me the wrong way (no pun intended). As I said, Rob is asexual, but this gets questioned a lot by those wanting to sleep with him and is a huge topic throughout the book, including the narrative of people not able to have a relationship with him without sex. This is not discussed with him or realized after thinking stuff through, it is just a given and unlike Robs asexuality, it is never questioned by anyone.

SPOILER AHEAD

...of course it turns out that Rob isn't actually asexual but just insecure because he has a small dick and after realizing that no one gives a shit about dick sizes when they're in love everyone fucks happily ever after. My guys, I am mad. So much for acceptance in the portrayal of ace folks. Great. Just great.

SPOILER END

I already mentioned that another thing that rubbed me the wrong way was Pennys family in their entirety. Not because they show toxic, unhealthy family constellations (it does get a lot weirder than what I already told you) but because it is never questioned or put into perspective. It is portrayed as normal and ok and not to be viewed with concern. No one, not a single character stops to think "wait, should I really just accept this and not wonder if theres some serious manipulation playing into that old dude marrying his adopted daughter..?" That just never happens and to me does seem unrealistic and an unhealthy portrayal, especially since we're mostly dealing with leftist SJW characters here.
Overall, I think it's pretty obvious that I still don't quite know what to really think of "Nicotine". It did have it's moments and wasn't a bad read but it has a lot of problematic aspects, so I guess I wouldn't recommend to buy it, but if you can borrow it and feel up for something very weird and kinda uncomfortable, do your thing.