I quit my job

So I told you about my new job last year, and I also told you about how much I missed working in an actual bookshop. Then I wnt pretty quiet for a bit, then I told you about how I wanted to concentrate more on the good things in my life and then I qnet even more quiet. All while I passive-agressively vague tweeted about how I did, in fact, not like my job. But let's start from the beginning.
I already applied elsewhere in autumn, because I already knew that this job definitely wasn't for forever. Then December came, and with it my companys christmas party - we went there on a nine hour bus trip and it was a huge, gigantic party that I couldn't help but compare to the party in the Capitol in Hunger Games. Everything was decadent, a little too much, everyone was oh so important in their suits and coctail dresses, and I was in there and thought: Yes. This is the epitome of capitalism. All of this must have cost a fortune, just so all of us could tell ourself how very important we were, in a business that does not contribute to the everyday life of normal people but to other companies only.
It was a bit of a shock for me. But I guess this is business. And definitely a business that is not for me. I mean, objectively it is a good job, I get paid more than usual for my profession, I have flexible working hours, I do like my colleagues, and the work I do is not too demanding. And yet, I didn't feel good about it. I wasn't happy doing it. So I applied even more, actively looked for jobs that would suit me better, aware that I had until the end of January to quit on short notice before my probation ended and I had to give 3 months notice before leaving.
And then my mental health dropped it like it's hot. My mood went straight downhill, and with it, I got chronic stomach cramps. The day before my probation ended, I started crying the second I got home and pretty much didn't stop for hours. I had trouble falling asleep that night. My partner, who before advised to not quit until I got a new job, told me to do it anyway. I did not have a new job.
The next morning, I wrote a termination letter, printed it and took it with me to work, just in case. Then I had a long talk about it with a colleague/friend. And then, in a meeting, one of my superiors said something like "The company lives because of its passionate employees" and that settled it. I was not a passionate employee. So I went to speak to my manager about it.
It was rough. It was really rough. Quitting is hard. But I am very lucky because my manager was really understanding about it. He did offer me to try to change aspects that made me unhappy, but since we noticed quickly that the most important ones could not be changed, he said that he thinks it's great how I reflected what happened in those 6 months working here and took my conclusions from it. And that it was great how I listened to my guts. All in all, he respected my decision and made sure that we would make it work best for all, both the company and me. We expanded the notice to 8 weeks. This way, I have more time to find a new job and they have time to find a new employee to work my current job when I am gone. It's a great solution.
Now for the stomach aches, they are gone. After I quit, they slowly disappeared and have not resurfaced yet. Overall, I feel at peace, even though there is a bit of stress due to having to find a new job, but I guess that's normal.
There's a lot of people who think it's stupid what I have done. That I shouldn't have quit a job that gave me financial security. But is it worth my mental health and my happines? I don't think so.
In a lot of discussions there was the realization that this might me a millenial thing: We are painfully aware that financial security is not what it used to be. No one can assure me that this financial security will last anyway. It is more than unlikely for us to work for the same company for the rest of our life. Thus, it is more than unlikely to increase our wage by staying long. And for me as a bookseller, it is impossible to actually be paid enough to not have to think about money anymore. A friend put it like that: "We're generation internship. We are used to getting paid very little, if anything at all. Thus, the decision for us to make is: Do we want to work a shit job for little money or a job that we love for little money?" The answer is pretty clear. We just don't value money higher than happiness anymore, because we get less money anyway.
I feel really good about my decision and I will see what the future brings. If anything, I kept my integrity and stuck to being myself. So I guess that's something.

So it's been quiet.

People who remember my awkward trys as a YouTube person will also remember how this is a sentence I say a lot, (I should definitely stop to remind people that I tried to be a YouTube Person) as will people who follow my art page on Facebook. Me not having any continuity with my social media content output is a classic, really. That is mostly due to me having creative output in general in phases, no matter what it is what I do, drawing, writing, (ugh) making awkward videos etc., it doesn't matter. The other reason for this is me getting too caught up in life, I still do have a fulltime job, so far still with school going on next to that and, of course, a social life to keep up with. While other content creators seem to juggle all this very vell and still create every week or even daily, I am horrioble at even attempting this. However, I decided I will not apologize for silence anymore.

Here's the thing: Given that I am creative in phases, I have the choice between posting content I stand behind very irregularly, or posting stuff I am not entirely happy with regularly. We all know which of those is the more favourable choice for me and for the people who are interested in my content.

In detail, this time, I simply didn't have much to write about. Sure, there is a lot going on in my life right now, but nothing that would justify a single, long blog post. And even if there was, there are specific reasons I don't do it.
For example, a few weeks ago I had the court appointment following that thing I posted about in December (TW sexual abuse). To state the short version: It was horrible, I am not okay after this, but I know that I will be. Also, the sentence is 5,5 years. Yes, there is a lot more to talk about in detail, but I prefer to do so privately, since I don't want my blog to be about that every other month. I don't want my life to be about this every other month. I don't want to make that my topic and I am afraid if I posted more than this one post, it might stain this blog and me to be honest.
Then there's, well, life. I'll have my written final exam in May, my oral exam in June, so I have to study now, and more importantly, I have to find a new job because right the second they'll tell me that I've passed my oral exam and I am a fully-trained bookseller now - I am unemployed. Since I am planning to go back to my hometown, I not only have to find a new job but also have to cancel all sorts of contracts here, organize everything, so it's a lot to do, but not a lot to actually write about.
After telling those two things, it will be no surprise to anyone to hear that I did not read too much lately, didn't go to the movies often or enjoyed anything that I could review on here. I do read, I do watch movies etc., but not really for review - just for me. Yes, there is a huge difference between consuming media for your own enjoyment or doing it for review purposes.

So far, so well. However, at this point I want to share two YouTube videos with you, dear reader, that found the way into my heart this week.

First of all, there's "Foundation" by my all-time-favourite muse Liam Dryden. Liam has been very quiet as well on YouTube for a while now - and then he uploaded this. I don't feel like it is my place to talk about the adressed event because it has nothing to do with me (as in, I am not directly effected in any way nor involved) and Liam did "offer" an explanaitory video on his Twitter so let's wait for that instead because all I know is more or less rumors, I don't know which of those are true and which ones aren't and thus will keep my mouth shut. However, regardless of wether you know what this is about, it is a beautifully worded poem about a feeling I think a lot of us can relate to. I am very glad Liam made this honest thing.

The other one is "Comfort food", a short film by Sam Saffold, which might be one of the most beautiful pieces of art that anyone ever made about love just being love with all its ups and downs. Also, it's got food and books, so of course I'm hooked!

Definitely check out those videos while I'll hit the books again - and hopefully don't write my next review about my textbook.