I quit my job

So I told you about my new job last year, and I also told you about how much I missed working in an actual bookshop. Then I wnt pretty quiet for a bit, then I told you about how I wanted to concentrate more on the good things in my life and then I qnet even more quiet. All while I passive-agressively vague tweeted about how I did, in fact, not like my job. But let's start from the beginning.
I already applied elsewhere in autumn, because I already knew that this job definitely wasn't for forever. Then December came, and with it my companys christmas party - we went there on a nine hour bus trip and it was a huge, gigantic party that I couldn't help but compare to the party in the Capitol in Hunger Games. Everything was decadent, a little too much, everyone was oh so important in their suits and coctail dresses, and I was in there and thought: Yes. This is the epitome of capitalism. All of this must have cost a fortune, just so all of us could tell ourself how very important we were, in a business that does not contribute to the everyday life of normal people but to other companies only.
It was a bit of a shock for me. But I guess this is business. And definitely a business that is not for me. I mean, objectively it is a good job, I get paid more than usual for my profession, I have flexible working hours, I do like my colleagues, and the work I do is not too demanding. And yet, I didn't feel good about it. I wasn't happy doing it. So I applied even more, actively looked for jobs that would suit me better, aware that I had until the end of January to quit on short notice before my probation ended and I had to give 3 months notice before leaving.
And then my mental health dropped it like it's hot. My mood went straight downhill, and with it, I got chronic stomach cramps. The day before my probation ended, I started crying the second I got home and pretty much didn't stop for hours. I had trouble falling asleep that night. My partner, who before advised to not quit until I got a new job, told me to do it anyway. I did not have a new job.
The next morning, I wrote a termination letter, printed it and took it with me to work, just in case. Then I had a long talk about it with a colleague/friend. And then, in a meeting, one of my superiors said something like "The company lives because of its passionate employees" and that settled it. I was not a passionate employee. So I went to speak to my manager about it.
It was rough. It was really rough. Quitting is hard. But I am very lucky because my manager was really understanding about it. He did offer me to try to change aspects that made me unhappy, but since we noticed quickly that the most important ones could not be changed, he said that he thinks it's great how I reflected what happened in those 6 months working here and took my conclusions from it. And that it was great how I listened to my guts. All in all, he respected my decision and made sure that we would make it work best for all, both the company and me. We expanded the notice to 8 weeks. This way, I have more time to find a new job and they have time to find a new employee to work my current job when I am gone. It's a great solution.
Now for the stomach aches, they are gone. After I quit, they slowly disappeared and have not resurfaced yet. Overall, I feel at peace, even though there is a bit of stress due to having to find a new job, but I guess that's normal.
There's a lot of people who think it's stupid what I have done. That I shouldn't have quit a job that gave me financial security. But is it worth my mental health and my happines? I don't think so.
In a lot of discussions there was the realization that this might me a millenial thing: We are painfully aware that financial security is not what it used to be. No one can assure me that this financial security will last anyway. It is more than unlikely for us to work for the same company for the rest of our life. Thus, it is more than unlikely to increase our wage by staying long. And for me as a bookseller, it is impossible to actually be paid enough to not have to think about money anymore. A friend put it like that: "We're generation internship. We are used to getting paid very little, if anything at all. Thus, the decision for us to make is: Do we want to work a shit job for little money or a job that we love for little money?" The answer is pretty clear. We just don't value money higher than happiness anymore, because we get less money anyway.
I feel really good about my decision and I will see what the future brings. If anything, I kept my integrity and stuck to being myself. So I guess that's something.

Good things that happened to me in 2017

So my first full year on this blog is about to end, time for a recap of 2017.
Yeah, just... let's start with all the nice stuff, don't we? Let's have some good vibes over here!
Weirdly, the good vibes start with a very bittersweet memory: In March 2017, the guy who abused me sexually as a child finally got convicted. Even though it is a thing I wish never happened to anyone, even though it is a thing that opened up old wounds and put me in a bad place mentally, even though I am still recovering from seeing him in court and maybe even more from how some of the newspaper reporters treated me - it is a good thing that it happened and I am very glad I got to put an end to it all. It's finally completely over. And no one can take that from me. So I'll just stick to that. I refuse to let the bad parts tied to this spoil that it is actually a great, amazing thing.
While I am leaving this behind, let's move on to the actual good things, the ones that are completely great.
In June I passed my final exams of my bookseller apprenticeship - the oral exam with 100%. Three years of hard work and learning how to study completely payed off and I am very proud of myself and this accomplishment. A bit after that, after a long and frustrating job hunt, I nailed the only job interview I had and got myself a well-paid full time job back in my hometown. Also in June, same-sex marriage finally became legalized in Germany and I will never forget the joy I felt seeing people celebrate in the streets, even though it does not necessarily concern me personally - while I am pansexual, I am in a relationship with a man who I intend to spend the rest of my life with, so for the time being, personally, I could have done just fine without the new law. However, what is me being able to do okay worth if the people around me are not equally able to do okay?
In July, I finally went back to Exeter and had a lovely week introducing my partner to my friends over there and to the city I undeniably fell in love with a year earlier. After that, I moved back to my hometown, to my grannys place first, and started at the new job and thus, a new part of my life.
The best thing in August was my partners birthday: My gran, my aunt and I took him to a boat ride on a lake as a surprise - keeping that a secret for two weeks was propably one of the hardest things I ever had to do because he is the person I want to tell all the things that excite me. It was a really successful surprise and seeing him this happy and joyful like a little boy is everything to me. It will be hard to keep up to this next year. A bit later, we signed the rental contract to our dream flat.
In October, we finally moved in said flat, and after 2,5 years I moved in with my partner. While as every move ours was exhausting as well, I had loads of fun picking out furniture, arranging it in this awesome flat of ours etc. (did I mention that I love this flat a lot?).
On November 2nd, I got engaged. More specifically, I proposed to my partner. Even more specifically, I spontaneously bought two not too cheap but also really not expensive rings, put them in front of him and never actually got the question over my lips because I am awkward like that. So, technically, it could all be a huge misunderstanding but given he has told his family and all, I guess it is not. So I will definitely marry this guy. Not too soon (dude, weddings are expensive!) but propably in 2019 or so. All of this sounds very indifferent just written down like this, mostly because putting smileys in this text would be weird, but I am really, really happy, I swear!
In December, I went to Hamburg for my pirate crews annual christmas drink and had a really good time, had a lovely christmas dinner at my best friends place, went to Freiburg for a gigantic, decadent company christmas party and had a lovely christmas eve with my mum, fiance and my sister.
Put down like that, I think overall, it was a pretty good year. For that reason, I refuse to write a synopsis about the bad things as well - let's all concentrate on the nice things more, even though or maybe especially because of all the bad things that are happening around the world lately. This may be my first new years resolution: Focusing more on the positive things in my life. Not ignoring the bad things, simply not forgetting all the things that do make me smile.

Yes means yes

So there's a new law being discussed in Sweden.
This new law says that not only "no" does mean "no" but that an actual "yes", actual conscious consent has to be given for sex to not be rape.
That means: Silence isn't consent, unconsciousness isn't consent, a "yes" under the influence of drugs isn't consent (and yes, that includes being drunk), a "yes" given because you were threatened if you said no is not consent and so on.
Now this law still has it's flaws: It still doesn't cover power inbalances being the reason for a spoken "yes", it is still is word against word when it comes to proving wether or not someone gave consent, but it is propably the best law victims of sexual violence can get to defend themselves and their bodily autonomy.
The reason I am writing a blog post about it is definitely not that I would have a problem with it - if anything, I am shocked again how something that should be common sense is still something Scandinavia has so much ahead of the rest of the world. Blimey, that should be the law everywhere.
No, the thing I am actually shocked of is how the press is delivering those news and how people react to them.
In German newspapers, the title often was something along the line of "in Sweden only yes means yes - ideally in a written contract". We all know that a lot of people rarely read anything more than the headline, so this is all they get from it: I now need a written contract that I may fuck this person. Thus, these news are already dangerously close to being fake news.
Now the reaction of the people doesn't exactly shock me, I have lived in this world long enough to know that people can be absolute assholes. It's just the same boring, exhausting reactions we always get as soon as we discuss sexual rights, and personally, I am really tired of discussing them over and over again with people who do not want to discuss seriously.
"Best to have a notary in the bedroom at all times"
"It takes away the spontaneity that makes sex so good"
"Sure, maybe you should ask when it's a one night stand but in a relationship or even marriage you wouldn't say no ever so why ask?"
and so on. Those are not even the most disgusting ones I read so far.
Now how am we supposed to believe that rape culture is not a thing when new consent laws like the Swedish one are treated like this? When people believe that simply asking "Are you down for sexy times?" is, well, too much to ask for? When people still think others owe them their bodies for whatever reason?
But overall, I am glad that the rape statistics in Sweden will go up. Not because there will be more rape cases, but more cases where the rapists actually will get prosecuted. Thanks, Sweden. Really hope the rest of the world will live up to you at some point. 

Missing retail - A Love Story

Due to christmas shopping I went to a tiny little bookstore this week. I found it right in the middle of our city, it has always been there, but since it technically isn't on one of the big High Streets, I never noticed it before.
I tend to buy a lot of books as christmas presents, I guess it's a habit very typical for people of my profession. So we went in there and went out half an hour later with 5 books in my fiances backpack and one more being ordered for us for two days later. It was a lovely shop, two floors, one with German books and one with English ones, all decorated with a lot of love and care. The employees were typical booksellers, you could just sense their love for their goods, they were authentic and with burning passion for their work, and of course helpful and polite as they should be.
When I left the shop I bursted into tears. Being in such a lovely little bookshop hurt.
Why? Because I miss this. I miss being one of those passionate booksellers instead of one of those indifferent office job workers. I miss caring for my work. I miss burning for my work.
I always did burn for selling books. I burned for every bit of it, from unpacking the boxes full of new books in the morning to handling even the most tedious customer with a smile to counting the cash in the evening, hell, I even burned for dusting the shelves for hours. All the boring, unnerving, exhausting tasks I thought I'd be happy to leave behind when I started at my current job, I even miss those. I miss all of this a lot.
Sure, my current job is not too bad. It does pay more than I'd get in a bookshop, I don't have to do physically demanding works like carrying several kilos of books up and down stairs, I don't have to deal with customers too often and if I don't feel like smiling I don't have to, my colleagues are lovely, my superiors take pretty good care of me, I can work flexible times and I have a lot of chances to learn and grow as a person work-wise. This job does have a lot of perks. But it is not what I burn for. I don't really care for what I am doing here. If it wasn't for paying my bills, I propably would not go here everyday, 40 hours a week. It's a bearable job, it's pretty ok, but it isn't great. It doesn't make me happy.
Now this would be a lot different if I would have actively decided to do this instead of working in a bookshop. Then it would be a) my fault and b) changable. However, the reason it hurts even more is that it was never my decision to make. There are simply too few jobs in book selling, especially if you want them to pay you a living (there are mostly part time jobs that would hardly cover my rent and food) and limit yourself to one city. Thus, I never stood a real chance to decide if I wanted to stay in bookselling or do something else. I was kicked out of my personal paradise and took my current job only for the sake of having a job at all.
For the first time in my life I feel truly betrayed by capitalism, personally offended. In Germany, several hundreds of booksellers are trained, but there are not even closely enough jobs for them after they finished their apprenticeship. There are a few lucky ones who can stay in the shops where they did their apprenticeship, there are some who find work in other shops and some who don't want to be a bookseller anymore, and then there's people like me who would die to keep doing this job but don't find a job in their field. A lot of booksellers are basically bread for unemployment and it is frustrating. It is frustrating having worked so hard for years below minimum wage for nothing. It's even more frustrating wanting to highly recommend this work field because it makes you so happy just to realise you couldn't possibly bear to see someone becoming that disappointed as well.
In the end, it feels a bit like being in love with someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings. It hurts a lot but you can't change it, they can't change it either, it just is what it is: Not meant to be. Their feelings might change at some point, but you have no guarantee for it, so it is the best for everyone to move on for now.

Justice League - Review

When it comes to movie adaptions of comics, I am definitely on the Marvel side of life. Sure, I like Heath Ledgers Joker as much as the next guy (and already know I might be roasted for this statement), but Marvel is just a lot more fun for me. Also, I think Superman is the lamest super hero ever (c'mon please, roast me!).
But I am also a highly impressionable person and when the whole of the internet praises Wonder Woman I can't resist the urge to go watch it (the only reason I did not review it is that I was too much in awe to form any straight thoughts about it that could word an actual review - please note the very intentional use of the word straight in that sentence). And when my lady, my wife, the mother of my adopted children returns to the screen, I am impressively able to endure Superman and Ben Afflecks Batman.
Let's start with Batman, actually. I did not see any of the movies building up to Justice League (except WW), and I don't plan to change that. I think it is clear by now that I don't care for Superman, but what is my problem with Batsy? Well... I actually did like the Dark Knight Trilogy a lot. But never necessarily for Batman himself. I never liked any of Batman for Batman himself, to be honest. What I do like is all the characters surrounding him. The villains, obviously, but also characters like Comissioner Gordon, Alfred and Lucius Fox, and for a good part, I liked them in the TDK trilogy because they were cast incredibly well. Therefore, my problem with Ben Afflecks Batman is neither Batman nor Ben Affleck (even though, despite him apparently being one of Hollywoods nice guys, I am not a big fan of his either. It's Alfred not being Michael Caine anymore. It has to be Michael Caine. It's Lucius Fox not being Morgan Freeman anymore - it has to be Morgan Freeman. It's Gordon not being Gary Oldman anymore - you get the drift. Ben Affleck actually plays a quite decent Batsy (but his chin looks weird in the mask, just saying), but everything surrounding him feels wrong.
But let's talk about the newcomers instead because they are the ones who are actually interesting.
The Flash is a character I never dealt with before. I don't know shit about the Flash, so I can't compare the Flash I saw in Justice League with anything. What I saw is a young, quirky character, so quick not only physically but mentally as well that he stumbles, again, not only physically but vocally as well - he's awkward and clumsy, and for the later, I think that little flaw makes him interesting and human. Yeah, I can run super fast but I trip a lot while doing so. He is the main comic relief of the movie without it feeling like laughing at his cost. He brings a bit of Marvel into this DC movie, and I really hope to see a stand alone Flash movie in the future. Also, Ezra Miller is briliant, as always.
Then there's Cyborg who, in my opinion, has the biggest character developement to show for. We have this kid who should have died in the car accident he went through and who is bitter about being alive but not human. He hurts a lot. Wonder Woman, as the compassionate being with the giant heart that she is, tries to take care of him, but it's everything but easy to get through to him. Yet, he learns to embrace his everchanging super body and the opportunity to do good in this world with it.
Last but not least: DC finally managed to make Aquaman cool, but I guess everyone is cool when played by Jason Momoa.The lovely thing about this is that they picked up a lot of the things that made Aquaman so ridiculous before and turned them around for himself to make fun of them. Sadly, of all the less established characters, Aquaman is still the one least threedimensional.
Now what happens to all those characters that makes Justice League an actual story?
The premise for JL is that after Supermans death, the world is pretty much broken and very vulnerable. This opens up a chance for the mother boxes to be activated again. The three mother boxes serve both as a powerful weapon when combined and as portals for the one using the weapons: Steppenwolf, a godlike creature, who attempts to conquer and reimagine planet Earth with his army of parademons. Thousands of years ago, he was defeated by the combined powers of mankind, the amazons, the atlanteans, the olympic gods and the green lanterns, and the mother boxes were separated and hidden away: One was guarded on Themyscira, one in Atlantis and one was burried by the humans so no leader could try to use the power against other human tribes. But step by step Steppenwolf reclaims the boxes kept by the amazons and the atlanteans. Leaves the one burried by the humans, and thus the Justice League gets together to protect it and protect Earth from Steppenwolf and his army.
Boiled down like this, the plot is in fact pretty thin, it is a simple good vs. bad story, but the characters and their side-plots are what keeps Justice League alive and going. Of course it was not an epiphany, but it was solid entertainment and I really enjoyed watching it and would watch it again.
But next time, let Patty Jenkins do it. Just let Patty Jenkins do all of the DC movies from now on. Yeah, Zack Snyder, I saw what you did. Making the amazons outfits more revealing again and make Gal Gadots butt peek out occasionally makes it worse. 

Welcome to Third Reich 2.0

This morning, I woke up at 11am, drank a cup of coffee and then my grandma and I went to the polling station to vote in the federal election. Now it's 9pm, just 10 hours later, and I am depressed.
After the presidential election in November and the Brexit referendum I sure did lose some hope in humanity but somehow, I was able to be optimistic enough to not completely lose hope that our election in Germany wouldn't turn out as bad. Yes, I actually hoped for Germany to still remember that fascism is not a good idea, as we learned from our past. Apparently, a lot of people just took a lot of naps in History lessons.
For the ones who don't know yet: With over 13%, the relatively new right wing party AfD is the third strongest in our parlament now. To give you a remote idea exactly how right wing they are, a quote from their top candidate Alexander Gauland from just a few hours ago: "We will hunt them down and take back our country and our people." In this case, 'them' includes, for example, Angela Merkel. I think that says enough.
As my mum perfectly stated: This is basically just showing us directly, how very right wing this country still is. We now know for sure that about 1 in 5 people actually thinks that way. And we also know that 1 in 4 people couldn't be bothered to go vote to make their chance to get into the parlament smaller. Dear non-voters, this is on you too.
My friend asked me if I'd come to the town hall for a spontaneous demonstration, and as much as I wanted to, I had to realize that I can't do it tonight. I don't have the energy. So tonight I'm going to try to resist the urge to get drunk. Tomorrow, I'll try to somehow get out of bed. Next week, I'll resist the urge to take this as the final reason to move to Exeter (sorry Exeter friends). But when that is done... I'll fight. For the next four years, I'll fight for an openminded, caring Germany. I'll fight for kindness and for freedom and for equality. I'll not punch every Nazi I see because when it comes to physical violence I'm a bloody coward, but I will support anyone who has the courage to do so. I will never shut up against people who are racist, homophobic, misogynistic, transphobic, fascist etc. I will be loud, I will be aggresive, I will be uncomfortable to those who think they won for good now. I'll refuse to live in Third Reich 2.0. We all should. The 87% who voted against them. My fellow Germans - make those 4 years hell for AfD. We will not give up yet.

Excursion To Poetry #3 - Sep. 2017

Not here

nor there

a ghost wherever I go

not really here

nor there

nor anywhere.

What is home?

What exactly does home mean?

Home is where your heart is, they say,

but what if your heart is all over the place?

Little pieces left in every corner of the world

no matter where I go, there‘s always pieces missing,

not here, nor there, nor anywhere,

is fully home to me.

And with every place I go,

I leave bigger pieces behind,

hoping to find home in places

where I left the biggest one

and all the pieces,

all the places,

all the people,

combined in one,

make the biggest home just right inside my mind.