Making a wedding: I'm a strong independent woman who... can't ask

So, as I mentioned since November - I am engaged.
No worries, this is not going to become a wedding blog or something, but I figured I'd really like to share my experiences along the way of planning a wedding, especially as someone who a) is a feminist and b) is a big fan of doing things differently and (hopefully) less expensive.
First of all, let me tell you: When I was a child, I was not a big fan of weddings and marriage in general. I had grown up in a family where a lot of people were divorced or didn't get married in the first place mostly because of that history of divorce. My family is pretty matriarchal due to that as well, because its the mothers (grandmothers, aunts, you name it) who usually stayed part of the family. My mum never married and always told me that she thinks that love doesn't need a wedding. And you know what? I still think she is right.

However, the older I got, the more I started dreaming of having this huge party. I like to celebrate love, and I like to break standards. So why not throw this huge party with someone you love? Sure, you could do it without the ceremony and all that fuss and without the comitment that comes with marriage. But that'd be only half the deal, right?

So generally, I'd like to get married for the experience which might be a pretty millenial approach, but here we go. The biggest problem about this is - I am also not big at long-term relationships. The half-life for my relationships is usually around 4 months. Not exactly a great basis for getting married.
Then I met my fiance. To be honest, this relationship started out like an experiment, I was by then pretty sure that I was more of a polyamorous person, he knew that he wanted monogamy - so basically the deal was "We try the monogamy thing, and see if it works for me and if not, we have a calm, mature talk about it and see what we can do about it or if we break up because it doesn't fit (which would be perfectly fine too)". So basically we did what should be the standard: Commiting to communicate. What can I say - so far, we didn't have any talk like this yet, mostly because this guy trusts me a lot and there is zero jealousy because of that. He trusts me that if I have urges I want to follow I will be honest with him, and he believes that if that happens, it just doesn't work and that would be ok too. So basically we are both very calm, not stressing out about the future too much and enjoying our time together. We are not the type for "forever" but more for "for now as long as it makes us happy" and thats great. And "for now" has lasted for 3 years already.
We had talked about our mutual wish to get married for pretty long already before there was an actual proposal, so we both knew that as long as we stayed together we'd both be in - not necessarily at any given time, but just in general.

After two and a half years, in October 2017, we moved in together for the first time and to me, it really felt like this was a huge milestone and at the same time a test to our relationship. Living with someone else is something I am not very good at either - I get easily annoyed by people when I need time on my own and past shared living situations showed that my idea of tidiness and others ideas of tidiness usually differ a lot. However, after a month, we still were absolutely chill with each other and when there were problems we managed to (boom, here it goes again) talk them out peacefully.
Now at the end of the month, something happened that made me really angry of my fiance (for the sake of the privacy of everyone involved we agreed not to disclose that any further on here - don't worry, while it was a pretty big deal to me, it wasn't something inherently toxic or even dangerous). Of course he apologized, but I still had a hard time swallowing what happened that evening.
The next day, I was in town for an appointment, and after that was done, I started to wander around a bit. I really like to do that from time to time, just walking through different shops not really buying anything, no music on my ears, just walking and thinking. And I thought about the last evening and how angry I had been... and somehow I started to randomly look at rings. Not expensive ones, actually really cheap rings. The idea to propose formed and finally I bought a set of rings for 24€ combined, asked the shop assistants for a box to put them into and to wish me luck. Because if after being so angry at him I still didn't spare even a thought to maybe ending the relationship, this was something.

So I had two rings in a box and went home, my heart beating very fast. At home, I didn't really manage to do the thing at first, but at some point, I sat on the couch and he somehow sat on a stool right in front of me which was pretty ideal, so I put the box in front of him and told him I brought something. He opened it, got all teary-eyed and started to grin like an idiot and kissed me and finally I asked "So, what do you say?" and he replied "Well, you haven't asked anything yet." It dawned on me that he was right, I hadn't. I propably blushed and went "I... I can't say it!" because it felt so weird to even think about saying those words out loud: Do you want to marry me?
So even while it was pretty awkward he did say yes, and I still like to end this story with the notion that it could all be a huge misunderstanding - because no one ever actually asked the question.
(By the way, he planned on proposing as well, wanted to do it on my birthday two weeks later.)

Avengers: Infinity War - Review

MASSIVE SPOILER WARNING! THERE WILL BE MASSIVE SPOILERS BECAUSE I GUESS EVERYTHING I COULD SAY IS A SPOILER SO I WON'T EVEN TRY!

 

Good, now that I have this out of my system, I can start to get everything about Infinity War out of my system as well - and obviously, there is a lot.
I assume that everyone reading this knows about the plot and the back story that lead to it so I will do without a summary of the story and jump right into the criticism/thoughts on different stuff. Cool? Cool.

Let's start with the first deaths: Loki and Heimdall. While a big part of me started liking the MCU because of Loki in Avengers (yes, I used to be that kind of basic teenage fangirl, don't judge me), Heimdall hit me a lot more personally. Loki already died before, so it's not something shocking or new to see - that's the problem with having characters die more than once, it makes the audience insensitive to it happening again. Even with the certainty that this time he won't come back - the Russo brothers aka Thanos made that very clear in a not so subtle way - there's still that feeling of "eh, he might come back after a while, he's too popular" that just lingers on. I don't trust Marvel on deaths anymore. Fun fact: The same thing happened to me with Doctor Who during the Moffat era and now I don't get emotional at all when a character dies in the DW universe.

However, rumors are the Russos argued that Loki will stay dead because, and I quote, "Tom Hiddleston is getting too old". Even though I completely agree that it's time for Loki to actually stay dead - are you fucking kidding me? Tom Hiddleston is 37. He is a lot younger than, say, Robert Downey junior, or Samuel L. Jackson, he is younger than Chadwick Boseman who is handled as "a fresh new face" - and besides, he did not change at all! When you compare Loki now to Loki in Thor 1, he still looks the same - if anything, just a bit worn down by all the things all of them have gone through. I don't know about you but Loki did have some very stressful years - if anything, he looks tired, and it makes perfect sense! Tom getting "old" is not even close to a good point of why Loki has to stay dead. Tom maybe not being willing anymore to play that role, letting go of him so he can turn to do other movies, Lokis character arc being pushed to the fullest, those are decent reasons. Get your shit together, please.

Another thing that starts right here is why I think that with Infinity War the MCU has outdone itself: The overall story is a story of failure. All those superheroes are doing their best to fight and stop Thanos, and a lot of times they did everything right, and they still fail. This makes Infinity War as frustrating as it is great because of this. It's something we all have to remember all the time, no matter how good we are doing and even if we do everything right there is potential to fail. Sure, in our personal lives failure rarely means the death of half the universe, but still - important to keep in mind. What's even more frustrating is all the times when you think they did it and then they didn't: Sure, it was clear that Loki wouldn't kill Thanos because then the movie would have been over within minutes (even though that could have been an interesting plot twist - originally assigned bad guy for the movie gets killed within minutes, unsuspected new bad guy never mentioned in a trailer or anything takes over. Or even one of the guys who are supposed to be the good guys. I'll be back in a bit, just writing a genius script to sell to Hollywood for a shitload of money.). I was a bit tricked as well of the illusion Thanos made up on Knowhere where Gamora killed him, but that would have been too soon as well. I would have loved the retrieval of the soul stone to be the last obstacle on Thanos' way, though, because I wished Gamora would have been right: Thanos' love for her is not exactly real love so she would have still died there, but it wouldn't have given him the stone. It would have been for nothing. He maybe would have brought her back from death by using the time stone then, but ultimately, his quest for all the stones would have ended there. That would have been a good end. However, I understand why it couldn't be that and that for the love to count it doesn't have to be real love in everyones perception - it was enough that Thanos, despite his really shitty behaviour given that, loved Gamora to his own understanding. But, I don't know, I would have liked this as an alternative ending as well. Just a thought on how the story could have proceeded.
That it worked was a very frustrating point as well though, mostly because Gamora pointed out how it couldn't work and we all believed it. Then there were Iron Man, Spider-Man, Dr. Strange, Starlord, Drax and Manthis who did an incredible job on Titan until Starlord fucked it up - they were so close to actually stopping Thanos, damnit! Peter, you fucking idiot! (Quill, not Parker, obvs.) That was the point where it got really frustrating, especially since Peter could have done better, they didn't do everything right and still failed, he just fucked. Up.

I think it was obvious that Shuri wouldn't quite make it removing the mind stone from Vision, however, when Wanda destroyed it, I was so, so sure it was over - and then Thanos used the time stone on her just to kill Vision again (which was ouch). Which personally, I didn't think of but when it happened it seemed so obvious as well. Of course, since he now has the power to play with time, he's going to use it for exactly that.

And then there's Thor. While I was really, really hoping for him to finally stop this nightmare, I am so glad that he didn't. I feel like "Thor coming in last second to save the day (when no one expects him anymore)" was a 'plot twist' a bit overdone in the past and I am so so glad that this wasn't the solution to the problem this time again even though that meant that now Thanos has all the stones and does his thing.

To be honest, I completely forgot there was going to be an Infinity War II so when people started dissolving and the credits started rolling without that being fixed I was a bit... dead inside because I thought for a second that with this the MCU was finished and over and done. Then I remembered that a) at least Ant-Man and the Wasp was on its way and b) there was way too many arcs not finished yet for it to end right here. And then I remembered there was a part 2 coming. Oh sweet relieve! Thank god!

Speaking of characters dissolving: I am still impressed by how little I felt sad. Peter Parker dissolving actually made me tear up a bit because him reacting so much to it and being so scared really hurt (and he's my son and I love him!), but for everyone else, I just took over their lethargy and hopelessness. After that, I just felt really dead and empty inside, but not really sad. For me, that's pretty unusual - I tend to have a lot of feelings both for movies and in general. I cry a lot during movies. Not even just when it's sad, I tend to even sob like a baby when something is just really beautiful. I am very emotional. So I guess, feeling only empty is... something? I'm not sure what but something.
So actually I wanted to write this review a week ago already. I watched it on English first as I tend to do, but then I couldn't quite gather my thoughts on it into something that even closely resembles a coherent text (I know that this one isn't that coherent either). Thus, I had to rewatch it - in German this time. And unlike for all the other movies I reviewed on here so far, I have to make a remark on the translation: Why on earth would you translate "Wakanda forever" to "Wakanda über alles" (=Wakanda above everything else)? Not only does it change the overall tone of the phrase from "Wakanda forever - we just want this country and culture to last" to "Wakanda above everything else - we are much better than you" which plays into alt-rights hands dragging the idea of a sovereign advanced African country - how can you do this in Germany where we had "Deutschland über alles" (=Germany above everything else) in the national anthem during the NS era and thus it also has a very foul additional taste to it? Especially when it comes from black people? Who said this was an okay translation? Who waved that through? Now I completely understand that sometimes due to lip movement things can't be translated directly without it looking weird when the character says it in the synchronization. But not in this case, no, "Wakanda für immer" would have worked perfectly fine - instead, they chose a translation with that connotation and a syllable more to even fuck up the lip movement thing along with it. Please stop putting nazi sentences into black peoples mouths.
I just really needed to address this now that I noticed it, and along with it, I noticed I didn't watch Black Panther in German yet - I think I won't at all now if I can help it because I think I may cringe every time I hear this translation.

Now for a more positive ending, I want to tell you about the overall stuff I liked about Infinity War:
Thanos' (Josh Brolins) expressions are gold. That man was cast very well and I am glad that with this story we got to enjoy the full range of what he can do with his face.
Young Gamora was A+ casting as well - Ariana Greenblatt does look a lot like a child version of Zoe Saldana. Under the green makeup, that is. But it works so well!

I love how they mashed up all the different musical styles the separate movies (Avengers, Guardians of the Galaxy, Black Panther) have. It helped to make it not too much about one person or one group.
I love the Hulk side plot where the Hulk has ego issues due to Thanos beating him up without even using the infinity stones - I love seeing Bruce on its own still getting shit done without being green. It's what Mark Ruffalo and Bruce Banner as a character deserve.

And last but not least, I love the ethical problems coming up all throughout the movie: Thanos' reason to want to wipe out half of the population of the universe does make sense and is somewhat understandable (but yes, I am still wondering as well if he couldn't just have doubled resources) and both Peter Quill promising to kill Gamora and Wanda promising to kill Vision by destroying the stone was basically the trolley problem (killing one person you love to save multiple others, classic utilitarism), so Chidi Anagonye (The Good Place, anyone?) would have had a big philosophy boner over this one - and really bad stomach cramps.

I'm really looking forward to Infinity War II. I have no idea how all of this could be fixed and I am thrilled to see how it gets done. I am curious if the Hulk issue will be resolved and how. I am curious about who will come back and if people come back in the first place. I am kinda hoping for Tonys and Peppers wedding to be the finishing point for the original Avengers and the MCU being pursued with the newer characters like Spidey, Black Panther, Ant-Man etc., the ones we haven't seen as much from yet. I think it's been a while since I was that hyped about the MCU.

"Nicotine" by Nell Zink - Review

First of all, I want to say that "Nicotine" was not an easy read. It took me about 10 weeks to finish it. To be completely honest with you, I still don't know what exactly to think of it, because it was very strange. It was not exactly good in a classic sense, not the kind of book you just want to celebrate, but that doesn't mean it was bad either. Not at all! But I'm getting ahead of myself, let's try to give you a summary of what it is about first.

Penny Bakers life has never been normal or ordinary: Her father, a cult leader of sorts, married her mother, who's younger than his oldest son, after originally adopting her (yes, that does have a very Woody Allen vibe to it, you are not the only one thinking that). Penny used to rebell against her family by being the more conventional one until her father dies and with him the rental contract for the flat she lives in. Since she is unemployed this makes her face the problem of eventually becoming homeless as well. When she visits her grandparents house that is supposed to be a ruin and finds it alive and well and occupied by a jolly group of passionate smokers (who gave it the name "Nicotine") and falls in love with Rob, a self-proclaimed asexual bike repairman, she decides to not tell him and the others that this house belongs to her family and instead dives into the squatters culture and anarchist life style. All would be well if it wasn't for Pennys oldest brother Matt, who inherited the house from his father and wants to claim it - and also falls in love with Jazz, another occupant of the Nicotine, leading to a very unhealthy obsession with her.

I think its safe to say that "Nicotine" is a very unconventional book. To be honest it wasn't easy to narrow down the plot to the summary above because it has a lot going on given that it only has 336 pages. As someone who has experienced squatters and anarchist circles, I did recognize a few things as very familiar, other things seemed very odd or even wrong to me, but who am I to judge if that isn't exactly how people are like in the United States? If there aren't mostly occupied houses where all people occupying it are activists for the same cause (for example "smokers rights", or climate activists etc.)?

A thing I kinda liked was the uninhibited portrayal of sexuality and especially female sexuality, desire and pleasure (since that is still very thinly spread). However, it often gave me a somewhat voyeuristic feeling, the feeling of the reader being intrusive. It made me uncomfortable, and I guess that is the point. Not porn or overly romaticising, but absolute intimacy including things that only work in said intimacy between everyone involved, which makes the portrayal of sex in this book feel very natural, real and true.

On the other hand, we have the portrayal of sexual orientations which rubbed me the wrong way (no pun intended). As I said, Rob is asexual, but this gets questioned a lot by those wanting to sleep with him and is a huge topic throughout the book, including the narrative of people not able to have a relationship with him without sex. This is not discussed with him or realized after thinking stuff through, it is just a given and unlike Robs asexuality, it is never questioned by anyone.

SPOILER AHEAD

...of course it turns out that Rob isn't actually asexual but just insecure because he has a small dick and after realizing that no one gives a shit about dick sizes when they're in love everyone fucks happily ever after. My guys, I am mad. So much for acceptance in the portrayal of ace folks. Great. Just great.

SPOILER END

I already mentioned that another thing that rubbed me the wrong way was Pennys family in their entirety. Not because they show toxic, unhealthy family constellations (it does get a lot weirder than what I already told you) but because it is never questioned or put into perspective. It is portrayed as normal and ok and not to be viewed with concern. No one, not a single character stops to think "wait, should I really just accept this and not wonder if theres some serious manipulation playing into that old dude marrying his adopted daughter..?" That just never happens and to me does seem unrealistic and an unhealthy portrayal, especially since we're mostly dealing with leftist SJW characters here.
Overall, I think it's pretty obvious that I still don't quite know what to really think of "Nicotine". It did have it's moments and wasn't a bad read but it has a lot of problematic aspects, so I guess I wouldn't recommend to buy it, but if you can borrow it and feel up for something very weird and kinda uncomfortable, do your thing.

Black Panther - Review

Originally, I was very reluctant to write a review about Black Panther. I was feeling like I could be pushing into a space that was not for me and that it wasn't my place to judge wether or not Black Panther was represantative for black people - because, after all, I am white and I can't talk for a group of people I am not part of. On the other hand, wouldn't voicing my opinion and thoughts about BP (spoiler: I loved it a lot) be amplifying it and using my privilege to help elevating it?
Since I didn't feel like I could make that decision myself, I asked tumblr blog writingwithcolor. Usually, they give all sorts of tips on how to write POC characters in fiction (if you're a writer of some sort, definitely check them out!), but I felt like they were the right ones to ask this anyway,  even if it was about non-fiction. (You can read their full answer here.)
The point that reasonated most with me was: Racists don't hesitate to write bad, racist reviews about it, so why should I hesitate to write praise? All support is good support as long as I don't speak for black people, but for myself and my own mind. And what can I say, that does make perfect sense. So here we go.
Black Panther is set after Civil War where T'Chaka, the King of Wakanda, a fictional country in Africa, was killed and his son T'Challa (Chadwick Boseman) takes his place. He returns to Wakanda to be crowned king and officially become the Black panther. On the outside Wakanda pretends to be a third world country, but actually they are a very well developed nation with a high level of technology way ahead of the outside world based on their rich vibranium resources. The reason they managed to develope so well and stay that way is mostly their secrecy and keeping everyone else out, because that way, they never got colonialized and exploited by the Europeans like the rest of Africa. But obviously keeping the borders closed and keeping to themselves also means not really helping people on the outside either. While the military does do missions to, for example, save Nigerian women from being trafficked, some feel like this is to little given what they could do with all the technical developement they have. The big question here is: Keep Wakanda a secret to protect it, or risk the safety to help others?
One character who advocates for the later is Nakia (Lupita N'yongo), T'Challas ex, a so-called War Dog, an undercover spy to complete missions in other countries - she has seen a lot of the misery the outside world has to deal with and feels the need to help these people more than they do now. However, this is not really a radical view and thus she is not radical.
Other than Eric Killmonger, T'Challas lost cousin who returns to Wakanda, claims the throne, wins it rightfully in a traditional battle and becomes king. His idea is to distribute the (a lot more advanced) weapons Wakanda has to all the black people in the world to conquer their oppressors. In order to prevent that, T'Challa has to reclaim the throne - and also needs to find an answer to the question wethere they should stay hidden or help the world and a good way to do it.
I already hinted at me loving the movie and that there will be a lot of praise.
First of all: Boom, black representation! Of course it's not my place to judge wether or not black people feel represented by Black Panther. But it the place of black people to say wether or not they feel represented, people like Michelle Obama for example, all the non-famous black voices I read on Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr, and, of course, all the black people involved in the making of Black Panther, the actors, the director, everyone. On a very theoretical standpoint though, it is a game changer: We see black people being the heroes instead of thugs and criminals, we see black people being rich instead of poor, we see black people being highly intelligent instead of uneducated - we see so many stereotypes being not used for once, all while none of them is any less human, because not one character is in any way overglorified. They are human, they make mistakes, they may have problematic views that need to be deconstructed and questioned, and that is a great thing about there being so many black characters: all of them get to be different and we see a wide spectrum of diverse roles they play, contributing to the radical notion that black people are exactly that: People that are all individuals with strenghts and weaknesses just like every white character we have ever seen in movies, just that they are black. Now that doesn't sound like such a huge deal, and you are right, it actually isn't. And at the same time is, because while it should definitely be, this is far from being the standard. I think I, personally, have never seen a movie where black people just got to be people like everyone else.
Also, all of that happened while completely embracing blackness - the amount of different African influences we see in Wakanda is astounding. There are lip plates, head dresses, masks, neck rings and a lot more influences from different African cultures - I highly recommend the Twitter thread from Waris (@diasporicblues) who explains all the influences, you can learn a lot from that. Black Panther is refreshingly unapologizing of their blackness. Another thing I loved about it is that when the Wakandans speak English, they have a very distinctive accent and they still get to be taken seriously. Because they are serious. Another thing that should be the standard but isn't.
Then there is the way Black Panther plays with stereotypes and racism. Characters make jokes about stereotypes and shit with white people, T'Challas sister Shuri calling one "colonizer" is legendary, and to be fair: Yes. Yes it does sting a bit being the butt of a joke and reduced to side kicks and minor roles. But be honest with yourself, isn't that just fair? Isn't that what the predominately white movie industry does to people of colour all the time? And also: Doesn't it show that when we feel a bit caught that we still have to work on our own internalized racism?
Last but definitely not least: Holy shmokes the women! Sure, it doesn't pass the Bechdel test completely: While there are four named female roles (part one: check), who talk to each other (part two: check), they do mostly talk about men. But honestly, since the Black Panther, the main character, and also the villain(s) are male, that's a given. However, we have plenty of strong, amazing women on screen, they are diverse in character, have different strenghts, weaknesses, opinions and feelings and that is a lot more than what can be said about most films. I already talked about Nakia (Lupita N'yongo) in detail, there's Shuri (Letitia Wright) who is an amazing scientist and has the best humour (very meme-y), we have Okoye (Danai Gurira) who may be the fiercest warrior I have always seen (and who I instantly fell in love with, hands down. I am very bi, thanks), we have a very gracious Queen Mother Ramonda (Angela Basset) and so many other women who don't have names and lines but are still fierce and strong and amazing. If you can't manage to praise Black Panther as a anti-racist/ally for POC - at least recognize how feminist it is.
Other than all the social/political things that are to praise about Black Panther, it was a very entertaining story, it was just visually beautiful, it had really nice music and while I read that a lot of people didn't like the special effects: I, as someone who has no fricking clue of special effects, don't see what their problem is (which means, there was nothing feeling off or ripping me out of the experience).
So, overall: If you haven't seen Black Panther yet, go see it. And if you have already seen it... go see it again.

Why I won't delete my Facebook

The last few days have been rough. Really rough. I had a lot of discussions with alt-righters and alt-right apologists, about if the left are just as bad and dangerous as the alt right and so on. The last few days have been frustrating and demanding and have cost me an awful lot of enegery. My blood pressure is propably way beyond a healthy level right now and there have been moments where I really wanted to break down in tears due to all the frustration. All of those discussions were held on Facebook, in various comment sections. There was the one in the comment section of a statement a local goth club made after being called out for firing DJs and bar staff for being openly antifascist (as in, against nazis, not more not less), quote: "We're against all kinds of extremism." as if being against literal nazis is that much of a radical idea. There was the one in the comment section of a newspaper article about the commemoration of the bombing of Dresden in World War II which the alt right used to talk about everything but the bombing of Dresden in World War II (namely, they talked about refugees and Angela Merkel, both have nothing to do with World War II), got blocked with a sit-in by the left counter demonstrators who they then beat up also using pepper spray while the police turned a blind eye and even encouraged their violence. And there are all the different smaller discussions I keep having. Throughout the past days, my fiance suggested that I should consider deleting my Facebook because clearly, it is something that hurts, exhausts and stresses me. He does have a point there, if I deleted my Facebook (or at least stopped going to those comment sections or even just stopped participating in them), I would be way less stressed and not constantly angry, upset, in a horrible mood. Here is why I will stay on Facebook, keep going to those comment sections and keep discussing:

1. Discussing with the alt-right shows them that not everyone is on their side.

Sometimes it is as simple as that: Those comment sections basically belong to the alt right and their supporters nowadays. I know what to expect when I go there and that I will be disgusted by their ignorance, inhumanity and hate. They feel like when there's no one interfering with their comments, they're right, especially since they are so many that the opposite happens, they keep agreeing each other. Discussing with them shows them that not everyone is agreeing.

2. Discussing with the alt-right shows minorities that someone is on their side.

No, I don't think all the energy I put in discussions like that make a change in alt-right peoples minds. It's very unlikely I can make them question their own stances. However, people who are targeted by the alt-right might feel better if racist/homophobic/transphobic/sexist/etc. comments are interfered with. People who are targeted by them and people who think alike will not feel alone not thinking like the alt-right. Which leads us right to the next point.

3. Discussing with the alt-right might influence the opinions of people who have not "chosen a side" yet.

Especially young people may not have an opinion on many political topics yet and they may learn stuff and get to know different viewpoints from reading discussions like this. If they only get to see the racist rethoric, they might just take it as a given, no one is disagreeing so it must be right. By having discussions on social media, we help undecided peope get more than one viewpoint and different approaches to toppics to build their own opinions from.

4. Discussing with the alt-right... simply because someone has to. 

Someone has to fight, for all the reasons above and more. Now you might wonder why I specifically have to, since it obviously hurts me. The answer to that is as sad as it is simple: Who if not me? In both discussions I wrote about in the beginning of this post, I was the only one discussing against the alt-right. Sure, people liked my comments which signals approval, and that does help me a bit to not feel alone and unheard, but it would have helped a lot more to know that if I lost all energy to discuss, someone else would take over. Or someone giving arguments I don't think of in the moment or can't give because I don't know things they know. Or simply someone supporting me in this fight. This is supposed to be a team effort, and I felt very alone in the past few days discussing with several people simultaneously all on my own.Which is innitially a reason why I feel like I have to keep going.

So I won't delete my Facebook, I will keep going to comment sections and interfere with their filterbubble. I really hope that this post might motivate some of you reading this to actively participate in discussions more. When we give up because of demotivation, exhaustion or whatever, they have won. If we are many, we can take turns so others can take breaks. Stay active, peeps.

Question your authorities

Let me start with explaining the viewpoint I am writing this from to you. I am privileged. I am white, I am European, I am able-bodied, and I am female (which does comes in handy when you are in a case other than sexualized violence against you). Also, I have never comitted a crime. Still, I have a personal problem with the police. I reported crimes three times in my life, and every time I felt belittled and not taken seriously. Now I can deal with that in the case where someone took the money I forgot in the ATM (which is, in my opinion, not even necessarily a crime, just not the nicest thing to do especially when the one who actually owns it is poor). I can not deal with that in the case where a random guy punched me in the face in the middle of the street because I was just walking past. No, officer, you can't see anything, but you couldn't see internal bleeding either and that would still be really bad, right? So I have been the victim, the reporting person most of the time when I dealt with police and was truly disappointed. Then there was that one time last year when I went to a protest. Going to a protest is something that takes a lot of willpower for me. I am hella scared of protests because I have been knowing people all my life who went and came back with injuries. We are talking anti-nazi protests - some where caused by the nazis, some where caused by the left who though it was really clever to throw stuff from a distance where they would only hit their own people, and some injuries were from the cops. I guess we all remember the protests against the G20 summit in Hamburg in Summer 2017 where shit went loose. Cars burning, people throwing bottles, none of this is okay. However, what is even less okay is police violently attacking peaceful protesters. You know, the ones who didn't throw bottles or set cars on fire. The majority. That shit happened, and while people who threw bottles and hurt no one with them get 3 years in jail, there are apparently no consequences for the cops. That is the main reason I have to gather all my strenght, hype myself up with angry music and gather a group of friends around me to even go to protests. Now when I went to the protest, I went peacefully. I am too scared to be violent. I could never physically attack a person simply because I am afraid of them hitting me back. Fear makes me a pretty peaceful person. So I went there, walked, showed my face, shouted my opinion, all within the law. I was exercising my right to protest. I was exercising my duty to protest against nazis. We all were. Suddenly, someone yelled "Run!" and when I turned around I saw a group of heavily armoured cops running towards us and they did not look like they'd stop. So I turned back around and ran away, didn't get far because I am clumsy, instead I tripped and fell down... and did not get up again on my own. Just accepted my fate and that I would propably die here trampled to death by the police for literally doing nothing wrong. Instead, my friends picked me up and I did not die, only got a few bruises and abrasions.
So overall, I have never been the perpetrator, never actually got in trouble with the police, and I still do not feel like I could trust them at all. Serve and protect is a lie to me. And I am lucky. I am privileged.
Now yesterday I saw the video of 18-years-old Bethany Nava getting pulled off the train by a police officer and eventually getting arrested. It all started with her having her feet up on the seat in the train. Not really that big of a deal. Now of course that got people discussing wether or not the cop overreacted. A lot of people believe that she should just have put her feet down and everything would have been alright. Here starts the thing: In the video, we can't see wether or not she didn't do that, naturally because people do not start filming when there is merely a conversation. Nava herself says she put her feet down immediately and in her story, it doesn't really sound like even getting her off the train was reasonable. However, even if I was to play devils advocate and not believe her story and assume that she did in fact not do what the cop asked her to do, arresting her including getting her handcuffed is too much in my opinion and getting her off the train would have been perfectly enough as a consequence. That Selena Lechuga, who came to Navas aid, was arrested too, is completely off the table in means of being ok. That's the last thing I will discuss.
The thing is, I am kind of okay with people discussing wether or not it was reasonable to arrest them. What I am not okay with is that the argument used most is something along the line of "he's a cop, he has every right to arrest her, it's the law". I hate that so many people just let cops do whatever they want because they have a badge. I hate that so many people just accept laws as they are. I hate that neither cops nor laws are questioned very often.
Cops are people. After all, they are humans like all of us, only that they wear uniforms, badges, batons, tasers and guns. Since they are humans, they can make mistakes. They are not infallible. It's important to keep that in mind. More importantly though, since they are human, they are not incapable of abusing their authority and position of power. And since they do have that authority and position of power, and because they carry weapons, they should be held up to higher standards than civilists, because their mistakes, their wrongs can end a lot worse more often than the ones civilists make. And when a cop makes a mistake, that is even more important, they should be held accountable for them. That's the biggest problem here.
Now after sharing that video, I had a (very peaceful, factual) discussion with a facebook friend of mine about it. They believe that, since Nava filed a claim against that cop, there will be justice according to what the law is regarding this case - if he did something wrong, he will be held accountable, if not, he won't. The thing is, laws are made and executed by people too. People, humans, who are, again, not incapable of doing wrong. Of misjudging a situation. Or, even worse, are not incapable of abusing their authority and position of power to make and execute laws as they please. Laws are not infallible too.
There are two things I want to use specifically to emphasize my point:
1. Homosexuality was forbidden by law in Germany until 1994. That's the year I was born. That is not at all long ago. That is not ancient history. Someone made that law because they thought homosexuality was bad. No one changed that law until 1994 because they didn't think it was important. People could have been persecuted for homosexuality in Germany until 1994. They were not, because while it was still the law no one executed it. Because they questioned it and found it was stupid. However, it wasn't important enough until 23 years ago to scrap it - and if there were homophobic cops and judges, people still could have been persecuted for being gay. Would people still say it would be ok because it was the law and therefore it must be right?
2. In the age of smart phones (including cameras), it is very easy to film incidences. This is what happened here, and there is alot of proof in that video that may help to tell wether or not this officer was in the right or wrong and, if the later, get him held accountable. But we all remember Eric Garner. You know, Eric Garner, who got killed by cops? Who was arrested for the mere speculation that he might illegaly sell cigarettes? Who actually was the good guy in this situation because he stepped in and ended a fight? Who was killed because the cops arresting him for nothing used an illegal chokehold? That incident was on camera too. Someone died, someone else filmed it, we have all the proof we need and the law is on Eric Garners side. The cop who killed him walked free. Instead, you know who got persecuted? The guy who filmed it. The guy who delivered the proof that didn't do shit. When cops aren't held accountable for killing someone with an illegal chokehold, why should one trust that they will be held accountable for doing less?
We have no reason to blindly trust police officers. We have no reason to blindly trust laws. Instead, we have a duty to always question them to prevent what stands at the end of the row - a police state, a dictatorship even. Sounds dramatic, but this is what we are risking if we keep doing this. Question your authorities, kids. Who if not us?

I quit my job

So I told you about my new job last year, and I also told you about how much I missed working in an actual bookshop. Then I wnt pretty quiet for a bit, then I told you about how I wanted to concentrate more on the good things in my life and then I qnet even more quiet. All while I passive-agressively vague tweeted about how I did, in fact, not like my job. But let's start from the beginning.
I already applied elsewhere in autumn, because I already knew that this job definitely wasn't for forever. Then December came, and with it my companys christmas party - we went there on a nine hour bus trip and it was a huge, gigantic party that I couldn't help but compare to the party in the Capitol in Hunger Games. Everything was decadent, a little too much, everyone was oh so important in their suits and coctail dresses, and I was in there and thought: Yes. This is the epitome of capitalism. All of this must have cost a fortune, just so all of us could tell ourself how very important we were, in a business that does not contribute to the everyday life of normal people but to other companies only.
It was a bit of a shock for me. But I guess this is business. And definitely a business that is not for me. I mean, objectively it is a good job, I get paid more than usual for my profession, I have flexible working hours, I do like my colleagues, and the work I do is not too demanding. And yet, I didn't feel good about it. I wasn't happy doing it. So I applied even more, actively looked for jobs that would suit me better, aware that I had until the end of January to quit on short notice before my probation ended and I had to give 3 months notice before leaving.
And then my mental health dropped it like it's hot. My mood went straight downhill, and with it, I got chronic stomach cramps. The day before my probation ended, I started crying the second I got home and pretty much didn't stop for hours. I had trouble falling asleep that night. My partner, who before advised to not quit until I got a new job, told me to do it anyway. I did not have a new job.
The next morning, I wrote a termination letter, printed it and took it with me to work, just in case. Then I had a long talk about it with a colleague/friend. And then, in a meeting, one of my superiors said something like "The company lives because of its passionate employees" and that settled it. I was not a passionate employee. So I went to speak to my manager about it.
It was rough. It was really rough. Quitting is hard. But I am very lucky because my manager was really understanding about it. He did offer me to try to change aspects that made me unhappy, but since we noticed quickly that the most important ones could not be changed, he said that he thinks it's great how I reflected what happened in those 6 months working here and took my conclusions from it. And that it was great how I listened to my guts. All in all, he respected my decision and made sure that we would make it work best for all, both the company and me. We expanded the notice to 8 weeks. This way, I have more time to find a new job and they have time to find a new employee to work my current job when I am gone. It's a great solution.
Now for the stomach aches, they are gone. After I quit, they slowly disappeared and have not resurfaced yet. Overall, I feel at peace, even though there is a bit of stress due to having to find a new job, but I guess that's normal.
There's a lot of people who think it's stupid what I have done. That I shouldn't have quit a job that gave me financial security. But is it worth my mental health and my happines? I don't think so.
In a lot of discussions there was the realization that this might me a millenial thing: We are painfully aware that financial security is not what it used to be. No one can assure me that this financial security will last anyway. It is more than unlikely for us to work for the same company for the rest of our life. Thus, it is more than unlikely to increase our wage by staying long. And for me as a bookseller, it is impossible to actually be paid enough to not have to think about money anymore. A friend put it like that: "We're generation internship. We are used to getting paid very little, if anything at all. Thus, the decision for us to make is: Do we want to work a shit job for little money or a job that we love for little money?" The answer is pretty clear. We just don't value money higher than happiness anymore, because we get less money anyway.
I feel really good about my decision and I will see what the future brings. If anything, I kept my integrity and stuck to being myself. So I guess that's something.